20 volumes of perpetually fucked rocker Pete Doherty's incoherent ramblings will be bound into a single, hardcover volume and marketed as poetry in March 2007. Surprisingly, Doherty actually won a poetry competition when he was in his teens, but we're not buying that as proper justification for killing more trees. Doherty was expected to make the announcement himself yesterday, but was unable to make it due to a last-minute smack delivery. Instead, Orion editor Ian Preece was forced to rationalize on the young poet's behalf:

What he couldn't figure out, however, was how anyone ever — sniff, sniiff — caught on to him.

• Completely unsubstantiated but nonetheless interesting: Are Jay-Z and Beyonce officially over? Does Jigga prefer the less-bootylicious Rihanna? Will Beyonce's dad resolve the issue with a shotgun? [Social Rank]
• Like an udder on a thick-lipped cow, Anderson Cooper milks his interview with Angelina Jolie, airing tomorrow night. He clarifies that People's $4 million Shiloh fee did not include a guarantee that he'd get first interview; rather, Jolie picked the Coop because she knew he wouldn't try to do her. [360 Blog]
• It's Christmas in June: Danny Meyer's ShackCam goes live! Updated every 5 seconds, it's the ultimate tool in planning your meal schedule. May it bring all of Manhattan together and working towards organizing dining, so as to forevermore avoid intolerable lines. [Eater]
• One of Brooklyn's beloved Jonathans writes an open, overwrought letter to Frank Gehry; if all the Jonathans would combine their powers, they could create a Super Letter, so strung-out that not even the most hardened developer could look away. [Slate
• What if Brokedown Palace involved a pair of jeans? [Wired]
• You can now purchase a clear cube full of authentic NYC garbage. Just goes to show that if you package a turd properly, someone will buy it. [NYC Garbage]
• GMA kisses Prince's boots, builds him a fortress. [OAN]
• Edward Champion ups the Okrent cocksucking metaphor to slightly uncomfortable, albeit satirical, levels. [EdRants]
• Performance art on a Monday morning is simply unacceptable. [Animal]
• Crackheadz Gone Wild: New York features raw, uncensored footage of local drug addicts on spring break, going crazy for Mardi Gras beads. [Metro]

Remember Natasha Lyonne? The adorably husky actress from American Pie and Slums of Beverly Hills seemed to have skipped her DARE classes and, in the past year and a half, has threatened to molest her neighbor's dog, pissed off her landlord Michael Rappaport (who wrote about her drug den in Jane), and was hospitalized for all sorts of life-threatening, needle-related things. The last Natasha sighting we ran was in January; we didn't receive another until mid-May. But as we'd not heard much about Natasha, we weren't sure if the sighting was legit, so it was set aside for safekeeping. Then we received a genuinely disturbing Natasha account, then another, and yet one more last night. Four fucked Natashas cannot be ignored, so here they are, in order:

• Apparently Joe Lieberman has some sort of bet going to determine how stupid voters in Connecticut really are. [YouTube]
• When an outfit like The Nation calls something "the stupidest press release ever" you need to sit up and take note: It's got to be egregiously dumb to stand out amongst all the touts for new bongs and "progressive netroots" conferences. [The Nation]
• American Apparel flack responds to 2005 resignation letter; apparently, Dov Charney is so saintly that if you threw him out of a plane, he'd float up. [Consumerist]
• Philadelphia follows lead of New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, bans smoking. Racist cheesesteaks still available. [Philadelphia Will Do]
• Britney Spears has no plans to birth newest Federline in Namibia, decides it's just as easy to sob yourself to sleep here in the U.S.A. [People]
• The Daily News doesn't need a touching quote to make us cry - they can just keep running that unsightly picture of Lloyd Grove each day. [Observer]
• Jack Shafer's not gonna be happy until every single American child is on the drugs. Also, he ran with a tough crowd in high school [Slate]
• Ann Coulter calls for assassination of Pennsylvania congressman; weary nation yawns, wonders who said it first. [ThinkProgress]
• A heartwarming story about respect. [OINY]
• OMG, this is SO. FUCKING. CUTE. [Corporate Casual]

• We just can't believe that anyone calling himself "Jacob the Jeweler," who makes his living crafting massive, diamond-encrusted watches and pendants for the good people of the hip-hop industry, would have anything to do with a drug ring called the Black Mafia Family. [TMZ]
• Introducing our new favorite website: Long Awkward Pose. People look stupid when they pose for pictures, but they look even more stupid when they don't know they're being videotaped during their earnest posing. Hilarity ensues. [Long Awkward Pose]
• Markos Moulitsas of Daily Kos thinks Maureen Dowd is a "catty, insecure bitch," which may or may not having something to do with former Wonkette Ana Marie Cox. Crazy fucking redheads. [The Stranger]
• If a sex shop comes to Soho, it has to be luxe. Kiki de Montparnasse fits the bill — and if it's high-end, the celebrities shall flock. Go and watch Lenny Kravitz buy a high-end dildo, it'll change your life. [NY Sun]
• Daniel Klaidman comes to NYC to be the assistant managing fluffer at Newsweek. [FishbowlDC]
• Associated Press management slowly dehydrates its staff to death. [The Slug]
• Bill Gates announces that in two years he'll go part-time at Microsoft and devote his energies full-time to his charity work. Steve Jobs cackles, John Hodgman weeps. [Forbes]

