• An socio-anthropological examination of the JAP and her fitness habits. Naturally, the gym bag is the heaviest weight she lifts. [Fake Jew]
• Anna Wintour acknowledges the un-chicness of Mastic, her vacation town. And yet she continues to own property there. The mind boggles! [The Beach]
• The city passes its "Imette law," inspired by the murder of Imette St. Guillen, who's believed to die at the hands of an unlicensed bouncer. Clubs must now enact all sorts of new safety measures — none of which, you know, will actually prevent a some girl from getting wasted and getting in trouble. But nice of them to try. [NYP]
• Two days after Christina Alisio told the Post that she'd slept with philandering Met Paul Lo Duca, she's hired counsel to go after the media outlets who didn't make her look as hot as she'd have liked. [Philadelphia Will Do]
• The Wives and Girlfriends (WAGs) of major English soccer stars are redefining white trash, wearing high-end apparel bought with their own money and angering designers who hate to see their work on such middle-class bodies. Aw, poor Posh. Then again, maybe we're kind of into the WAGs because they're not an American property. If they were "ours," we'd probably hate them too. [Telegraph]
• The Week is doing kind of well. No, seriously. Don't laugh. [Folio]
• Who isn't working for Radar? It's just as commonplace as using the subway. [Belle in the Big Apple]
• Cocaine + hipsters + Mexico City = obligatory American Apparel reference. [LA Weekly]

We never get the good taxis:

• Meredith Vieira preps for her forthcoming role as Today show co-host by visiting the newsroom and, um, taping Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?. The contrast of morning show queen to cheesy game-show host may be funny now, but just wait until she's doing a tough AM interview with a heavy hitter and asks them, "Is that your final answer?" [NYDN]
• Be mesmerized as you watch the downfall of Mel Gibson. [Us Weekly]
• And then do a little fist-pump, as he's been charged with a DUI. [TMZ]
• 9/11: The answer to Nic Cage's prayers. [Defamer]
• It may be hot as fried balls out there, but at least it's not Europe. [Logged Hours]
• Rather than slappping a vile breastfeeding image on a magazine cover, why not stick to the traditional, Christian methods of breast coverage? [Zulkey]
• Apparently, we're the reason you're not investing in your 401(K). [TAP]
• Misty water-colored memories of the Ford Administration. [Yahoo ]
• City Councilman John Liu talks about loser pedophile radio stooges. And it has nothing to do with Jeffrey Epstein. [Daily Politics]
• The Chinese goverment has ordered that 50,000 dogs be killed, if only so that you may better enjoy your delicious Lo Mein Special. [AP]
• Christopher Hitchens' obit: would that it were so. [The State That I Am In]
• Best headline of the day: Naked, Combative Man Leads Police to Marijuana Farm. [AP]

• Anti-Semite Mel Gibson had been deeply depressed before he was arrested for his DUI; the incident was "a death wish." Alas, Gibson may still be alive, but no doubt he really killed his career. 50% ain't bad for an alchy. [Deadline Hollywood]
• But seriously, he's NOT an anti-Semite. He's just really, really pro-Jesus. [AP]
• Hard Rock heir Harry Morton lost his sister to a drug overdose, and he'll be damned if he loses his girlfriend Lindsay Lohan to the same fate. Hope Harry's been working out, because it's going to take some muscle to pry that twenty out of her nose. [R&M]
• When Diana Bianchi slept with Christie Brinkley's husband Peter Cook, nobody won — except for Fawn Gettling, a video studies major at the Art Institute of New York City who made a quick bundle with a documentary she'd made about a then-unknown Bianchi and her struggle with anorexia and bulimia. [Page Six]
• A waitress claims that restaurateur Brian McNally hit her after she threw a glass at him. Of course, they were fighting about Israel and Hezbollah, so this is all perfectly understandable. This war really does serve as the universal excuse. [Page Six]

If you watched Monday night's debate between Democratic gubernatorial candidates Eliot Spitzer and Tom Suozzi, you need to get a fucking life. Seriously, New York offers a number of organizations where you can make new friends who share your interests and passions; look into them. But anyway, while you were sitting at home with your cats watching one of the more pointless political events of the season, you probably noticed that, when asked about smoking marijuana, both men affirmed that they had been on the pipe. (Spitzer, oddly, hasn't allowed his own experiences to change his view that we shouldn't permit the medical use of the drug, which makes sense: Why waste good pot on people who won't enjoy it?) In any event, we find it rather cheering that we've now reached a place in our politics where candidates can openly advertise their ganja consumption. Should Suozzi realize that he's fighting a futile battle and cut a deal with Spitzer to replace David Patterson as the ticket's lieutenant governor, we think we might have the perfect poster for the team.

