An actual winner (yes, we checked) at Saturday's Creative Arts Emmy Awards sent us this photo of the way she's displaying her statuette. Take this novel Emmy-repurposing as a commentary on how some Creative Arts victors might feel about having their ceremony held in untelevised obscurity a week before the more glamorous primetime event if you must, but we find it a wholly practical use of a glittery eyesore that would otherwise be nothing more than a dust-collecting conversation piece going to waste on a mantel. In any event, we're glad it's being deployed as a toilet tissue holder and not a personal hygiene device, as the aureate angel's pointed wings were clearly not designed to be placed anywhere near sensitive parts of the human anatomy.

Through Rosie O'Donnell's blog and accompanying Flickr page, you too can experience the disappointment of having your "gay family fun cruise" passion project, All Aboard!, passed over for special recognition by the Creative Emmys. Most of the captions are fairly self-explanatory, though we're not exactly sure why the first photograph is titled "buddy hackett." (Our inclination is to tell Rosie she's being entirely too hard on herself in that very chic and slimming outfit.) But while a picture can tell the proverbial thousand words, it's O'Donnell's hyperminimalist Blogku verse that completes the bittersweet story:

Scientologists seize control of the Creative Arts Emmys, awarding the prime-time animation statue to The Simpsons over South Park's Tom Cruise-baiting "Trapped in the Closet" episode. Not particularly caring about the other races but wanting to generally recognize excellence in pay TV programming, the shadowy sect decided to give 17 Emmys to HBO. [Variety]
Marlon Wayans will star in the high-concept DreamWorks comedy Pretty Ugly, in which he'll play a "handsome lifetsyle mogul who wakes up hideously ugly because of a curse," and who, for reasons we will not even attempt to understand, must then disguise himself as a Caucasian baby for the remainder of the movie. [THR]
Pirates of the Carribean wins its seventh straight weekend at the international box office, but was edged out by Snakes on a Plane in the UK. [Variety]
Onetime The OC golden boy Josh Schwartz will once again get a chance to prove his gift for climbing into the minds of teenage girls by writing the pilot for a potential The CW series based on the Gossip Girl books. [THR]
While other networks have begun showing episodes of their series on their own websites the day after they air, Fox is dumping the streaming duties on their local affiliates. [Variety]

The What I'm Watching blog has video of the notorious, Emmy-nominated role in HBO's Mrs. Harris that ignited the growing EllenBurstyngate controversy we first noted last month. In it, the seated actress delivers exactly two lines of dialogue directly to the camera, in a vaguely Eastern European accent. Total running time of the performance the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences deemed worthy of singling out for excellence? Nine seconds—or roughly double the amount of time it took voters too lazy to watch the screeners delivered directly into their hands to glance at names on a list and pick the only one they recognized.

With the only talented, productive member of the Spelling dynasty gone, it falls to the surviving Spelling women to proudly bear the torch, and honor their beloved in the best way they know how: by doing everything in their power to slander the other's good name while sabotaging planned, competing TV tributes.

Fresh off the heels of AdjectiveGate, the modifier-related scandal that rocked the world of TV awards show nomination procedures forever, comes yet another, shocking Emmy brouhaha. According to one irate GoldDerby message board poster, Ellen Burstyn's nominated performance for HBO's Mrs. Harris lasts a grand total of 15 seconds:

In a year in which the new Emmy nominations process has robbed the public of promising tabloid cat-fights between various Desperate Housewives by snubbing all of them, we're all going to have to look a little harder to find anything compelling about the run-up to the upcoming awards show. Awards site The Envelope turn to the nominations procedure itself to generate some controversy for Oscar's Paste-Eating Cousin™, but when the quarrel involves the phrase "seemingly arcane rule change" and a discussion of poor adjective choices on the TV Academy's evaluation materials, chances are good the muted uproar won't make anyone forget how fun it would be for Eva Longoria to "accidentally" plant a stiletto in the back of Felicity Huffman's neck as she hunts for an errant contact lens. Welcome to AdjectiveGate:

· Cower before the box office juggernaut that is Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, which "huge tracking numbers" reveal may crush Aquaman's all-time opening weekend record. Still, Disney's head of distribution pretends he's not already designing gloating ads in the trades with room for nine figures trailing a golden dollar sign: "No matter how you answer that question, it can come back to hurt you." Eh, stop being such a pussy and predict a $200 million take! No one will hold you to the figure on Monday morning, we promise. [Variety]
· Now this is one we've gotta see for ourselves: The Princess Bride's Westley will molest Lindsay Lohan in Georgia Rule. [THR]
· Emmy mysteries: How can the voters get it so right by snubbing the now unwatchable Desperate Housewives, yet so wrong by ignoring Lost? [Variety]
· Bafflingly, Crash's multiple Oscar wins did not result in the immediate blackballing of all involved in its production, as those with the most damning ties to the film continue to get work. [THR]
· The remake of All the King's Men will premiere at the Toronto Film Festival, unless Sony freaks out again and pushes it back to do some more "edits." [Variety]
· Yarr, cutesy pirate talk has no place in a trade publication. [THR]

