Before he walked into a Binghamton immigration center and shot 13 people to death last Friday, Jiverly Wong sent a letter to a Syracuse TV station, explaining his motives. He is a courteous, crazy man.

It turns out that, prior to being arrested at a bar brawl and maybe snorting coke on camera, Ashley Biden was busted for drinking before she was 21. Just like Jenna Bush!

Spencer Morgan's weekly Observer profile of an annoying and wealthy young man today is about "Greek shipping heir–slash–journalist Taki Theodoracopulos," about whom we learn the following things:

A few months ago two Fashion Institute of Technology students were arrested for dealing coke, and they laughed about it, and were subsequently crucified in the tabloids. Now they're blaming hardworking, cock-referencing undercover police!

Everyone's a critic. Queen of the South, a movie about the world of Mexico's drug-running gangsters, has been dropped over fears of retribution by criminals who object to their cinematic portrayal

Someone tried to sell a videotape they claimed showed Ashley Biden, daughter of VP Joe Biden, to the New York Post for $250,000. Political payback, or just another tale of politicians' kids gone wild?

The final episode of D.L. Hughley's short-lived CNN show airs Saturday, but it's being censored because Hughley speaks the truth and The Man won't let him get high on TV which would be so cool.

Rarely are the experiences of athletes a lesson to those of us who tend to restrict their cardio to carrying a bag of groceries up one flight of stairs. But it turns out that the consumption of caffeine before competing in various sports like running, rowing, and swimming measurably enhances performance—which means that it's worth drinking coffee before going to the gym or getting on the treadmill, or indeed any half-assed attempt to burn calories. Caffeine not only increases the power output of muscles, say researchers, but also "affects the brain's sensation of exhaustion." And if you swallow enough, it provides hallucinations and communication with the other side, which would really liven up a dull workout!

It turns out that the Silver Hill rehab facility in New Canaan, Connecticut is ideally located for its new glut of customers: local residents whose Wall Street careers flourished due to personal qualities—being risk-prone and adrenalin-seeking with a deluded sense of invincibility and a work hard/play hard attitude—that have led them down the path of drug addiction and alcoholism now that times are hellishly stressful.

Private things you'll discuss publicly today: a ratlike fashion editor, a cokey former tabloid editor, a star's cheating husband, a gay TV icon who likes pee, and an OCD celeb:

America faces many problems today, but none is as pressing as the epidemic of our children smokin' Smarties. Yes, the media are scaremongering. But are they scaremongering enough?

We suspected it; you prayed for it (especially you, hippie); now it has actually happened: the US government is no longer coming after your "medical" marijuana. Dude:

The latest profession to experience a boom due to the recession: drug counselors! The Center for Motivation and Change in Midtown has expanded its staff of psychologists to deal with a surge in patients, while at the Realization Center, a rehab outpatient clinic near Union Square, evening group meetings "could be mistaken for Wall Street board meetings," since they're full of laid-off professionals who fear the stress of unemployment will send them back to an old drug or alcohol habit, and bankers who can no longer finance their coke addictions. So if you're a struggling dealer wondering where all your rich customers are hanging out these days, well, now you know.

The swimming fella Michael Phelps was on the Today show this morning talking about his BONG SCANDAL, now that everyone has stopped caring. He's not saying what he did but he won't do it again*.

Good news: we have a drug czar! Bad news: his kid uses drugs, like everyone's kid. It's just like some movie!

Ha, the University of Chicago's newspaper dug up a 1982 column by NYT bobo David Brooks. It's about his nightmares. He had an intense fear of gargoyles, zombies, and totally weird wallpaper:

I'm truly disappointed that after all this time, Phish Phans still cannot successfully conceal their stash. Cops confiscated $1.2 million in various drugs at three Phish shows in Virginia last weekend. Hide it, hippies!

Hope you weren't relying on the T.G.I. Friday's in the financial district to feed your drug habit. The restaurant was shut down on Friday night after an investigation by the NYPD revealed that a drug dealer had set up shop at the bar where he dispensed goodies to Wall Street traders, brokers and bankers who "liked to spend their nights getting high after the market spent the day going low." Most disconcerting, though, is the revelation that up until he was arrested on Friday, the dealer enjoyed a perk that many bankers have had to do without in recent months: "He would dress up in a natty business suit as if he were a finance man himself—and even took a black, executive-style livery cab home each night." And he probably didn't even have to wait until 10pm either. [NYP]

We cannot imagine why, but Paris authorities decided, of all the weeks in the year, to pick Fashion Week for a series of drug raids! Even more surprising, the chief executive of Elite Models' parent company Elite World, Bertrand Hennet, has been arrested for buying, possessing, and transporting cocaine. Police said that the 35-year-old "openly admitted that he had just bought £120 worth of cocaine, but consumed it before we got to him." The true mark of a dedicated junkie: When police are hammering at the door, don't throw your stash down the toilet, just snort it as quickly as possible!