Holy fuck. Bitch is dehydrated AGAIN?!

• Billionaire financier Jeffrey Epstein — who, with Mort Zuckerman, helped fund the baby steps of Radar 2.0 — just wants to be happy. Thus he hired a certified prostisseuse to come over work the knots out of his back and give him a happy ending. Now he's been indicted for soliciting a hooker and is charged with a third-degree felony. No word on whether or not he ever got that handjob. [Page Six]
• In an impressive psychological twist, Colin Farrell's stalker Dessarae Bradford holds a press conference on the steps of the LA federal courthouse and accuses the actor of stalking her. Crazy bitch is good. [Lowdown (last item)]
• Christopher Hitchens writes for Maxim, tells youth of America to go bareback. [Page Six]
• Tara Reid is told by her agent that she's landed the lead in Senior Skip Day and, to ensure her career's revival, she'll be starring opposite Robert De Niro. Unfortunately, De Niro's people insist he's in no way involved in the project. As for Reid's agent: cruel, but hilarious. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Gay everywhere throw tantrums as Nic Cage signs on to play Liberace. The role's really too subtle for him. [TMZ]
• Pete Doherty schedules another five-minute stint in rehab. [E!]

• By pursuing a libel case agains the National Enquirer in UK courts, Britney Spears wins over the tab's claim that she and Kevin Federline are splitting. The British and Irish editions will print a rare apology, which is all fine and good — but why the hell hasn't she sued Bazaar over that frightening cover shoot? [R&M (last item)]
• Aspiring pop singer and experienced Lolita Diana Bianchi can't carry a tune. God thing she still has a future serving as some sort of twat. [Lowdown]
• Justin Timberlake tries to convince the world he's not a pussy by proclaiming that he's "done way too many drugs." [Spin]
• Film critic Joel Siegel walks out of a screening of Clerks II, deeming it smut. The scene that set him off involved a discussion of a woman performing sexual acts on a donkey, which obviously brings up a lot of painful memories for Siegel. [Page Six]
• E! censors Voice gossip Michael Musto when he appears on The Simple Life to interview Paris Hilton. The offending phrase: "Are you a fag hag?" Apparently network execs didn't want anyone to even raise the issue of Hilton's hagginess. [Page Six]
• John Cusack scores a restraining order against his stalker who, we'll have you know, does not appear to have used the Stalker Map to harm Lloyd Dobler. [Reuters]

• The View producers announce that they will not search for an official replacement for Star Jones until after September 5, once Rosie O'Donnell plops down on her chair. Meanwhile, O'Donnell is blogging in favor of American Idol finalist Kellie Pickler, who co-hosted yesterday. Yeah, she's real pretty, isn't she, Rosie? [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Paris Hilton taunts Lindsay Lohan with unsubtle snickering; Lohan manages not to go apeshit. Such remarkable restraint can only mean that Lohan actually took a day off from the marching powder. [Page Six]
• Diana Bianchi, the 19-year-old mistress of Peter Cook (estranged husband to aging supermodel Christie Brinkley), never asked Cook to leave Brinkley for her. She was happy with quiet, complacent fucking. [TMZ]
• And of course, this is not the first time Cook has dipped his toes in the barely legal pool. [Fox 411]
• Oliver Stone likes hallucinogenic drugs. Big surprise there — we all saw Alexander, unfortunately. [R&M]
• After alleging that her ex-fiancee, Sopranos star Vincent "Big Pussy" Pastore, beat the crap out of her, Lisa Regina held a reading for her book on domestic violence and invited the entire Sopranos cast. Alas, no one showed, lest they too get a gear shift in the face. [Page Six]

Ah, the many myths of conference-hound Marc Canter. Overheard this week:

