If you missed the premiere of Sperm Donor on Tuesday night — Style Network's probing investigation into the complicated lives of spunk market day traders — here's the money shot. In it, a man tells his fiancée that his past sperm donations have fathered a staggering 70 children, of which 15 to 20 have already attempted to contact him. (Thanks, The Kids Are All Right. Thanks a lot.) All told, the future missus takes the news reasonably well, pausing from this Cocktail Hour From Hell just once to have a wayward martini olive ejected from her trachea via Heimlich maneuver. [Style Network]

Looking for just the right sentiment to hand a recently sacked executive assistant this Used-To-Be-My-Secretary's Day? Perhaps Hallmark's new line of unemployment sympathy cards will fit the bill. As Derek McCracken, creative director with the Hallmark Greeting Card Company, told NPR, "A job, like any loss, is a grieving process. We offer more ['you'll get through this' cards], versus dwelling on the loss of the job itself."

Anderson Cooper probably woke up this morning thinking he'd only be on two television shows by the end of the day. But then the opportunity came along to appear on a third program—and promote his new daytime talk show in the process—and he couldn't resist.

Here's a promotional video for Delphian School, an expensive ($42,000 a year!) prep school located in rural Oregon. One thing they fail to mention: "A good majority" of its staff consists of Scientologists, and "the structure of the school, its ethical code and its language all reflect the influence and precepts of Scientology."

There were those who laughed off a recent eBay listing claiming to offer a Civil War-era photograph of Nicolas Cage (he went by Jack Mord back then, but that was probably just an anagram) for the cool asking price of $1 million. "Personally," the seller wrote, "I believe it's him and that he is some sort of walking undead/vampire, etcetera, who quickens/reinvents himself once every 75 years or so."

After Bill O'Reilly said last week that he'd consider quitting his job if President Obama raised his tax rate to 50%, Jon Stewart mocked him on The Daily Show with a fake PSA soliciting donations for "a helpless multi-millionaire." On tonight's program, Stewart called O'Reilly's bluff to his face during a short, lively debate over taxes, government, muffins—yes, muffins—and more. Here's a video of the segment.

Tonight's X Factor saw a fracturing of the judging panel, with Simon Cowell and LA Reid teaming up to butt heads with Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherzinger. The ladies' rejection of the more attractive female contestants led Cowell to accuse them of judging bias and, in an attempt to strike back, tell one unremarkable hopeful that she reminded him of Scherzinger. As you'll see in this video, he probably now wishes he hadn't done so.

The Sacred Heart School in Chiang Mai, Thailand recently had a "sports day," in which students divided up into teams named after different colors. Just like schools in the U.S.! Except that one of the teams at Sacred Heart also dressed up like Nazis.

Infallible songstress Taylor Swift will officially make her perfect little mark on the perfume industry next month when her debut fragrance, Wonderstruck, hits stores. Are you just dying to spray her perfect scent onto your imperfect skin while listening to one of her perfect songs with your imperfect earbuds, thus transforming your imperfect life into a perfect one, just like hers? Me too! I imagine it being just like this commercial, actually. [via People]

NASA has located the exact resting place of the Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite, which (intentionally) crashed to earth over the weekend. It landed... in your mom's bedroom!!! No, kidding, it landed "in the South Pacific, somewhere southwest of Christmas Island."

Hello, unidentified Malaysian dude who lives in Bintulu, Sarawak! We read with interest the news that you had contacted police, hoping they'd arrest the "invisible man" who was—according to a medium—"us[ing] black magic to take away [your] wife's 'soul' and rape her."

The wheels seem to be coming off Jerry Guo's wagon. Yesterday the internet entrepreneur admitted to misleading people during his time at Newsweek and just after. Today comes word he was fired from an AOL site over dishonesty. And it's not clear how much technology is actually behind his tech startup.

For sale for $4500 on eBay: A six-foot terra cotta flower planter shaped like Rick Perry's head. A Texas fertilizer company created Governor Goodhair's chia pet alter-ego during the 2010 gubernatorial election. Cow Wow Liquid Compost also created a chia bust of Perry's opponent Bill White. They then held an "election" to see which "head of state" had better "hair."

We always suspected, and now the New York Times has confirmed, that global social media juggernaut Facebook is importing vast quantities of Silicon Valley dorkitude into New York. And there are pictures to prove it.

Hollywood is the most glamorous place on earth. Except when it comes to unpaid internships: They are just as shitty there as everywhere else.

Leighton Meester, she of perpetually glowing skin and terrible television fame, has purchased a lovely rustic home in Encino, California, smack in the center of the San Fernando Valley. My my, how the Waldorf has changed her exclusively Upper East Sider tune. Or not because Gossip Girl is a television show and Blair Waldorf is a fictional character and the things that she would or wouldn't do are irrelevant to Leighton Meester. So let's just leave all the caviar and headband jokes at the ranch-style door.

America's number one shirtless comedian is headed to the small screen. Also today: Good news for a Lost actress, good news for a lost actor, bad news for CAA, and challenging news for Mel Gibson.

After initially announcing that he'd attack her again if he had the chance, angry drunk Stephen Hanks has apologized for telling Bristol Palin that her mother is a "whore" and "white trash." His lawyer released a statement to E! News:

We all hear stories about kids who are given ridiculous names—usually kids that are born to celebrities—but when you're looking to name your child, don't turn to a "baby name blog." They're full of horrible ideas too, like this one.

Rezwan Ferdaus, a 26-year-old Massachusetts resident was arrested in an FBI sting on Wednesday after allegedly plotting to use a large remote controlled aircraft packed with C-4 plastic explosives to attack the Pentagon and the U.S. Capitol.