The holidays are almost upon us, which means it's time for you to take a careful look at your neighbor and report any and all suspicious activity to your immediate supervisor. At least it is at the New York Times, which just sent a memo to all staffers urging them snitch on any co-worker who may have engaged in any "potential ethical or legal violations." IF YOU SEE SOMETHING SAY SOMETHING. David Pogue, your ears are burning! Memo after the jump.

You know when you spend a whole Saturday afternoon watching a marathon of America's Next Top Model a highbrow HBO show and you feel like your ass got fatter from sitting on the couch for so long? Guess what. It actually did.

And now, the final piece of evidence that first Muslim Miss USA* Rima Fakih is as American as the rest of them: Last night, the former Miss Michigan was arrested for driving drunk in Detroit enclave Highland Park. Just a good old-fashioned drunk-driving stripper. [NYDN, image via Getty]

What the ongoing debate about bullying has been missing, really, is the voice of Less Than Zero author Bret Easton Ellis. He's reticent to share his opinions publicly, and hates being written about—but the issue cries out for a man of compassion, a man of care, a man of thoughtfulness and grace. A man like Ellis.

For students at the College of William & Mary in Virginia, trying to secure a prime study spot in the library during the "reading days" before Finals Week has become as harrowing and dangerous as trying to purchase $2 waffle iron on Black Friday. Trampling! Pepper spray! These are now part of their library experience.

Everyone knows that teenagers these days are lust-crazed flesh demons hell-bent on utilizing technology you don't understand to "sext" each other videos of themselves dancing naked to the dubstep and the rap. So what gives with this new study claiming that only one percent of 10 to 17-year-olds have sexted?

This movie star is not a Hollywood liberal, instead he's always watching Glenn Beck and ranting about "liberal socialists." This actress has weird eating habits and this NFL star was a jerk to his fans. Sounds like something Glenn Beck would do.

Two British judges have decided that Wikileaking lothario Julian Assange can petition the British Supreme Court to consider his appeal against extradition to Sweden, where authorities want to ask him about two alleged sexual assault incidents. This means he won't have to cancel his holiday plans, which included adapting the contents of diplomatic cables into Christmas carols (probably).

A Northwestern University student-tipster who's enrolled in the same American history class as Chet Haze—the rapping, acting, West Side (of Evanston)-dominating consequence of Tom Hanks' potent ejaculate—passed along this email that Haze sent across a listserv at 4 AM this morning:

We watched Kim Kardashian's 72-day marriage go to hell in a handbasket during the premiere episode of Kourtney & Kim Take New York. On Sunday night, it was Kim's relationship with one sister that took a beating, instead, when she went kompletely krazy on Khloe for accidentally waking her up an hour earlier than she wanted.

Every day, celebrities across the world are followed and photographed by the omnipresent paparazzi, often to entertaining results. Here are some of our favorite shots from the past week.

An angry snake charmer from India named Hakkal had his "99 percent" moment when bureaucrats at the Government Land Registry Office refused to process his land-request application. So Hakkal took matters into his own hands: He dumped three sacks full of 40 venomous snakes, including cobras, into the office. The scene was captured in the video above, and shows government workers shooing away the hissing snakes with fabric as the deadly reptiles slid onto chairs and desks. And miraculously — unlike the OWS protests — no one was bitten! [newsfeed.time.com via Telegraph]

Irina Kristy, an easy-grading college math professor with an impenetrable accent who has taught at Boston University and Suffolk University since 1987, has been arrested for allegedly running a crystal meth lab with Grigory Genkin, her 29-year-old son, out of their home in Somerville, Massachusetts. (This is the part in the post where you point a finger at your screen and shout, "Breaking Bad! Breaking Bad!" even though it bears only a passing resemblance to the AMC series. So please stop.)

The slow, tortuous death of the U.S. Postal Service continues with news that mail will arrive slower than ever come this spring. (Seriously? There's a way to do that?) Even the old-fashioned luxury of seeing a stamped letter arrive within 24 hours of sending it will become a thing of the past.

Perhaps that ad for Vladimir Putin's United Russia that turned a voting booth into a capsule sex hotel worked a little too well, as a record-setting 146% of the Russian electorate turned out for Sunday's parliamentary elections. (The figures pictured above are actually those of Rostovskaya Oblast, a region about 440 miles south of Moscow.)

Maricopa County, Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio has earned his status as "America's Worst Sheriff" mostly for being proactive in his awfulness and insanity. But he also deserves his title for the many things he does not do—such as "his job."

Last night Robert Pattinson went to the Los Angeles bar La Poubelle (French for "dirty cheater") and hung out with actress Sarah Roemer, who once worked with his accidental wife Kristen Stewart on a movie. Suspiciously, Stewart was not with them. Did they canoodle?

LA-based pepper-spray fashion designer Abbie Heppe used felt, puffy paint, and her knowledge of memes to create this topically festive "UC Davis Police Officer John Pike Casually Feeds Baby Jesus" holiday sweater. Now we want one! We love police brutality wear.

Troy, Michigan mayor Janice Daniels will never again be able to visit New York City without bumping into hordes of same-sex married couples showing off their wedding bands and ruining the city she once loved. It's enough to make her throw out her "I Love NY" carrying bag in disgust!

About 45,000 people evacuated Koblenz, Germany this weekend so that experienced detonators could safely defuse two World War II-era bombs that have been hanging out in the Rhine all these years, threatening their lives. Sounds dramatic, doesn't it? Yet as far as drama and action goes, the operation was completely underwhelming.