• Disneyland stays open until midnight for Lindsay Lohan, so that Mickey might get high from her special secondhand smoke. On the darkened riverboat cruise that concluded her evening, Lohan made the happiest place on earth a little more so by blowing rails of Tinkerbell's fairy dust. [MiceAge]
• Diddy now asks that you refer to him as Puff. And if you openly mock him, you can expect the support of onlookers and pedicab drivers. [Page Six]
• At a shop in London, a salesgirl refuses to take Naomi Campbell's credit card; the girl apparently didn't believe it was actually Campbell making the purchase. Campbell stormed out of the store; salesgirl miraculously escapes unharmed. [Female First]
• Brandon Davis is out of rehab; Los Angeles drug dealers stock up in anticipation. [Gatecrasher (2nd to last)]
• Always on the urban beat, Lloyd Grove reports that rapper Foxy Brown is facing misdemeanor charges of harassing her former assistant with threatening emails. Emails? Whatever happened to the hardcore bitchslap? [Lowdown]
• The good news: drooling virgins will finally be able to see Natalie Portman naked. The bad news: they'll have to sit through an entire Goya biopic. [Page Six]
• Elle MacPherson assumes her role as the lead Hot Tuna. [Bloomberg]

When is the otherwise square New York Post pro-drug? When drugs are proven to enhance the conservative pro-God agenda. Thirty-six "hallucinogen-naive" adults were treated to a regimen of psilocybin pills, i.e. the psychoactive ingredient in certain mushrooms. The NYP capsules the study's results theologically, noting that despite potential side effects, shrooms "also can spark a religious experience that leaves users feeling kinder and happier"; regarding the 36 test subjects, "two-thirds judged it to be among their top-five experiences, equal to the birth of a first child." Of course, the NYP clipped the story from the Washington Post, whose hippie commies were even more excited, headlining their article, "Drug's Mystical Properties Confirmed." Magic is real, people!

Look, this is only marginally related to technology. But seriously:

• David Hasselhoff is barred from Wimbledon because he sweats vodka and tried to get in without a ticket, screaming, "Do you know who I am? I'm the Hoff!" David, that shit only works on the set of Baywatch Nights. [Page Six]
• Nicky Hilton plans to open her own chain of hotels. The girl loves a challenge. [People]
• Hillary Clinton refuses to cooperate with writer Gail Sheehy for her forthcoming profile in Vanity Fair, maybe because Sheehy is seen attending events in a bright orange blazer. [Lowdown]
• Get photographed with some blow, and you'll raise your income by $11 million. Sears Portrait Studio, here we come! [Page Six]
• Russell Crowe and Danielle Spencer give birth to a baby boy; Crowe promptly punches baby in the face. [Us Weekly]
• Johnny Damon smoked pot as a kid. Related: new study finds that some teens drink alcohol. [R&M]

The Washington Post and "don't call me the Segway inventor" Dean Kamen want geeks to be famous. Rather than letting creative geniuses get all the glory for their piddly "Oscars" and their "works of timeless art," the Post and Kamen want kids to worship real role models like the Google guys and YouTube founders.

• Instead of serving hard time for cocaine possession, Boy George will be doing community service. Specifically, he'll be working for the Department of Sanitation. With the summer heat melting rat turds everywhere, we would've opted to be a prison bitch. [OMG]
• Terror returns to the financial district: Naomi Campbell moving into 55 Wall Street. [WSJ]
• Peter Kaplan and Arthur Carter are surprisingly hot. [The Real Estate]
• If Star Jones and Al Reynolds were fish, she'd be the bug-eyed starfish and he'd be a gay-as-a-rainbow trout. [Gallery of the Absurd]
• Heather Graham gets ice cream and you don't. But really, she needs it more than you do. [Almost Literary]
• If you combine Times heds with the final paragraph of the accompanying story, you get a simplified, if not mildly insane, result. [Bumper Active]
• Grace Edwards toes dangerously at the nipslip line — really, New York Social Diary just doesn't do that sort of thing, dear. [NYSD]
• This is extremely late-breaking, but when in doubt, blame sagging circulation on natural disasters. You can't argue with God's weather patterns! [Mediaweek (last graf)]

