We know where Michele Bachmann stands on heterosexuality: She's very for it! At least according to the binding contract she recently signed with Jesus, in which marriage was explicitly defined as being "between one man and one woman." We also know where her husband, Marcus Bachmann, falls on the topic of homosexuality: He's firmly against it! So against, in fact, that he runs a small gay exorcism business, despite he himself being seemingly possessed by the demonic spirit of an off-duty drag queen named Big Mama. But where does Mrs. Bachmann stand on homosexuality?

Last week, GOP presidential hopefuls Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann signed a document called "The Marriage Vow" without realizing that it contained, among other things, offensive language about slavery. But as Stephen Colbert pointed out on tonight's Report, Bachmann's past makes it clear that she believes almost anything can be considered enslavement. Video of the segment is above.

Man, Pennsylvania songwriter Jason Banks sounds like a horrible boyfriend! Not only is he violent, but he won't even write songs about his girlfriend.

Wisconsin Democrats have easily fended off a Republican ploy in the state Senate recalls, with the official Dem candidates in each of six races easily defeating Republican activists who also filed in the Democratic primaries. But Republicans have not failed to reap some advantages from the situation.

Jon Stewart opened the Daily Show tonight by observing that President Obama once again had to come out yesterday and hold a press conference to shame Congress into agreeing on a solution to the dispute over the U.S. budget. In the process, Stewart realized that Republicans—and House Speaker John Boehner in particular—are trying to get away with having their cake and eating it, too. Video of the segment is above.

Laura Fotusky, clerk of rural Barker, N.Y., quit her post on Tuesday rather than grant marriage licenses to gay folks. She would probably had more fun staying and being really judge-y with the marrying gays, but, well, God hates gay marriage! (She's posted her resignation letter here, if you really care.) Gay couples in the region are better off driving the hour to Niagra Falls anyway and going the whole nine yards with the honeymoon suite and everything. In any event—Laura—really—we mean this—don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. [Politico; image, not of Barker, and not of Fotusky, via Shutterstock]

Here's a trailer for Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows, the sequel to the surprisingly entertaining 2009 Sherlock Holmes: Robert Downey Jr. Farts Around for Two Hours. It looks... the same!

So, this is awkward, but, as it turns out, North Dakota may not actually even be a state at all, thanks to a constitutional conflict only recently discovered by an 82-year-old resident of Grand Forks. How embarrassing!

Ever since Lorena Bobbitt cut off half of her husband's penis and threw it in a field, we've all wondered: Can anyone top that? Finally we have an answer: Yes. How? A garbage disposal.

Well not perfect in terms of quality, it hasn't even been made yet, but the set-up is pretty perfect for some moviegoers. Also today: a character actor will play another character, Larry David is bigger than ever, and some exciting potential Gossip Girl casting.

Hey, New Yorker in your $2 jillion a month apartment, drinking your $97 dollar latte, and reading your newspaper for free on your $6,587 iPad, you think you live in the most expensive city on Earth, don't cha? Wrong! In fact, you probably couldn't even find the most expensive city on a map.

Neptune day! Lyme disease! Solar dearth! Towel robots! Leg transplants! Runaway elephants! Owl vision! Ocean heat! And the utter failure of the US space program continues! It's your Tuesday Science Watch, where we watch science—extra-terrifically!

There's been what appears to be a seismic shift in ye olde debt ceiling developments this afternoon, thanks to the Senate's in-house turtle, Mitch McConnell. We're still waiting to hear the "catch," since Mitch McConnell is a brilliant, mischievous sociopath who ruined much of Obama's first two years in office. But he's released a new proposal this afternoon that looks a lot like, well, caving with a lame attempt to save face.

Your new boyfriend Netflix just became more like your ex, the evil cable company, jacking up rates 60 percent on one popular plan and spinning it as a big boon to consumers. He's just daring you to dump him.

Casey Anthony will soon get out of jail. What is she doing to get ready? An anonymously sourced report in the Chicago Sun-Times says she's working on aliases and disguises:

As his congresswoman wife Michele continues to make progress in her terrifying death march toward Washington, Marcus Bachmann has become a focus of the ever-curious media, and the things we've found out about him have been a bit unsettling, like the fact that he runs one of those pray-the-gay-away facilities.

Today is an exciting day, because we've discovered that there is a silver lining to these excruciating debt ceiling negotiations that can serve as a palliative for our fatalist misery and depression.

In his latest film, Tabloid, documentary filmmaker Errol Morris revisits a bizarre story that dominated the British rags 30 years ago. It was a simpler time. Voicemail hadn't yet been invented, so there was nothing to hack. Our heroine, Joyce McKinney, was a busty former Miss Wyoming with an I.Q. of 168. Living then in L.A., McKinney hired a pilot, a private detective, and several musclebound bodyguards, and set off to England to rescue the runaway fiance she was convinced had been brainwashed by the Mormon Church.

If you thought you were annoyed by Bravo's endless cavalcade of big haired, bigger-titted, biggest mouthed ladies of the various Real Housewives franchises, just wait until you meet the Real Housewives of the Bible.

Sherwood Schwartz, the TV producer that created two of the most oddly enduring sitcoms in TV history, The Brady Bunch and Gilligan's Island has died at 94. He passed away last night in his sleep.