After having her bail revoked yesterday for shirking on probation requirements, wounded magpie Lindsay Lohan shirked again: She arrived two hours late for her first court-mandated community service session at the L.A. County Morgue, forcing the morgue to turn her away.

Here is an extremely graphic video that appears to show the capture of Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi, wounded but alive.

Yesterday Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine sent out a Tweet saying "Dear Fox News, don't play our music on your evil fucking channel ever again. Thank you." Strong words! And now, finally, Fox News has maturely responded.

Billionaire Mayor Michael Bloomberg is sticking up for billionaire mogul Rupert Murdoch as shareholder activists try to depose the aging News Corp. chairman.

Lindsay Lohan's probation was revoked yesterday, but hey, did you see how pretty her teeth looked? She totally got them fixed since last time we saw them, when they were jacked.

Think of "fruits" and "vegetables" like parsley. Parsley is a vegetable. And here in America, we use fruit and vegetables the same way that we use parsley: as window dressing, as a little green thing that makes the real food (Cheez) look better.

A judge ruled today that prosecutors must release the name of the man who Tyler Clementi was having sex with when his roommate at Rutgers University, Dharun Ravi, broadcast their sexual activity over the internet.

In another disturbing confirmation that, yes, the rest of the world is watching, Afghan President Hamid Karzai appears to have caught that clip of Herman Cain dismissing "insignificant" countries like "Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan" as things that aren't worth learning about. He even got Hillary Clinton to bring it up during their latest meeting, to share a laugh. "That wasn't right, but anyway, that's how politics are," Karzai empathized.

Want to know how to get the world to care about the firing of the host of an Opera show? Fire her because of her participation in a popular social movement! Lisa Simeone, the host of NPR's World of Opera was fired for helping out Occupy Wall Street.

Someone saw ScarJo and Joseph Gordon-Levitt kissing. Shia LaBeouf got in a bar fight and threatened to pull a knife. Katherine Heigl's three-year-old can walk in stilettos. Cameron Diaz and Naomi Campbell go dancing. Thursday gossip swaps spit.

A new report from the New York Civil Liberties Union says that police in New York are "consistently misusing and overusing Tasers." The study of hundreds of taserings found that the majority of them "did not meet expert-recommended criteria;" that 15% were "clearly inappropriate" cases, such as shocking someone who was already handcuffed; and that only 15% of Tasering victims were armed when the police zapped them.

This actress cruises the free website looking for decorating bargains. This celeb cheated on her famous husband with her famous ex. And this star used to claim she was molested by the man who is now her husband. You can't even find something that creepy on Craigslist.

Libyan officials have confirmed that Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi is dead, shot in the head during fighting in his hometown of Sirte. The first images of his body have emerged. Graphic images ahead.

Texas is on its guard. Texas is ready for any eventuality. If a group of five young men—Middle Easterners, at that—were to get drunk, break into San Antonio's courthouse, and run around laughing, well, Texas is prepared to respond to that situation at a moment's notice.

Sexually obsessed tabloid persona Andrea Peyser customarily writes her column by feeding her cat large quantities of GHB-laced Fancy Feast, and then allowing it to wander over her keyboard. Still, today's is even more laughable than usual. Who would have thought that a racist white lady would lionize a black Republican? Oh, everybody!

Who was Chan Holcombe, and how was he circumcised? Holcombe's pithy obituary doesn't provide a full answer to the first question, for how could it? Holcombe, who died in Fort Smith, Arkansas last week at age 72, surely lived a full and rich life. He'd served with the Air Force and eventually started his own business. He "caught a lot of crappie" during fishing trips on which he surely contemplated the universe and his place in it—each time coming to a slightly different conclusion, as proof of his evolution as a man. And he raised a family, which surely inspired countless reflections and emotional responses both fleeting and fundamentally life-changing. All that life experience can't be conveyed in just a few hundred words.

Libyan dictator-turned-fashion-forward fugitive Muammar Gaddafi died today after being wounded during today's fighting in his hometown of Sirte, say Libyan officials and Reuters. Gaddafi reportedly suffered wounds to both legs and was captured after being discovered in a hole. He reportedly begged a fighter not to shoot him.

Over the summer we told you how fading fuckwad Glenn Beck was fleeing the liberal north to go inhabit his own $20,000-a-month rental Alamo in Dallas. Well, he must feel at home in his new hometown, because now he wants to turn an old megachurch in the Dallas suburbs into the headquarters for GBTV.com—his subscriber-based Internet cry- and clown-porn channel.

The rogue, herpes-infected monkey who escaped from that exotic animal jail in Zanesville, Ohio—and subsequently ran from the sheriffs who shot up all its friends—was supposedly been eaten by one of the escaped big cats. "It looks like everything is taken care of," a conservationist told CNN. "There was one monkey left, and right now, we found a carcass of the monkey. We don't know if it was eaten." RIP, Last Monkey Standing.

Have you noticed a slight crispness in the atmosphere recently? A chilling edge to the breeze, a dry clarity to the air, a new rattle in the trees? It's fall, right? No! It's actually the looming apocalypse, which comes tomorrow, according to professional rapture-predictor Harold Camping.