Oh man, the Washington Post has caught hypocrite Michelle Obama red-handed, stuffing her hypocrite face with hypocrite hamburgers and shakes and fries at a diner. Why isn't she eating organic free-range slime and hippie grain dirt or whatever the hell she forces children to eat in school, hmm? Hypocrite. Fraud!
If we as a nation were to answer the question, "What are your two biggest problems?" the response would be "We are fat and broke." Well, you can't have it all, America. But you can be broke and skinnier!
Tom Felton has a record deal and a song about Hawaii. Jessica Simpson makes out with a purse. Mila Kunis compares sex to communism. The Black Eyed Peas take an "indefinite break." Tuesday gossip starts from scratch.
These acting coworkers are cheating on their respective partners by sleeping with each other. This starlet called into work sick because she had a bruised ego. The Hollywood workforce needs its own version of OSHA.
There are plenty of classic tales of hotboxing, but this one might be the greatest of all. A Canadian man, while waiting in his car at a police checkpoint in Nova Scotia last week, decided it was time to "casually" smoke a joint with the windows rolled down. Officers smelled weed and approached the man and, a puzzled Cpl. Andy Hamilton told the CBC afterwards, "I honestly don't know what to think." But, he added, the man passed an hour-long field sobriety test and concluded that "this was the one and only joint that was smoked."
Tacoma residents are still scarred by an incident from six years ago, when a man named Dominick Maldonado strolled into the local mall and started firing indiscriminately, then took four hostages in a standoff with police that lasted several hours. Miraculously, no one was killed, but seven were seriously wounded. Maldonado — who had planned the rampage for weeks and told a police dispatcher minutes before to "follow the screams" — was sentenced to 163 years in Clallam Bay Prison. He's back in the news because of a botched escape attempt earlier this month, during which he held a guard hostage with a pair of scissors while his friend and fellow inmate, Kevin Newland, plowed a forklift through the wall of the prison garment shop where they worked. Newland was shot to death, but Maldonado, somehow, made it out unscathed once again. Basically, not too much to like about this guy — but not according to Quynh Maldonado!
Are you looking to go to New Jersey's Round Valley State Park? (It features "swimming, boating and camping in summer, and cross country skiing and sledding in the winter"!) Just don't use Google Maps to get there, as you may end up at Laurie Gneiding's house.
People talk so much about the "fanatic genocidal fascism" aspect of Nazis that some of their other, less genocidal (but no less crazy!) ideas. Like the Nazi sex doll "designed to stop soldiers being laid low with syphilis"!
Science! What would we do without you? Certainly we would never know the marvelous story of Tornatellides boeningi, the snail that can survive being eaten, digested, and pooped out by a bird.
Prison is horrible, as everyone knows, but it's not all bad: If you play your cards right you can get paid to receive blowjobs! From a 70-year-old chaplain. But still! Blowjobs!
It's not just murder victims and government officials who have been hacked by Rupert Murdoch's minions. A once-pseudonymous sex writer claims a writer for the Murdoch-owned Sunday Times installed a trojan on her computer in an effort to out her.
Israel blocked around 200 pro-Palestinian activists from boarding European flights to the country, aided by Facebook. It's hard to pretend to be a tourist in the era of social networking.
Jersey Shore brawler Ronnie Ortiz-Magro had his day in court in New Jersey today for the fight that he was in during season one of the show. No, not that fight when he was on the boardwalk with Sammy, the other fight where he knocked a guy out outside of Karma. So confusing!
Unlike Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and Oprah, you weren't invited to Julian Assange's 40th birthday bash yesterday in Norfolk, England. Neither were we. But we've snagged an invite anyway. Here's a copy of the email sent to a few dozen of "The Most Dangerous Man in the World's" friends before the party.
We've been paying close attention over the last few years to the descent of Arizona from booming, comfortable retiree chain-store colony to foreclosed stucco race-warring hellscape, a bitterly dystopian prank from God where the only laws that exist are ones that Steven Seagal can enforce from a tank for his dumb reality TV show. It turns out that our efforts were all a waste of time! Instead, we just could've read this single story about State Sen. Lori Klein, who embodies everything we've come to love about the Death State.
The Governator (har har) may finally have a secure deal to star in a movie again. Also today: Good news about Jennifer Lopez, better news about Dr. Drew, and best news about your favorite sitcom.
