Rachelle Grimmer, a 38 year old mother of two in Texas, had been trying to qualify for food stamps "for months" without success. On Monday, she went to a Laredo welfare office with her kids and a gun. After a seven-hour standoff, she killed herself and shot both of her children, who are now in critical condition.
Yesterday, we noted that financial professionals make horrible boyfriends. But they're not always horrible in the sense that they might follow you across the Atlantic ocean and leave a tracking device in your bag—sometimes they're horrible in the sense that they send you 1,600-word emails asking why you haven't called them back after one date.
Yesterday we told you that India was considering allowing evil box of doom Wal-Mart to open retail outlets in its cities, thereby destroying them. But having read our foreboding listicle of warning, the government has reconsidered. Even Wal-Mart's opponents are outraged at how ineptly the issue has been handled, politically!
While the Pentagon sets about distributing old grenade launchers, armored tanks, and other gear to help towns across America fight Osama bin Laden, a homeland security program in Michigan is approaching the war on terror in a less militarizing, more taste bud-satisfying (and low-fat) way: By arming counties with snow cone machines.
Given Whole Foods' status as "one of America's best places to work (for herpes-union haters)," you might be surprised to hear that a couple years ago the company fired a whistle blower. And not just any old whistle blower, either, but a "poop leak whistle blower": a sewage sniffer-outer, a foe of feces fraud.
Even though Jon Stewart thinks the Donald Trump-moderated Republican debate will be the best one ever, many others are less excited about it. On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert added himself to the list of naysayers. Colbert then announced his own debate—"Stephen Colbert's South Carolina Serious, Classy Republican Debate"—which he plans to moderate sometime in January. Of course, Colbert's announcement could just be a joke. Then again, he's proven before that he'll do pretty much anything in the name of comedy.
TrendAlertWatch! Criminals are stupider than ever. Hot on the heels of the Anthony Miranda affair — the guy who tried to hold up a UFC fighter and wound up with a face like a turnip and a hole in his leg — comes the tale of marauding brainiac Timothy Randall Clark, who chose to shoplift at a Maryland Wal-Mart during their annual "Shop with a Cop" Day. ("Shop with a Cop" Day is a community program that brings law enforcement and needy children together for a fun afternoon of shopping and gun-cleaning demonstrations. Or something like that. I don't know! This is America.)
Mitt Romney plans on seducing a roomful of Jewish conservatives Wednesday at the Republican Jewish Coalition's
On Friday, the conservative website Newsmax announced it would hold a Republican presidential debate on December 27, moderated by none other than Donald Trump. Only Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich have so far accepted the invitation, with Jon Huntsman and Mitt Romney refusing it—even Karl Rove doesn't like the idea! But you know who is excited about the prospect of a Trump Debate? Jon Stewart, as he explained on tonight's Daily Show.
[Updated.] Yesterday, we brought you an email sent out at 4 a.m. by a frantic Chet Haze — multi-hyphenate hip-hop impresario/Northwestern junior theater major/Rita Wilson's son — to his entire philosophy class, after realizing he was missing a month's worth of class notes for a term paper due THAT DAY. You've undoubtedly been able to to think of nothing else since.
For your daily dose of internet uplift, we bring you the amazing story of Regan — a friendly Yellow Lab who happened to notice a bag lying on the side of an Iowa highway, and proceeded to drag it all the way home. Regan plopped his gruesome delivery — a Meow Mix bag covered in blood and guts with something moving around inside — on his master's doorstep, and whined until they reluctantly opened it.
This past summer, longtime alt (to the Village Voice)-weekly The New York Press died, a victim of neglect and mismanagement, fated to disappear into its ill-fitting parent company. Sad! But! Now! Joe Pompeo reports that the Press is being relaunched, online-only, by "Tom Allon, the owner of [parent company] Manhattan Media and a 2013 mayoral candidate." What's the plan, Tom?
Entertainment Weekly hired a fancy research company to figure out what shows liberals and conservatives like best. They should have just hired us to make up the answers, because they're really stereotypical. Liberals like The Daily Show, 30 Rock, Glee, and David Letterman. Conservatives like, well, a whole bunch of crap.
Keep in mind is that Donald Trump has already won. He got the opportunity to moderate a presidential debate right before primary season, and two candidates have already accepted. To get even one candidate to accept an invitation to something so blindingly stupid and farcical would've been a once-in-a-generation political feat. Nevertheless, it's possible that the final head count may stop at two debaters, leaving the debate well short of maximum comedic capacity.
Are you a total news junkie? Do you know Gawker's voice inside and out? Would you willingly—and more importantly, would you happily—spend hours glued to a computer screen scouring the internet for the newsworthy and noteworthy?
Finally, an answer to the question "How do I not die?" No, the answer is not "don't be a fat slob." Be a fat slob! Hey, you only live once—and not for long, in some cases! Just run. Run, run, run. Never stop running, from that monster, The Reaper, He Who Is Called Death.
