I don't know much about Greta Van Susteren. Out of all the mouth-breathing pundits on television news channels, my sanity only allows for me to watch a few and she's never really made the cut. I don't know what her beliefs are. I don't much care. She could personally go to northern Uganda or the Democratic Republic of Congo right now and kill Joseph Kony with her bare hands, and I still wouldn't care. Why? Because it appears as if her banal ranting has led to a canceled Louis C.K. performance at the Radio & Television Congressional Correspondents dinner .

Today is the national launch of Taco Bell's newest bit of God-defying food sodomy, the "Doritos Locos Taco." The inside is your standard Taco Bell Taco; the outside, a hard taco-shaped Dorito. I had some today — to assist Gizmodo's Sam Biddle for his review — and now I'm going to give you the lowdown.

Here's a photo of last night's northern lights display — made especially beautiful by the huge solar flare that hit last night — taken by Jónína Óskarsdóttir. Daaaaaaaaamn. Right? Click to enlarge. Really. [Spaceweather.com]

Have you always dreamed of writing one of those "Lives" essays that appear on the back page of the New York Times Magazine? Yes? Jesus. Our readers used to be cool. Anyhow. The point is, the magazine's 1,384,674 editors are now sharing tips about how to write an essay that doesn't make them want to roll their M.F.A. diploma into a big old cocaine-and-rat-poison blunt, due to despair. The perfect "Lives" essay is now within your grasp!

Via Copyranter, the tale of University of Calgary Hayley Wade, whose innovative campaign for Vice President of Student Life used this poster ("Great dick bro!") above urinals in the men's bathrooms on campus. She won. Mitt Romney, take note. [Copyranter]

Currently, Anil Dash is prepping for his SXSW panel chat with Nick Denton about the 'failure' of internet comments by having a civilized discussion with a Mount Rushmore of internet experts and it is calm and informative. Do you think we can have a similar discussion without calling each other cockfaced assholes and be free of bannings or de-starrings? Meet me in the section below and we shall see.

The public relations industry is a heartless machine that cares not about a human's life or death, unless it can be used to sell a product. Your soul is only worth a poorly written press release. This is PR Dummies. The worst of the worst, every week.

Here's CTV reporter Kent Molgat walking into (spoiler alert) a pole while trying to interview a lawyer. Don't know how they do it up in the frozen north but down here pole-dodging is the first thing you learn in journalism school.

This Jersey Shore guido is spending all his cash trying to get in good with this has-been actress that he's always had a crush on. Meanwhile, this actor has a second career as a loan shark. These two might have business together soon.

In the early morning hours of March 9, 1997, Biggie Smalls was shot and killed while sitting in a car at a stoplight in Los Angeles. Despite a profusion of theories, his murder has never been officially solved. That's fucked up.

Here's a video of two penguins — Pete and Penny — chilling in first class on a flight from Atlanta to New York, where they were guests at the premiere of Discovery Channel's documentary Frozen Planet. I'm thinking there are two joke possibilities here: something about "flightless birds" and something about how of course penguins would be in first class; they're always wearing tuxedos. Mostly, though, I think all planes should have penguins. [via Yahoo]

We do too, AARP. We do too.

A flight in Texas was sent back to the gate about an hour ago after a flight attendant snapped and started "ranting over the PA system about the plane crashing," according to the Dallas Observer. The plane is still scheduled to take off. Didn't anyone see Final Destination?

Down in Mississippi, Mitt Romney is learning to speak southern with common southern phrases:

Wealthy, influential, and widely read pundit, author, and pop- sociology-flouter David Brooks today uses his New York Times op-ed column to announce to you, me, and everyone else around the world: he still likes the Mets. Yeah. Thought about liking the Nats, but... had to stick with the old Mets. Mmm hmm. But did he find a way to work in some pop sociology?

Twitter Inc.'s been spinning quite a turnaround story in the press lately. The microblogging service "has finally turned a corner," declares the cover of Bloomberg Businessweek. "It's a juggernaut," a company executive tells the magazine. But the hard numbers we've been provided paint a very different story.

Uh oh, big scandal the in the world of Le Bordeaux ("wine"): influential "wine collector" Rudy Kurniawan has been arrested by real live FBI agents and charged with fraud for attempting to auction off more than 100 bottles of wine (for more than $1.3 million) about whose provenance he lied. Can you imagine? Some unsuspecting wine collectors out there thought they were buying 1929 Domaine Ponsot, but actually it was some other wine in the bottle. Outrageous.

Reuters reported yesterday that McDonald's is fucking shaking up its Dollar Menu by removing small drinks and French fries from its list of offerings and tossing up cookies and ice cream in their place.

Herman Cain may have dropped out of the Republican primary race but that doesn't mean he's gone quietly into the night. In fact, he's released a new anti-stimulus spot that may or may not have resulted in the death of a goldfish. It's a harrowing and nightmarish vision, some are even calling it "political avant-garde." Not to be outdone, Colbert unveiled his own avant-garde, which is a real winner.

Spicy meatball Mario Batali has agreed to pay $5.25 million to settle a class-action lawsuit filed by workers at his restaurants, it was reported Wednesday.