· The trades have Emmy fever! Browse their lists of this year's nominees and join in the fun! [Variety, THR]
· The stars react to their nominations with an refreshing mix of humility, surprise, and surprised humility! Really, it's an honor just to be reading about these nominations. [Variety, THR ]
· Hollywood Out of Ideas, Defiling Christmas Edition: The evil stocking-plunderers at NBC will make a completely unnecessary live-action version of the 1974 stop-motion animation classic The Year Without a Santa Claus, with John Goodman starring as Santa. [Variety]
· David Duchovny, whom we'd assumed had given up acting for a quieter life bagging groceries somewhere in Montana, will join Benicio del Toro and Halle Berry in the highly buzzed about DreamWorks project Things We Lost in the Fire. [THR]
· Dakota Fanning is among 120 new invitees to join AMPAS, all of whom she plans to ruthlessly slaughter in an attempt to show fellow Academy members who's going to be running things for the next forty years. [Variety]

We know what you were thinking as you glanced over the seemingly endless list of those nominated for Emmys this morning: "I would find this infinitely more compelling if there were a place where I could see some of these people naked." The Tabloid Rabies blog has heard your silent, mental cries for Emmy-related nudity and compiled a brief collection of nude and/or topless photographs and screen-captures of this year's nominees in the Outstanding Lead Actress In A Drama Series category. (Mariska Hargitay and Kyra Sedgwick are well represented, but even though we love ourselves the occasional mature lady, Six Feet Under's Frances Conroy is mercifully clothed). The blog has yet to correct its regrettably sexist bent by posting photos of their male counterparts in either the dramatic or comedy fields, but we're sure it won't be long before images of Larry David's early full-frontal work surface.

On the morning of the announcement of the Academy Awards nominations, Hollywood rises at dawn, runs through a careful routine of stretching exercises, then invites the media over to its lavish estate to watch as it slowly leans forward and lovingly services its own swollen, pulsing genitalia before it soberly intones the litany of names of its most favored citizens. Hors d'oeuvres are served, and the musical accompaniment by the L.A. Philharmonic is sublime.

· As chattered about yesterday, UTA agent Marty Bowen leaves the agency for a producing deal at New Line (with Davis Entertainment president Wyck Godfrey). Kudos to Var for apparently digging up Bowen's Godfrey's high school yearbook photo (at left—update: we obviously had no idea what either of them look like) to illustrate their story. Update: A more recent picture of Godfrey is here. [Variety]
· Steven Spielberg will executive produce another Sci Fi Channel miniseries, this time about grieving people who find a way to reconnect with their departed loved ones via near-death experiences, Nine Lives. We still prefer to commune with the dead through Jennifer Love Hewitt's rack. [THR]
· Midseason Series DeathWatch: ABC will yank Emily's Reasons Why Not and Jake in Progress after just one airing to re-run the Bachelor season premiere on Monday, but the shows are "scheduled" to return on Jan. 23rd. You know, unless more compelling opportunities to replace Monday Night Football with reality show repeats present themselves. [Variety]
· West Coast exec VP Marc Graboff is promoted to West Coast president of NBC Universal TV. In related news, NBC president Kevin Reilly still has his job, for now. [THR]
· Like the desperate guy who starts calling a girl who just gave up the digits before she's even left the bar, Showtime sends out its Emmy screeners an unprecedented five months early. [Variety]
· In the New Line romantic comedy Bridge and Tunnel, Jennifer Lopez will star as a stock trader HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. No, really! J Lo as a stock trader! Sorry, did we just lose our shit a little? Yes, we did. [Variety]

· Michael Eisner finally finds some meaning for his post-Disney existence, signing up to host a bi-monthly CNBC talk show, the aptly named Conversations with Michael Eisner. The network says the show "will focus on the importance of creativity and innovation in all pursuits, from business to politics to entertainment," but with an eye toward "wistfully reminiscing about Eisner's days as the most powerful man in Hollywood, which I—excuse us—he totally was." [Variety]
· Rosie O'Donnell is producing a sketch comedy show for MTV network Logo. Think Saturday Night Live, but you know, gay. And probably funnier. OK, maybe not. [THR]
· Relieved to have big bully Monday Night Football out of the way, Two and a Half Men beats up on the premiere of Emily's Reasons Why Not, which we predict (as we must) will be gone by early February. [Variety]
· EuroSlump '05: European movie ticket sales were down in 2005, though revenue still increased a bit. Who can we invade to halt the slide? [THR]
· The TV Academy may change its rules to define its comedy category to include only traditional sitcoms, leaving "dramedies" (and please, for the love of God, don't use the term "comerama") like Boston Legal and Desperate Housewives to get hammered in the drama contest by Lost at the Emmys. [Variety]

Fresh tales of Desperate Housewives-related bitchery threaten to reopen the thousand paper-cuts of boredom inflicted on us by Sunday's Emmys. The folks at Open All Night expose a new round of red carpet shenanigans:

