Plus-size madness! Dorky yogis! Socializing for health! Dangerous bats! Unhealthy vegans! And hardcore hotness! It's your Thursday Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—while staying hydrated!

Heart attack triathlons! EZ-fix knees! Swimming keeps you alive! Fat mixing! Fitness cruise! Post-baby bodies! And the only weightlifting tips you'll ever need to watch! It's your Monday Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—while sipping opium-laced lard juice!

Denver's mayor takes the stairs! Full Figured Fashionistas have nice hair! Fat TV shows, there and there! Calorie knowledge is rare! Exercise is mental flair! It's your Wednesday Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—from our airy lair!

Looking for a way to fill out your high-waisted, universally unflattering mom jeans? Like the idea of working out in one of Amy Adams' cast off costumes from Enchanted? Then this bizarre body sculpting routine is right up your alley.

This is the greatest thing ever. Here's another Rich Juzwiak masterpiece, featuring moments from Diane Horner's Country Hip Hop Dancing, a workout video from HEAVEN. "You can even add your shoulders if you want. That's the fun thing about hip-hop!"

Who says that Americans are a bunch of lazy suckers who believe that they can get in shape only by purchasing video games and fancy gizmos? Now, Americans know they must instead purchase magic swimsuits and pseudoscientific shoes. Fitness ahoy!

Email fitness! Dirt babies! Hamburger guilt! Asthma fat! Calorie cuts! Happy longevity! It's your Health Watch, where we watch your health—while eating 100-calorie Twinkies, which are good, but small!

LL Cool J came on The View to promote his new diet book. When challenged, he uses Elisabeth, Joy, and even Sherri to do bicep curls. Is it bad we wish he'd have turned this move into a body-slam instead?

Laughter yoga. Nazi yoga. Donation yoga with Dave Matthews playing in the background. Thank you, yoga. That's enough.

Jazzercise founder Judy Sheppard Missett gets intense about her workout, bouncing her "boogie body" as shouts frantically in time. Jazz-handing and shrieking positive reinforcement like a manic banshee, she is terrifying and wonderful—a real-life Kristen Wiig character.

Dixie Carter's death does not diminish her memory or the Sugarbaker legacy. Simultaneously terrifying and hysterical, Dixie's lion pose from her home exercise/yoga video is a memorial to that brash belle, tragically taken from this world to redecorate the afterlife.

Just when you thought Milton Berle had cornered the market on senior citizen workouts, Estelle Getty, The Golden Girls' brashest broad, shows her flair for fitness. Watching her squat thrust becomes even weirder when she starts her geriatric sex talk.

Ladies: are you psychotically obsessed enough with your physical appearance? Fear not! Scientists have now determined exactly where you're failing in your quest to not be a fat, disgusting cow. They'll make you insane yet!

Who knew that walking backwards burned 119% more calories than walking forward? Make some simple additions to your sluggy routine, and you can improve your health without really trying.

Perhaps he should have invested in one of those Tony Little Gazelles.

Chelsea Clinton's gone to Haiti to sweat under the Caribbean sun and assist victims of the devastating earthquake? No, but she did host a spin class last night that doubled as a benefit, raising $66,810 from the likes of Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos, who pedaled alongside the former first daughter at the event. Try and multi-task like that, George Clooney. [People]

I guess there is video of this elsewhere but honestly I kind of prefer it that my awareness of this event is limited to this photo from The Martha Stewart Show's flack.

Riding high off of her success from youthful roles in 80s staples Who's the Boss? and Commando, Alyssa Milano made her own exercise video in 1988, the workout/dance/sleepover double entendre Teen Steam.

We know it's called a "deadlift," but that doesn't mean you're supposed to feel dead after performing one.

Skip the gym this weekend. Go shopping instead and you'll be multi-tasking without even realizing it. According to a study conducted in Britain—and commissioned by a department store, naturally—a three-hour shopping expedition burns off enough calories to make up for eating a Big Mac: