The commie food police in San Francisco have officially crossed the line: A proposed city ordinance would ban toys from McDonald's Happy Meals until the chain adds fruit and vegetables to their kids' menu, and lowers calorie counts. Hippie extortionists.

The rich: what the hell are they doing with their time, anyhow? Published reports indicate that the wealthy and successful among us are primarily engaged in two activities: teaching your college class, and eating cheap hamburgers.

As if working for McDonald's didn't suck enough aready: The company may drop health insurance for 30,000 hourly employees.

You can't have a hamburger without a side of fries. Heck, French fries are sometimes a meal unto themselves, but either way there's no getting around the fact that they're unhealthy. Here's a ranking of the worst offenders in America.

KFC will pay college girls $500 to walk around campus wearing sweatpants that bear the "Double Down" logo on the ass. Girls who dine too frequently at KFC are presumably not the desired models. [via Adfreak]

A crazy new commercial from the nonprofit vegan group Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine features a dead man in a morgue holding a hamburger, and implies that McDonald's was to blame.

Seven months ago, then-Gen. Stanley McChrystal closed the fast food outlets at large U.S. military bases in Afghanistan due to 'space issues' and because they were contributing to an 'amusement park' atmosphere. They're coming back!

Americans: what the hell are we eating? Sometimes we wonder that, as we idly stuff any nearby foodstuffs into our maws while in a glassy-eyed, dreamlike state. The problem: we hate immigrants, but love food. What to do?

Burger King's been sold to investment firm 3G Capital for $4 billion. Neat!

Is that footlong cheeseburger not getting the job done for you? Try the Carl's Jr. Philly Cheesesteak Burger. A cheesesteak on a bun? No, a cheesesteak on top of a burger. Hey, it didn't make these Legos fat. [Adfreak]

A few questions arise when watching this 90s training video from Wendy's to its female cashiers. Why are all of the employees girls? What's so important about the drinks? Perhaps most importantly—what about the frostees?

Fast food is already 98% of the average American's diet. So when the average American cannot afford fast food, we have a problem. Pizza Hut must slash its prices—otherwise, Americans could literally lose weight.

For its new Times Square Whopper Bar, BK is piling four of its patented rat corpses patties on top of each other, slathering them with marinara and "pesto-flavored mayo," thus creating a "Pizza Burger", which sells for $12.99. Hungry yet?

Still hungry after last month's 2,300-calorie Mac & Cheese Quesadilla and footlong cheeseburgers? Try the latest American chain restaurant abomination: Denny's Fried Cheese Melt, in which deep-fried breaded cheese is embedded in more cheese, more bread, and fried again.

Is your child hungry? Like, really hungry? The most caloric kids meal in America is reportedly Friendly's Mac & Cheese Quesadilla. With the drink and dessert that come with it, the meal has 2,300 calories.

Hey, you know what America needs? More novelty fast food sandwiches! Unwilling to be outdone by Sonic, which unveiled their new Footlong Quarter Pound Coney earlier this month, Carl's Jr. is testing Footlong Cheeseburgers at their Santa Ana, California locations.

America's Cafeteria, McDonald's, is making obscene amounts of money selling its McCafé coffee simulacrum, and has plans to make even more obscene amounts on its new beverages. But first McDonald's must demystify this odd product, the "smoothie."

McDonald's saw you, the consumer, purchasing coffee at Starbucks. Therefore , McDonald's introduced its own coffee-like beverages to lure you, the consumer, back into McDonalds. It's all part of a grand plan: McDonald's will soon be the only beverage purveyor left.

Starbucks, of late, has been relentlessly hobo-fying itself in order to attract the rubes and bumpkins who flock to America's finest coffee house, McDonald's. Hey rubes: now you can look at Miley Cyrus upskirt pix free, while drinking caffeine sugar!

Jimmy Dean, the musician and founder of the Jimmy Dean line of breakfast products, died on Sunday at age 81. To commemorate the entrepreneur's passing, let's look back on his company's wondrous inventions. Like "Pancakes & Sausage on a Stick."