Resolved: Teacher training programs in America suck big time.

Is your mollycoddled teenager playing you for a fool? It seems likely. They can't do their homework without a pricey assistant at their side; but they can make more money than you promoting tween parties. Parents, wake up!

A close study of media reports and peer-reviewed studies reveals that there are only three kinds of college students left in America: the snobs; the dropouts; and the cheaters. These are their stories.

America's awful parents: if they're not taping their kids to the wall, then they're overparenting them, starting in kindergarten, so they can "get into Harvard" in 15 years. For example: even pre-literate toddlers are too smart for picture books.

In NYC, two-thirds of primary schools saw their scores decline in progress reports. In Chicago, parents are holding a sit-in protest to save their children's after-school center. Only the suburban schools are properly educating kids. By treating them like idiots.

NYC elementary school teacher Melissa Petro's been "reassigned to administrative work" after writing publicly about her past work as a prostitute. But the tabloids aren't done with her. Would you believe she got tenure? After admitting to ess-ee-exxx?

Pointedly ignoring the fact that most schools are worthless, While Obama is trying to hire 10,000 new teachers. Great, just what our kids need (*sarcasm punctuation mark*). More science, chess, Chinese classes...what our kids need is self-defense. Nerds!

The wacky textbook-rewriting rubes in Texas are at it again! This time, the patriotic defenders of patriotism are out to solve the biggest problem facing the teetering public education system in America: pro-Islamic bias.

In a story on the rise of for-profit private schools in NYC, the NYT highlights a demographic trend that could spell disaster: in Manhattan, there are more rich kids than private school slots. What will the rich kids do?

With the crisis of worthless (or not?) college degrees getting old, media outlets must find a new way to scare parents about the many mistakes they've made in their child's education. To the rescue: Is your child a "school-refusal" freak?

Is it time to give up on the fantasy of educating children in schools? We must regretfully report: yes, it is time. The teachers are getting violent, moonlighting as criminals, and leaving the kids to play video games in class.

Happy first day of school! What do we have to complain about? All types of things! The schedule is stupid. The prices of school supplies are out of control. The bus is late. And hey, stop shooting us!

You probably remember your middle school years as a "golden age" when your horrible physical and emotional awkwardness resulted in frequent humiliation at the hands of early-maturing bullies. Surprisingly, researchers say middle school's not all it's cracked up to be.

First, there were paid internships. Those were okay. Then, there were unpaid internships. Those were just slightly better than nothing. Now, there are internships you pay for, which won't even get you a high-paying job. Those are a scam.

Breaking: some assholes who hate Muslims find a high school test insufficiently hateful of Muslims. Well then! Destroy it! Burn the books! Kill the teachers! For Jesus! Below, the hateful Dirty Muslin-loving test questions exposed by New York's greatest tabloid.

Sure, we all like to get our cheap kicks by condemning the rich for sending their kids to private schools. But can you blame them, when public schools are so dangerous and drug-infested? (Yes. But check out these stats).

Everyone knows that exclusive private kindergartens in Manhattan are too expensive, too competitive, and make parents crazy. But one good story on $400 per hour kindergarten interview consultants really drives home the point: everyone involved here is awful.

Speaking of complaints about the incoming college Class of 2014, here's another one: they're not smart enough to be in college. No, really.

What's the problem with schools these days? Well, besides the racial performance gap, the out-of-control employees, and the city government takeovers, they just can't keep their most important stakeholders (the media) happy.

Since time immemorial, the job of a high school has been to see to it that kids get their god damn diploma and never come back. Now, someone wants to keep track of how those kids do later? Why?