Jason Cohen is a young English professor at Kentucky's Berea College. Oh Jason Cohen, what did you put on the Twitter this week???

Today I got a press release for something called the Baconery, which is a bakery that makes things out of bacon. That reminded me of bacon chocolates, bacon lip balm, bacon cologne, bacon vodka, and even bacon fucking lube. It's time to knock it off, people.

Here is a fact about New York City: it is filled with jerks. Here's another fact about New York City: it is filled with rats. Here's a third fact, recently discovered by scientists: rats are actually super nice, possibly (probably) even nicer than New Yorkers.

There's a famous tech saying that all good social networks begin with the question, "How will this software get my users laid?" Twitter wants you to believe it's new redesign has nailed this particular feature.

The Smoking Gun has gotten its paws on Newt Gingrich's Washington Speakers Bureau contract, replete with all of his pampered demands. For each speaking gig, he wants a nice hotel, first class plane ticket, check for $50,750 — the usual. But there's one item that stands out as appropriately idiosyncratic: His demand for two bathrooms, in a one-bedroom suite. This is his most profound idea yet.

Now that Dominique Strauss-Kahn is back in France and safe from criminal prosecution for rape, his Sofitel maid encounter has entered its "Grassy Knoll" phase in the public imagination: Complicated conspiracy theories abound, even as most accept a much simpler explanation of events. (DSK either forced himself on Nafissatou Diallo or willfully misunderstood a frozen stare of horror as an "unabashed" come-on, is the general consensus, right?)

The economy is crappier than a Porta-Potty at an outdoor electronic dance music festival. We've all got to pinch pennies, and the holidays are no exception. So, we present our top five gifts under five cents.

Did you read Ben Brantley's rapturous (and rather eloquent) review of Hugh Jackman: Back on Broadway in the times today? He totally calls Hugh Jackman gay. Like he pretty much flat out says it. The paper just did the same thing to closet-case Anderson Cooper. Is this a new trend?

A new report from The Trust for Public Land shows that although city parks in America only increased by 3% in the past five years, dog parks in American cities increased by 34% during that same period.

Yep, just another boring old New York City parking job. Every single New Yorker parks like this everyday, blindfolded. No big deal.

Former Total Request Live with Carson Daly mainstay Korn, a band that you — yes, you — used to love, has discovered the truth that few of the band members' Hollywood friends care to admit: Obama and his "illuminati" minions have turned this country into a "house of shame." Hmm. They must be Romney men, through and through.

For months now the hottest ticket in New York is to experimental theater "experience" Sleep No More. (Well, the hottest ticket has been Book of Mormon but this is a close second.) Maybe part of the reason is people know the show is full of nudity, an orgy, and other sexy goings on. Well, I figured out how you can get the most (ahem) bang for your buck and see all the nudity.

Bros. They're here. They're bros. Get used to it. They're not, however, poetic. "Bro." It sounds like an Eastern European cough. Can you think of a better word for these creatures?

A police officer has reportedly been shot on the Virginia Tech campus, where police just apprehended an apparent suspect—though another suspect, a "white male, gray sweat pants, gray hat w/neon green brim, maroon hoodie and backpack," may still be at large. There's also a "potential second victim" in the Cage parking lot; Roanoke Times reporter Lerone Graham is Tweeting live from the campus, as is student paper Collegiate Times.

Chanel designer and alien robot of fabulousness Karl Lagerfeld is launching two new retail fashion lines, called "Karl" and "Karl Lagerfeld." To promote them, he is co-opting the letter 'K.' Women's Wear Daily reports,

Corrupt falafelateer Bill O'Reilly loves nothing more than a good old-fashioned ambush interview. Except when he's the ambushee, in which case he will attack you with his umbrella and try to have you arrested. That's what he did last night when an activist armed with a video camera caught him apparently leaving a Newt Gingrich fundraiser.

Yes, an anonymous bidder paid $203,150 at auction for a purse. Well, not just any purse, a Birkin, the hard-to-get handbag fetish of celebrities and needy rich ladies the world over. And not just any Birkin, a Hermès Exceptional Collection Shiny Rouge H Porosus Crocodile 30 cm Birkin Bag with Solid 18K White Gold & Diamond Hardware. Oh, obviously that is worth as much as a house or a college education. Surely!

In the next decade, President Obama wants to raise America's college graduation rate to 60%. Currently, just over 40% of Americans aged 25-34 have college degrees. That means a lot of new college students will have to be added to the system, and soon. In fact, there is no hope of this being achieved.

After writing about the crazy J.P. Morgan analyst who stalked his ex across the Atlantic pretending to be an Israei spy, and reproducing the insane 1,600-word letter from an investment analyst demanding that a woman he went on a single date with apologize for leading him on, we figured we'd open it up to our readers for more stories from the front lines of romance in the financial industry. And boy, did you all deliver.

The Associated Press' Matt Apuzzo and Adam Goldman—who have been having a very good year—have tracked down the CIA secret prison where Khalid Sheikh Muhammad and other ghost detainees were tortured and interrogated. It's on a residential street in Bucharest (here it is on Google Maps). Its code name was Bright Light. Sounds cozy.