Shit is fucked up.

Eric the manager is fed up! According to one Reddit user, a group of Instagram-loving, Vine-sharing, Twitter-tweeeting teens have been accusing their Chick-fil-A co-workers of being "3hunnid" and "on fleek." Management, it would seem, is against not only teens empowering other teens but true love (to paraphrase scholar Max Muller: "A flower cannot blossom without sunshine, and man cannot live without bae"). If this is just a Redditor's hoax, he's captured the poetry of an aggrieved fast food manager perfectly. To this, and all other memos condemning the use of internet speak in the workplace, we say: Bruh!?

Gristle repurposing factory McDonald's saw its profit fall by 30% this quarter, with sales here in the USA continuing their weak streak. The problem? McDonald's thinks it's some kind of fancy restaurant now.

A Chipotle restaurant in State College, PA, near Penn State University, has closed unexpectedly, because the workers were like, "fuck this job."

Yesterday was Labor Day, a holiday that most Americans celebrate by going to work at their low-paid jobs. But—as unlikely as it seems—the president actually said something meaningful in his mandatory Labor Day speech yesterday.

For food-like dining chain McDonald's, young people—who have not yet had time to develop a discriminating palate—have always been their "bread and butter." No longer. What's wrong, millennials? Have you lost your bad taste?

When you think of McDonald's, the corporate powers that be behind the golden arches would really prefer if your mind didn't immediately flash to expired garbage meat or wages barely preferable to indentured servitude or even their terrifying new toothed box of a mascot. No, McDonald's would rather be synonymous with class, sophistication and refinement, which is why they've taken to rounding up reporters and bloggers and serving them, basically, a bunch of food that is not McDonald's.

Burger King is quietly phasing out its lower-calorie "Satisfries" after less than a year, because—let's face it—this is America.

Red Robin is home to the unhealthiest meal in America, according to USA Today. In a report released by the Center for Science in the Public Interest, the "Monster" double burger, "bottomless" fries and a "Monster" milkshake clocks in at 3,450 calories. Also on the list were offerings from The Cheesecake Factory, including a "Brulee French Toast," which sounds delicious, but also terrifying.

For two years now, labor groups have been working on a loud public campaign to improve wages and working conditions for fast food workers. Their campaign has been viewed as quixotic. But yesterday, the government gave them an enormous boost.

After a TV report alleging that a Chinese food supplier used meat that had fallen onto the factory floor and mixed expired goods in with the new stuff, McDonald's and fast-food conglomerate Yum Brands have vowed to cease ties with the company. Now, they promise, all the steaming trash they serve you will be totally fresh.

What if I told you that mozzarella sticks never had to end? That for $10, you could eat for free (for $10) for the rest of your natural life? That there exists a spot in the space-time continuum in which it is always Friday? That there are free refills on all Slushes™ excluding Red Bull® branded items?

Americans spend close to $2 billion a day dining out, and most of that money ain't being spent at The Four Seasons, if you know what we mean. (It is being spent on cheap garbage food.) Heartbreakingly, Americans now say they loathe the fast food chains to which they've pledged their lives.

Boyz II Men: one of the most beloved R&B groups of our youth, whose songs provided the soundtrack to the vast majority of the slow dances, graduations, and funerals of the 1990s. What are those guys up to now?

NBC News 4 reports that a Los Angeles teacher allegedly drunkenly pulled a knife on students in their car Saturday night and demanded they take him to the fast food chain Jack in the Box. The teacher, 34-year-old Edward Maust, was charged with kidnapping, false imprisonment, and criminal threats after surrendering to the police Sunday afternoon.

Last night, the McDonald's corporation threw a celebrity-studded bash to celebrate the much anticipated World Cup-themed McDonald's fry boxes. Who—besides us—would voluntarily go to such an event? It's a mystery that may never be solved.

In Pizza Hut's quest to reinvent itself as a restaurant serving food fit for human consumption, no tactic is too radical. Pizzas made by actual humans? You bet. And now the dynamic company is making the boldest innovation of all.

An employee of burger chain Red Robin worked for several months with a contagious case of Hepatitis A, exposing as many as 5,000 people who passed through a Springfield, Missouri location to the infection.

Right this minute, McDonald's workers and their supporters are getting arrested outside of McDonald's annual shareholder meeting. McDonald's has "cleared and closed its corporate headquarters" for the day in response to protests. Today is a great day to try a new restaurant, America.

Burger King, purveyor of burgers for breakfast and other starchy goodness, is abandoning its "Have It Your Way" slogan after 40 years and ungodly amounts of Whoppers.