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• Billionaire financier Jeffrey Epstein — who, with Mort Zuckerman, helped fund the baby steps of Radar 2.0 — just wants to be happy. Thus he hired a certified prostisseuse to come over work the knots out of his back and give him a happy ending. Now he's been indicted for soliciting a hooker and is charged with a third-degree felony. No word on whether or not he ever got that handjob. [Page Six]
• In an impressive psychological twist, Colin Farrell's stalker Dessarae Bradford holds a press conference on the steps of the LA federal courthouse and accuses the actor of stalking her. Crazy bitch is good. [Lowdown (last item)]
• Christopher Hitchens writes for Maxim, tells youth of America to go bareback. [Page Six]
• Tara Reid is told by her agent that she's landed the lead in Senior Skip Day and, to ensure her career's revival, she'll be starring opposite Robert De Niro. Unfortunately, De Niro's people insist he's in no way involved in the project. As for Reid's agent: cruel, but hilarious. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Gay everywhere throw tantrums as Nic Cage signs on to play Liberace. The role's really too subtle for him. [TMZ]
• Pete Doherty schedules another five-minute stint in rehab. [E!]