· HBO won't pick up another season of The Comeback, mercifully euthanizing the eternally suffering fictional actress Valerie Cherish and sending real-life counterpart Lisa Kudrow to the unemployment line. Goodbye, Valerie, you're going to a better place, one where Paulie G can't abuse you and you'll no longer have dog poop in your hair. [Variety]
· Shitergy update, pigskin edition: NBC plans to adapt corporate sibling Universal's Friday Night Lights into a television series, planned to arrive at the—here it comes—same time that the NFL returns to their network. [Variety]
· Brad Garrett wasn't talking shit when he joked about a Raymond spinoff at the Emmys, as talks for his own show are underway. [THR]
· The Emmys were up 30 percent in the 18-49 demo over a year ago, which isn't really saying much. The TV Academy should move them to NBC and finally finish them off. [Variety]
· Tom Sizemore signs on to develop a reality show about his life. Expect the Super Sizemore project to fulfill the suicidal promise reneged on by Breaking Bonaduce. [THR]

The LAT went party-hopping after the Emmys, soaking up the celebratory atmosphere, and gathering quotes from a variety of television stars self-consciously defending their consignment to Hollywood's small-screen ghetto. (Don Johnson: "More and more people get their information and entertainment from TV...Film has become a boutique business.") Yes, yes, we get it, you're all absolutely thrilled that you're not movie stars, but WHAT ABOUT THE CHOCOLATE ROOM? It seems like the Roosevelt might've been biting some of the Mondrian's style:

· We take back that spurious "talentless" remark we made earlier about Moonves's beloved Julie Chen. TV Gasm clearly demonstrates that she's really, really good at saying at least two words. Also, don't miss their Golden Gasms (at least three times more exciting than the Emmys!), in which we were invited to offer our useless opinions. Mischa wuz robbed, yo.
· We love it when actresses play humble: "When her name was announced, Huffman said she was so nervous, it felt like 'an out of body experience' and that the Emmy voters 'were going to come in and go "oh, I'm sorry. We didn't mean Felicity Huffman. We meant Shmalicity Guffman."'" Well, they definitely weren't going to call up Schmeva Gongloria or Schmicollete Geridan, were they?
· Hey, unicorns! (We love us some Boing Boing, yes we do.)
· An Agent Dance Blind Item, courtesy of Page Six. Talk amongst yourselves: "WHICH high-powered but hated agent tried to leave Endeavor for rival CAA? The offer was rescinded when two high-level CAA agents said they would quit if he came on board."
· Kate Moss is quickly becoming our Favorite Celebrity Ever.

Several readers have written in to inquire about the identity of Hugh Jackman's friend "John," whom the actor thanked in his Emmy acceptance speech, pictured above at left (we hope) with Jackman's wife Deb. (At right, we hope.) Very cursory research reveals that this individual is probably John Palermo, Jackman's longtime assistant and current producing partner, though we are loathe to use the words "longtime" and "partner" in the same sentence and send your gossipy little tongues wagging even more pruriently. Really, on the happiest night of his life, can't a dude with a soft spot for musicals thank his longtime assistant and producing partner without the world reading into the relationship? You should all be ashamed of yourselves. It's not like he's Jackman's "personal trainer" or something.

Blogger Paul Davidson recaps his Emmy weekend, from pre-party to the Big Night, observing herds of B-listers in their natural habitat: wandering around the NBC/Vanity Fair Spago bash and hoovering up free food from the buffet:

· Variety reminds you about the Emmy moments you may have slept through: Lost takes best drama, Raymond best comedy, Felicity Huffman beats out her fellow Housewives, HBO nabs the most awards overall, and as best comedy writing award winner Mitch Hurwitz would like to remind you, Arrested Development plunges headlong into a third straight season of teetering on the brink of cancellation. [Variety]
· THR analyzes various Emmy wins, including Raymond's statue-hogging last gasp: "How did 'Raymond' pull the comedy series upset? My theory is that voters looked at 'Housewives,' thought to themselves, 'I like this show, but it isn't particularly funny,' and then went with their heart rather than their head..." In other words, ABC's scheme to submit DH as a comedy exploded in its face. [THR]
· More Emmys? Yeah, we got that: Celebs wear ugly flowers to honor the victims of Katrina, but largely avoid going all Kanye West during the show. However, the Bush administration is expected to give serious consideration to Blythe Danner's call to bring our soldiers back from Iraq, but ultimately will double over in laughter and light their cigars with money earmarked for hurricane relief. [Variety]
· Martin Sheen will leave the White House to executive produce a sitcom for NBC through Warner Bros. TV. Brace yourself for the ensuing hilarity: "The show is described as loosely based on a situation that occurred in Sheen's extended family whereby a heterosexual man found himself living with his gay older brother and his brother's lover, all three of which are tasked with taking care of the straight man's ailing mother-in-law. The mother-in-law, however, is a fundamentalist Christian and thus is kept in the dark about the true relationship between the gay couple." [THR]
· Project Greenlight update! First season winner Pete "Stolen Summer" Jones sells his comedy script, Hall Pass, to 20th Century Fox as a possible directing vehicle for the Farrelly brothers. [Variety]