Oh gosh, something to be concerned about: people now are just going to cheap gyms and working out and leaving, rather than indulging in the "community" of group classes and flirting and juice bars. Will gyms ever be annoying again?

Pedestrian deaths increased in 2010, and it was Michelle Obama's fault. This is what we're learning today! Specifically: Maybe if Michelle Obama's anti-obesity campaign wasn't urging people to exercise regularly, cars would hit them less often?

If you like to do yoga to stay fit, or sane, or whatever, then you might want to take a lesson from this video: don't bring your cat with you, because—if you do—it just may scratch your crotch.

It's January, and that means it's time for everyone to join a gym and then quickly stop going to the gym out of laziness, in a trend-story-friendly manner. What a goddamn waste of money. Below, ten methods for becoming hardcore.

A new study published in the American Journal of Health Promotion found that people who drink heavily tend to exercise more than people who drink moderately. Our own studies have proven this completely false. Unless using SeamlessWeb counts as exercise.

Not to be outdone by Jim Carrey, Seth Rogen obliged Kathie Lee and Hoda (who spent their entire hour of Today exercising) and gave his interview on a bike. This is taking New Year's resolutions to the extreme.

Obesity surgery! Overweight death! Diabetic exercise! Medvedev pull ups! McDonald's health care! DC water! Prostate drugs! Fish oil eyes! Miscarriage hearts! And deaf smoke! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—in stereo-o-oh!

Baby radiation! Benadryl doom! AIDS pill! Boomer sex! Large 'n lovely! Birth defects! Attitude gratitude! Youth strength! Salt intake! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with unrestrained glee, and that's not a teevee show!

No Darvon! Airport smoking! Lou Gehrig's disease! Gym grunting! Flu shots! Racewalking! Nigerian curses! And mental illness is a call to arms! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while hallucinating and self-medicating in a nonstop cycle!

With a camera attached to her head, runner Gwen Schroeder decided to showcase what it's like to run a marathon. Staten Island. Brooklyn. Queens. the Bronx. Manhattan. It's a great tour of the city, some stretches lined with Gatorade cups.

Here's a video starring Greer Childers, who is some sort of exercise video lady. Childers wants to teach you her foolproof, age-reducing facial exercise workout—problem is, the technique seems less about exercise and more like a recorded exorcism.

Watch a walrus do crunches, leg flexes, arm stretches, and really get a superb all-round body workout. After watching this you have no excuse but to.. find a walrus of your own to train.

Activities like overzealous dancing and stumbling from bar to bar is the most exercise Americans will ever get. The Onion reports drinking to excess may help you lose that five pounds you promised yourself you'd lose last summer.

Distracted driving! Farmer's foods! Punjabi sports! Lifeguard texting! Halal beef beef! Free water! Greek yogurt! Cold virus obesity! And the indomitable spirit of the human soul! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with intervals of approval!

NYC's stressed! And obese! And un-restauranty! Vending machines kill! Personal trainers chill! Depression is ill! The dentist is for girls! Medical student hobos! Money and happiness! Punches in the nose! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, watching your health—degenerating!

Drunk in the gym! Greedy-ass yoga! Ab assistance! Chocolate for your health! Pro athletes without athletics! And the Twitter diet, phase two! It's your Monday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—but not in that skeevy David Barton way!

Sex vs. dieting! Childhood obesity debates! Bamboo bikes! Genius t-shirts! Swimming while criminal! And an easy way to beat anger, for stupid jerks! It's your Thursday Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—while ignoring our own!

Just as Vitaminwater might not actually be a magical elixir, "toning shoes" probably don't give you a tight ass and sculpted legs like the manufacturers tell you they do. What is this world coming to?

Here's a lost VHS that Jazzercise founder Judi Sheppard Missett probably wishes never made it to YouTube. The three ladies trim their waistlines while they sing "Move your Boogie Body" by the Bar-Kays completely a cappella. That's some interesting cardio!

Price Is Right host Drew Carey lost 80 pounds by removing carbs from his diet and exercising six days a week. Good for him! Now he can beat up Bob Barker for talking shit about him. [People; pics via AP]