This just in: Teri Hatcher enjoys stealing the spotlight from her castmates. [Gatecrasher]

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker enshroud plans for their impending French wedding in mystery, a tactic that still fails to make the world care. [usatoday.com]

While American actors still cling to the silly idea that most endorsements somehow diminish their personal brands, they've proven time and time again that once they travel overseas, they'll deep-throat virtually any product if the price is right. The Defamer Special Correspondent On Things Eva Longoria Will Put In Her Mouth For Money just sent us these two images from the streets of Madrid and Granada, respectively, depicting the Desperate Housewives star enjoying a chilly treat known as Magnum, a European item which we'll assume carries no connection to the extra-large line of Trojan prophylactics enjoyed by girthier men back here in the States.

• Nicole Richie "fueled those pregnancy rumors by declining alcohol" at a party the other night. People. Come on. You don't have to be a Star magazine certified weight-estimator to deduce that that body could not even sustain a tapeworm. [Gatecrasher, 3rd item]
  

Getting the drop on famous people and breaking potentially upsetting news to capture their shocked reactions is a popular bloodsport with local celeb-stalking news crews, but Extra failed to put any points on the Gotcha! scoreboard by waylaying Eva Longoria about her former co-star's recently announced trip to rehab. Even after being gently reminded that Metcalfe was the guy who both provided her expert lawn care and sexually serviced her for 22 episodes, she merely shrugged, offered a polite, "No, I'm sure I don't know who that is," then continued in a whisper, "you know, I might 'go to rehab' too once the show's over and I need to get my name out there. Check back with me in couple of years and I'll get you the exclusive."

As we mentioned earlier, vying for the attentions of sauced celebrities piling out of the Beverly Hilton ballroom after the Golden Globes ceremony is a new event on the block: The "Golden Green" party, in the Hilton-adjacent former Robinsons-May retail space, is being co-presented by E! Network and the Environmental Media Association, and it plans on eschewing the wasteful extravagances of your typical Hollywood awards show bash for more eco-friendly party favors:

Several readers suggested that we celebrate this Thanksgiving by once again sharing last year's heartwarming story of how Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria helped a lucky Koo Koo Roo parking attendant get in the spirit of the holiday:

If you had told us that there was a way that something could make us even less interested in Eva Longoria's acting career than we already are, we would (as is the expected outcome of rhetorical constructions like this one) have declared you crazy. But a story in which the red carpet ubiquity unwisely dispels the rumor that she was planning to explore the erotic possibilities of Beyonc 's ample thighs in a movie project described as a female Brokeback Mountain has done what we previously thought impossible, nudging our Longoria interest-level from "generally find it hard to give a shit about anything she does" to absolute zero. We do, however, reserve the right to express a grudging concern for her well-being if either a freak accident or a bitchy co-star displeased with her wardrobe trailer etiquette on the set of Desperate Housewives results in bodily injury, as such stories are not technically career-related.

• Jimmy Buffett is busted in France after customs discovers around 100 hits of ecstasy in his luggage. His flack claims that it was only 20 pills, and they were prescription medication — but Buffett agreed to pay a fine, which doesn't make sense if his stash were legal. No word on why authorities searched him in the first place, but it probably had something to do with all those glowsticks he was waving around. [Page Six]
• We wouldn't put it past Andy Dick to hit on his 18-year-old son. [Lowdown]
• Let's reiterate, for a third day in a row, that Madonna is not adopting a child in Malawi. She's just sprinkling orphans with Kabbalah water. [Page Six]
• Eva Longoria bruises a rib, which is only slightly more tragic than breaking a nail. [R&M (bottom)]

It's been a while since Desperate Housewives' haunted set has unleashed a Final Destination-style attack on one of the show's stars—not since April, to be exact, when a series of linked events beginning with the unsealing of a deli platter at the craft services table eventually led to shards of exploding lightbulb lodging themselves into Teri Hatcher's eyeball. But the possessed, bloodthirsty Universal backlot location seems to do its best work with Eva "Conked on the Head" Longoria, and has thus returned to its former muse. From an Extra press release:

• To reiterate, Madonna did not adopt a boy during her visit to Malawi to help AIDS orphans. But since the Malawian keeps telling everyone that she did, you can bet she won't be back anytime soon. [Page Six]
• After putting Neosporin on her ego, former NBC News Anchor Mary Alice Williams heads to CBS to be Katie Couric's writer. [Lowdown]
• Nicole Richie breaks up with Brody Jenner after he offers her a potato chip. [Us Weekly]
• Tara Reid reportedly has her breast implants removed and liposuction scars touched up. So the next time she gets bombed and falls out of her dress, the image of her tits won't make you cry. Or not as hard, anyhow. [Page Six]
• Eva Longoria ditches Tony Parker for the loving embrace of AC Slater. [Scoop]
• Maggie Gyllenhaal finally spits out Peter Sarsgaard's child, a baby girl named Ramona. [R&M (bottom)]
• Kim Basinger is arraigned on charges of contempt after ex-husband Alec Baldwin sells her out with a list of custody violations. Honestly, we look forward to the day their daughter is old enough to buy a gun and shut her parents up once and for all. [TMZ]

We'd call Longoria's bold eschewal of post-Desperate Housewives television gigs a somewhat premature retirement announcement (she's probably got another year or two on Wisteria Lane), but we have a feeling that once Housewives' last episode wraps and her agent delicately offers her the choice of playing the "older love interest" on a midseason Freddie Prinze, Jr. sitcom or slowing starving to death in a series of houses of declining square footage in the Valley, she'll quickly rediscover her love for the medium.