• Kate Moss will not be charged with possession stemming from her September '05 cover shoot with the UK's Daily Mirror. Apparently something about a lack of evidence or being able to definitively prove she was bumping rails of blow and not, say, powdered sugar. You know how those skinny models love their powdered sugar! [Guardian]
• Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams didn't mean to snub Howard Stern at Nobu last week; they were just having "a very deep conversation about something in our personal life," says Ledger. Go ahead and read into that all you want, but they were likely just whining about Brooklyn. [Page Six]
• MSNBC host Keith Olbermann apologizes for telling a viewer to go fuck his mother. That was meant for Rita Cosby. [Lowdown]
• In a remarkable display of maturity, Lindsay Lohan turns down a round of shots, noting that she's underage. She still stayed out until 7 AM — thankfully, there's no age restrictions on marching powder. [R&M (bottom of page)]
• And after all that partying, Lohan still has the energy to be Madonna's new BFF. Though admittedly the starlet's not thrilled about getting Britney Spears' sloppy seconds. [Scoop]
• Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood has headed off to rehab. How are these guys even alive enough to be addicts? Were they all given new livers at some point in the mid-90s? [Fox411 (2nd item)]
• First daughter Barbara Bush uses Craigslist for job-hunting. Suddenly, we soften. Just a little. [Page Six]

• People mag has a major opportunity for you, cash-throwing advertiser — placement of your ad space near Shiloh. Dodge takes the bait. Is there anything that baby can't sell? [LeftLane]
• Without Pete Doherty, would the British press simply cease to exist? Every single day, the crackhead inspires a new, stupid story. Today, he's found Jesus. Tomorrow, he'll have found another rusty syringe. [FF]
• Just another reason to loathe Bill O'Reilly, courtesy of his 10-room Manhasset estate. [Cryptome]
• A Suicide Girl attempts to spend 7 days straight in the Fifth Avenue Apple Store (open 24 hours). If David Blaine had any thunder, this might steal some of it. [SuicideGirls]
• It's kind of sad when construction workers would rather read the WSJ than ogle your ass. [Things That Make You Go Hmmm]
• Marc Jacobs dumps his boyfriend; not even the twink's Marc Jacobs tattoo could lube the relationship. [Towleroad]
• Way up at 158th Street rests Safety City, "a special place to how to cross streets, drive bicycles, and ride in cars safely." [Amish in the City]
• An extra to-do for you tonight: John Mayer will be testing his skills at the Comedy Cellar at 11 PM. His comedy skills, that is. Panty-throwing still appropriate. [BWE]
• Eva Longoria is determined to prove that she can be just as annoying through the written word, thus her forthcoming erotic novel, to be ghostwritten by the editors of Maxim. [BookStandard]
• In their defense, only porn is going to distract Katrina victims from their problems. [CNN]
• From the creators of the Greg Gutfeld Show comes Keira Knightley's Jaw, a blog documenting exactly that. Better than Keira Knightley's Pout, which just makes you want to punch things. [Keira Knightley's Jaw]

How can you not love Ellen Barkin's 2nd floor balcony? When she first moved in to her West 12th Street townhome, Barkin erected a miserable privacy fence around the balcony, blocking her neighbors' courtyard view. Then she had a change of heart, and the fence has since been removed. Alas, without a privacy fence, one doesn't get much privacy. A reader writes:

Page Six reports today that at Monday night's CFDA awards, Lindsay Lohan got up to use the bathroom six times in a mere two hours. Unfortunately, Lohan was sitting at HRH Anna Wintour's table, and everyone knows how Anna prefers that her guests remain very, very still. Wintour reportedly told a staffer, "Tell her, if she gets up one more time, she will never be invited to one of my events again," and then asked Lohan's walker, Karl Lagerfeld, to "control" the young star's behavior.

• Battle of the randoms: Stephen Dorff and Jeremy Piven get in sissy-slapping contest at Bungalow 8, mostly because Dorff cut in front of Piven in the bathroom line. Dorff's defense: "At least I am a movie star - you're only on TV! Cable TV!" True, but at least he's not Stephen Dorff. [Page Six]
• Meanwhile, Karolina Kurkova tolerates Piven's awkward flirting. [R&M]
• K-Fed gets jealous about Britney's manny taking over the domestic duties, but not jealous enough to put down the pipe for two seconds and change a diaper. [Scoop]
• Billy Bragg thinks Rupert Murdoch is trying to steal your MySpace content. Hungover hipsters suddenly rethink posting crappy music from unsigned bands. [Lowdown]
• Poor Philly endures the return of a 9-foot-tall statue of Sylvester Stallone. [Fox411]
• Newly sober Full House legend Jodie Sweetin has signed with Fuse to host their upcoming competition, Pants-Off Dance-Off. She'd probably want to keep the meth around for that one. [Page Six]

