Michele Bachmann finally found an attack line to wrest ultraconservative support from Rick Perry last night: That he mandated vaccinations against HPV for "innocent little girls," by executive order, to help his campaign contributors. Good for Michele!...??? But it's the anecdote about the vaccine leaving one girl mentally retarded that really makes this somethin' else.
Megan Fox reassures the world that she is neither robot nor android. Underlings must "turn their faces to a wall" when Madonna walks by. Jane Lynch started smoking at the age of 12. Demi Moore tweets a "topless" picture. Tuesday gossip is practicing human emotions.
This actor has a penchant for porn babes with a little extra. This young actor has a crush on Belinda Carlisle's gay son, and this vampire franchise hunk and his best friend are on the down low. Being straight is so 2000 and late.
When you think "Things that I, as a taxpayer, want my tax money to pay for, in regards to my local water management district," you immediately think "propaganda masquerading as news." Because the important thing for a water district is good PR for the bureaucrats that run it. Water stuff? Later for that!
The print book publishing business was growing by huge margins and raking in ever-growing amounts of money—until now. Ikea has ruined it. Why do Swedish people love lingonberries but hate the printed word?
If you didn't catch the finale of Curb Your Enthusiasm on Sunday night, then you missed what well might have been the best single performance of the season: That of Greg, the obviously gay 7-year-old son of a woman Larry David is dating. ("It's a sewing machine. It's a sewing machine! *SQUEEEEEEE!* IT'S A SEWING MACHINE!!!") It was easily the most inspired comedic display of budding queendom since The Onion's now-classic, How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son.
Meet Shalanon Brooks, the kind of functionally retarded person you encounter frequently in Southern California. Shalanon is the owner of a Pomeranian whom she named "Malibu." (See first sentence.) She didn't just buy Malibu, but was actually prescribed Malibu for "emotional support." (See first sentence again.) Shalanon went to spend a day riding roller coasters at Six Flags Magic Mountain, but when she realized the strap of her Louis Vuitton dog carrying-case had broken, she opted to leave Malibu in her car with the windows cracked open and some water and food. (See— Enh. You know the drill by now.)
Take a look at this photo of Caius Veiovis, a 31-year-old fellow from Massachusetts. Sure he has a 666 tattooed onto the forehead into which he's surgically inserted what would appear to be six gobstoppers — but does that necessarily make him a bad guy? Yes! It does! Very bad! Veiovis and two others are facing murder and kidnapping charges in connection with the deaths of three men, one of whom was scheduled to testify against them. So go right ahead: Judge a book by its cover. Then run! [TSG]
U.K. tabloid Sunday Sport recently introduced the world to Percy Foster, a 35-year-old dwarf porn star whose career was just beginning to catch fire. It was all because an observant production assistant on the set of Hi-Ho Hi-Ho, It's Up Your Arse We Go had noticed how much Foster looked like celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay. But just as Foster was set to join the rarefied ranks of celebrity lookalike dwarf porn stars, tragedy struck: The body of the 3' 6" performer has been discovered in a badger's den, partially eaten.
New York Times columnist Paul Krugman became conservative persona non grata on the 10th anniversary of 9/11 yesterday when he argued that people's exploitation of the tragedy for political gain tore the country apart at the precise moment it should have come together, thereby turning future anniversaries into occasions for shame.
On Monday night, a bunch of preening airheads got on stage and took part in a meaningless contest. There was also a Miss Universe pageant. (Ha! We crack ourselves up!) This year's Miss Universe is Leila Lopes, Miss Angola, who beat out runners-up Olesia Stefanko of Ukraine and Priscila Machado of Brazil—where the pageant was taking place—by escaping from the labyrinth without being eaten by the minotaur. "You have to keep in mind that these women are not objects just to be looked at. They're to be taken seriously," said judge Connie Chung. [AP]
Jade Sanders and Lamont Thomas, a vegan couple from Atlanta, had their murder convictions—and life sentences—upheld in court today. Their crime: Allowing their six-week-old son Crown Shakur to die of malnourishment after feeding him a diet of soy milk and apple juice.
Wolf Blitzer is "watching very closely" in Tampa, Florida tonight as he moderates a CNN/Tea Party debate between the remaining Republican presidential candidates. On the topic of healthcare, Blitzer asked Congressman Ron Paul what he'd do if an otherwise healthy 30-year-old man without health insurance needed six months of intensive care to survive: "Are you saying that society should just let him die?"
Isn't it just cute, at the end of the day? The Tea Party Express got their very own presidential debate in Florida, thanks to the suckers at CNN. They'll be asking only the best questions, like "What will you do about United Nations Agenda 21?" and "Will you salt the ground over NPR's building after defunding and destroying it?" Oh, golly. Pour a shot of whiskey up your nostril and let's watch!
Here's a cute ad the Winklevoss twins made for Roll Global pistachios. The self appointed Facebook nemeses have been spending a lot on lawyers, and their big Facebook settlement was paid in illiquid private stock, so let's hope they got some real TV dough for this spot. YouTube money isn't going to keep anyone in Tucano murses. [AllThingsD]
Consternation!! Alarm!! Here is a shocking video of NYPD officers at the West Indian Day Parade, in which the cops appear to be enjoying themselves and interacting positively with the community, instead of preventing shootings that were happening blocks away, possibly at a different time altogether!
While Serena "Not the One" Williams searches Flushing Meadows for the umpire she went ballistic on yesterday, Novak Djokovic and Rafael Nadal are currently squaring off in the US Open's men's final. But no matter the match's outcome, nothing will top the unintentionally nasty commentary by Mary Carillo, Dick Enberg and John McEnroe. Here's a minute-long highlight reel of the dirty talk, with a quick cut to sexy parents-to-be Jay-Z and Beyoncé built in for good measure.