• Jesus lives and saves us all: Star Jones is reportedly announcing her departure from The View, preferring instead to continue her rapid shrinking in the privacy of her own home. If we're lucky, her on-air farewell will be the exact opposite of Katie Couric's: hilarious and laced with blood. [Access Hollywood]
• Producer Dallas Austin has now been in a Dubai prison for one month for trying to bring drugs into the country for Naomi Campbell's birthday party; Campbell has yet to forgive him for ruining her big day. [MTV]
• A sneak peek at a former Playboy Bunny's tell-all, plus her requisite cleavage. [Hollywood Interrupted]
• Best Week Ever comedian Sherrod Small slams the John Mayer report, insists that the musician's use of the n-word was funny. [BWE]
• Extremely loud and incredibly derivative. [The Velvet Blog]
• One block of 103rd Street is renamed Humphrey Bogart Place in honor of the actor's childhood home. Not that it makes the locale any more appealing. [Cinematical]
• Unintentional hilarity: Laura Ingraham as the next Jon Stewart? It's a pilot we'd gleefully kill to get our hands on. [TV Newser]
• Overheard in NY gets its own stalker map. [Overplot]
• Kudos to the generous Daily News editors who allowed Ben Widdicombe to out both Anderson Cooper and Shep Smith in one fell swoop. [Gatecrasher]
• Hipster Swiss Army knives, crafted especially for Bedford Avenue stabbings. [Consumerist]
• Does Us Weekly have a problem with Britney Spears? Is People coddling her? And at what point will we all collectively agree to just look the fuck away? [Media Orchard]

Last week we posted a compilation of reader sightings of starlet Natasha Lyonne, whose well-documented drug problems have pushed her towards obscurity. The sightings weren't positive — more or less, Lyonne was described as looking as if she fell off the wagon right before it ran over her. After the item ran, her father, Aaron Braunstein, emailed Gawker to speak with us, but when we responded that we were available, he never wrote back and we moved on with our day. But it would seem that Braunstein opted to talk to Lloyd Grove instead:

• These are Nicole Kidman's last moments as a single woman — she and Keith Urban will marry tomorrow in Sydney. Should things go by the wayside, Urban will get just $600K for every year of their marriage and not a single penny if he goes back to blowing rails. [Page Six]
• Speaking of powdering one's nose, producer Dallas Austin is currently in a Dubai prison for trying to smuggle drugs into the country. The occasion? Naomi Campbell's birthday party, of course. And she was pissed when he didn't make it. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Being famous is hard for Anderson Cooper — people offer him free stuff and know his name and ride in his car and want to be his friend. Poor Anderson. (Jesus, listen to us: are we headed towards a backlash? No, no. Just a rough spot, that's all.) [Lowdown]
• A paparazzo sketching around Maddox Jolie's daycare center is arrested for trespassing, though he didn't jump any fences or set foot on the center's grounds. He was just innocently, legally stalking. [TMZ]
• Drag queen Kevin Aviance, whose jaw was wired shut after he was beaten in a hate crime, will have his mouth set free for one day so that he can perform for Sunday's gay pride parade. Let's hope he sings his hit song "Cunty," if only so we can see how the Times covers it. [Page Six]
• American Idol runner-up Katharine McPhee will not let you forget about her, even if that means she has to pull the bulimia card. [People]
• Just in time for the premiere of Superman Returns, Kate Bosworth nears death. [Popsugar]
• Finally, thank God, the Coreys reunite — we're praying for License to Drive 2. They owe it to us, really. [E!]

• Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz may be completely done, though the couple is reportedly keeping the news under wraps. Better to let the press focus on Diaz's rumored nose job, right? [Janet Charlton]
• Stanley Tucci repeatedly elbows and smacks Anne Hathaway's breasts, explaining that he can't help it because she's "flinging those melons around like it's harvest season." Sexual harrassers in offices everywhere now have a new defense. [Page Six]
• Is Meredith Vieira stealing humorous small talk from, of all pathetic things, Pepper Dennis plotlines? [Lowdown (3rd item)]
• Director Robert Altman would like to introduce you to his friend, Bongjohn Silver. [R&M]
• Crisis abroad: Courtney Love to appear in West End "classic." [Fox411]
• Phil Collins is doing WCBS anchor Dana Tyler. Why do we care? Because if we can't get "Su Su Sudio" out of our heads, then you're going to suffer with us. [Page Six]