While New York frets about its safety in light of decreasing terror funds, there's trouble in Barcelona at this very moment:

• The National Enquirer finds itself getting sued, yet again — but this time it's not Tom Cruise unleashing the lawyers. It's little Lisa Turtle (aka Lark Voorhies), who is suing for unspecified damages after the rag quoted a source as saying she was bipolar and addicted to cocaine. Honestly, she did look a little tweaked when she and Screech did "the sprain" dance. [TMZ]
• Britney Spears suspects hubby K-Fed may be the source of leaks to the tabloids. He may not be the best husband for her, but Federline sure is loyal to America. [Scoop]
• Shiloh Jolie-Pitt's grandfather, Jon Voight, launches a public campaign to see the new baby. Considering his contact with the press was a major reason behind his estrangement with Angelina Jolie, this strikes one as a not-so-good plan. [Lowdown]
• Three Days of Rain may not have been stellar, but was it really so bad as to kick Julia Roberts down to the new face of Avon? [Page Six]
• Nobody's quite sure whether or not Anna Nicole Smith is pregnant, particularly because she's yet to figure out how to pee on a stick. [R&M]
• Details gives a rundown of the city's most hump-friendly public restrooms; the Plumm, Bungalow 8, and Bar 89 make the list. And yet there's no mention of the bathrooms at the Christopher Street Pier. C'mon, Details. We know you know. [Page Six]

This Memorial Day, take a moment to pay respects to Hollywood's assistants and crew members, whose toil and babble is the stuff celebrity weeklies are made of. Case in point: a reliable source in South Williamsburg happens to live right where Colin Farrell and company are currently filming Pride and Glory; last night, knowing she'd never actually get near Farrell himself, she made a move for the union workers:

A Hell's Kitchen resident emails to report that on her walk across 43th Street to work each morning she often notices a certain sweet aroma as she passes the Times Building. She put together a bit of doggerel announcing her finding and speculating on its cause, which we pass on to you now:

• After Paris Hilton's new BFF Brandon Davis hurled an a-bomb of videotaped insults at Lindsay Lohan (who, if you recall, has freckles coming out of her vagina), Lohan exacts revenge by using her tongue to massage the tonsils of Paris' ex, Starvos Niarchos. [Page Six]
• Now that Couric is leaving the Today show, publishers are hungry for her unauthorized biography. Ed Klein is foaming at the mouth. [R&M]
• Meanwhile, not content to be left in the morning show dust, Diane Sawyer makes a subtle, attorney-driven play for the World News Tonight desk. [Page Six]
• Brett Ratner would love to photograph nude women, particularly Lindsay Lohan's 7-foot-long clitoris. [Lowdown]
• Authorities have decided to prosecute "other" Baldwin brother Daniel on cocaine charges. He faces 18 months in jail and, for once, people knowing his name. [CourtTV]
• Jessica Simpson insists that she didn't fire her best friend/assistant CaCee Cobb. She fired a two-timing skank who wouldn't stop being friendly with Nick Lachey. [IMDb]

• Lindsay Lohan admits to having an asscrack double on Saturday Night Live. Is nothing real anymore? Is nothing sacred? [Defamer]
• You know, we don't get fantasy sports leagues. Dudes check that shit every three minutes, and we don't have the heart to tell them that it's not real. But a fantasy celebrity league? That's about as real as it gets. [ESPN]
• Blogfight, resolved: Michael Malice runs back to Overheard in NY. [NY Overheard]
• Rebecca Traister spends way too much time figuring out why college boys are having erectile dyfunction problems. We have the answer in two words: coke cock. [Broadsheet]
• Abercrombie & Fitch will do just about anything to lure the Gays. [Consumerist]
• Oh, happy day: it's a socialite blog! Meet Melissa C. Morris, who has no problem marrying a man called Chappy. [Melissa C. Morris]
• One in seven of New York's east Asian immigrants is carrying Hepatitis B. Just something to think about when you start flirting with the locals at Winnie's. [NYT]

Page Six reported today that Lindsay Lohan's lackluster Today show appearance on Monday morning was due to an all nighter with a group of friends that included an unnamed Conde Nast staffer. Clearly said staffer deserves a promotion and a gold medal for his dedication to the Conde cause, so we put it to our dear readers to name some names.

Some completely unsubstantiated, certainly-not-true rumor mongering about Josh Lucas, courtesy of the rascally Velvet Rope Whore:

Perhaps we were a little too quick to mock The Times a few months ago during their 27-part-series, How Sleep is Slept in America. Specifically, The Times drew attention to the fact that "Ambien has been implicated in enough automobile accidents that it has commanded the attention of top forensic scientists." While we were dubious at the time, the NYT's thesis has indeed been borne out: Witness Rhode Island congressman Patrick Kennedy's assertion that his recent vehicular altercation with a Capitol Hill traffic barrier was the result of the controversial sleep aid. Kennedy driving jokes are such a low form of comedy that even Clyde Haberman seems embarrassed to use them (he still does, but, you know, not happily) so we're just going to suggest that Senator Ada Smith look into the possibility that the sedative causes robusta rage.