• K-Fed boasts to having "amazing-ass test scores" on his GED. As for Britney, no comment. [Lowdown]

Just a few hours after the last showtune rendition had been expertly high-kicked by Hugh Jackman and the wedding reception cleanup crew had begun packing her father back into his shipping container, radiant bride Nicole Kidman and her new husband Keith Urban boarded a jet headed towards the most remote, private location they could think of for their honeymoon—a resort in sunny, tropical Tahiti. The very same resort, as a matter of fact, where telephoto-lens-seeking-missile Eva Longoria happened to be checking in with boyfriend Tony Parker:

• There's been an arrest in the case of Brangelina's stolen baby shower photos; still no clue who unleashed those horrid Britney pics, though. [R&M]
• In other Brangelina legal news: a Jordanian man tries to embezzle $23,000 with a fake ID bearing Brad Pitt's picture. [Reuters]
• Josh Duhamel pounds on a bathroom door at Vegas nightclub Bella, the occupant of which was taking too long. The door opens, out comes Tommy Lee, and suddenly Duhamel is on the floor. Never mess with a man's toot time. [Page Six]
• Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban's Tahitian honeymoon is crashed by Eva Longoria and Tony Parker, who are staying at the same resort, brining with them plenty of paparazzi. [IMDb]
• The ladies of The View are just a bunch of harpies. [NYDN]
• The Polish-American Congress brands Garry Trudeau a bigot because of a character named Kaminski in his Doonesbury cartoons. It would figure that a bunch of stupid polocks wouldn't get the joke. [Lowdown]
• The Glasgow Hilton refuses to give Paris Hilton a corporate discount. The Scotland tourism board couldn't have bought better publicity. [Page Six]
• A naked Pam Anderson just ain't what it used to be. [TMZ]

Amidst all the tabloid coverage of her divorce from Nick Lachey and her relationship to her svengali father, it's easy to forget that Jessica Simpson is, first and foremost, an artist: a mediocre, trend-trailing, completely forgettable recording artist. Her new album comes out at the end of August, but visitors to her website are treated to her new single—a catchy, 80s throwback that advocates treating life like one extended vacation, titled "Holiday." Except that she calls it "A Public Affair." (Here they are side by side: We defy you to tell the difference.)

Perhaps wanting a piece of what she sensed to be the hot trend amongst Hollywood's brightest scenewhores, celebrity perk-activist Eva Longoria capped off a trying day of contributing to the economic vitality of Robertson Blvd. by getting into a car accident:

• People mag has a major opportunity for you, cash-throwing advertiser — placement of your ad space near Shiloh. Dodge takes the bait. Is there anything that baby can't sell? [LeftLane]
• Without Pete Doherty, would the British press simply cease to exist? Every single day, the crackhead inspires a new, stupid story. Today, he's found Jesus. Tomorrow, he'll have found another rusty syringe. [FF]
• Just another reason to loathe Bill O'Reilly, courtesy of his 10-room Manhasset estate. [Cryptome]
• A Suicide Girl attempts to spend 7 days straight in the Fifth Avenue Apple Store (open 24 hours). If David Blaine had any thunder, this might steal some of it. [SuicideGirls]
• It's kind of sad when construction workers would rather read the WSJ than ogle your ass. [Things That Make You Go Hmmm]
• Marc Jacobs dumps his boyfriend; not even the twink's Marc Jacobs tattoo could lube the relationship. [Towleroad]
• Way up at 158th Street rests Safety City, "a special place to how to cross streets, drive bicycles, and ride in cars safely." [Amish in the City]
• An extra to-do for you tonight: John Mayer will be testing his skills at the Comedy Cellar at 11 PM. His comedy skills, that is. Panty-throwing still appropriate. [BWE]
• Eva Longoria is determined to prove that she can be just as annoying through the written word, thus her forthcoming erotic novel, to be ghostwritten by the editors of Maxim. [BookStandard]
• In their defense, only porn is going to distract Katrina victims from their problems. [CNN]
• From the creators of the Greg Gutfeld Show comes Keira Knightley's Jaw, a blog documenting exactly that. Better than Keira Knightley's Pout, which just makes you want to punch things. [Keira Knightley's Jaw]

We all know Eva Longoria is the hottest woman in the universe (at least according to Maxim magazine's inscrutable criteria), but beneath that bitsy, beautiful package lies a ferocious ugliness just waiting to jump out—particularly when she is required to pay for things. Who could forget her heartfelt holiday wishes to a Koo Koo Roo parking attendant who dared ask her for the required fee ("Jesus! It's Thanksgiving. Be nice. FUCK!"). Now comes this report from a Defamer operative about the Desperate Housewives actress, accompanied by Saved by the Bell star Mario Lopez, annoying the regulars and stiffing the friendly staff at a popular watering hole in Toluca Lake: