"I think he feels like people don't take him seriously," a friend tells Page Six Magazine about Facebook billionaire Sean Parker. "People often think of him as being like the character…in the movie [The Social Network]." I wonder why! Possibly it's the expensive, drug-fueled parties. Or maybe it's the way he holds paranoid grudges over nightclub slights?

HIV levels! Generic Lipitor! Arsenic grandmothers! Low B12! Stressed parents! Hospital food! Fire surgery! Foster drugs! And Europeans are a bunch of nasty motherfuckers! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—to death!

There are a lot of parenting books out there, but not all of them answer the very pertinent question, "Is it okay to hotbox my car with my two-year-old son in the backseat?" So allow us to answer: No. No, it is not okay.

Patrick J. Sullivan Jr. was the beloved Republican sheriff of Arapahoe County, Colo., for nearly 20 years before he retired in 2002. In 2001, he was named national Sheriff of the Year. Yesterday he was arrested by the department he used to run for offering a man meth in exchange for sex.

Bob Simon profiled Angelina Jolie on tonight's 60 Minutes. In addition to stating that she once dreamed of being a funeral director, Jolie also shared that—given her past transgressions—she's surprised to still be alive: "People can imagine that I did the most dangerous, and I did the worst, and for many reasons, I shouldn't be here."

In the 1980s, 88-year-old California dreamer Bob Wallace invented Polar Pure: a plastic bottle that contains crystallized iodine at the bottom to purify water. Flood victims and campers love the things, but so do meth cooks (an outcome that Wallace probably should have anticipated).

Acupuncture kids! Stem cells! Text bullies! Boundary effect! Pig drugs! Tainted jerky! Elderly pain! Light brains! And the super Greek diet that will save us all! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—pointedly!

A new study indicates that young children with high IQs are significantly more likely to have done illegal drugs later in life, even when controlling for other factors. So you finally have a comeback when your dad says Why do you think they call it dope?!

It's getting to be that time of the year, folks! You know what I'm talking about: that time of the year when love and peace fill the atmosphere, the scent of pine and eggnog permeates the air, and 44-year-old men, high on bath salts, walk into your home and put up your Christmas decorations.

Sex talk! Chewing tobacco! Cholesterol drugs! Womb psychology! Weight coaching! Baby abdomen! Kiwi heart! Medication erection! And hearing loss, say what? Haha. It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—age-appropriately!

Colorado cowboy hat-wearer David Scott says his stepbrother became addicted to meth after smoking it from one of those glass pipes with the crazy psychedelic swirls in them. So he recently smashed a bunch of similar pipes to take a stand and protest how such pipes "are ruining people's lives."

Mexican Secretary of the Interior Francisco Blake Mora was among eight officials killed in a helicopter crash on the way to a meeting. The crash appears to be weather related, though some are speculating about foul play.

Barrett Brown, the face of Anonymous, made CNN last week with bold taunts of the Mexican drug cartel Los Zetas. Now he's booking it north. Probably a good idea, judging from the gruesome news out of Mexico.

Sodium diet! Obesity drug! Autism brain! Sickness debt! Exercise aging! Digestion difficulty! Drug sex! Fruit interactions! And a stern reminder to never trust those "doctors!" It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with malice!

Darren Aronofsky, director of feature-length anti-drug PSA Requiem for a Dream, is finally focusing his creative energy on that which he was born to do: Terrorizing children in 30-second increments, with the goal of discouraging drug use.

A comprehensive new national study says that white kids are way more likely to be druggies than either black kids or Asian kids, but the biggest druggies of all are Native American kids. Specifically:

Drug approval! Earthquake danger! Child risks! Ending aging! Cancer marathon! Texas therapy! Pneumonia vaccination! Robot walking! And a whole new way of looking at regulation! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with a heavy heart!

Paul Parisi, a prisoner at Stateville Correctional Center in Illinois, suffers from fibroneuroma—a disease that causes benign tumors to form on his nerve cells. When Parisi's illness started causing him severe pains, he asked his (taxpayer-subsidized) prison doctors to treat him. So they gave him some (free) aspirin and ibuprofen, the end.

Justice gets at least one positive bit of justice news this week: the Fair Sentencing Act of 2010 went into effect yesterday, bringing the huge disparities in sentencing for powder cocaine vs. crack cocaine somewhat closer to sane levels. According to the NYT, there was previously a 100 to one disparity between the amounts of powder and the amount of crack that would draw equal sentences; now, it's 18 to one. Yeah, that's... somewhat less terrible. U.S. lawmakers truly are beacons of fairness.

You might want to sit down for this. Are you sitting down? Okay: an officer in the employ of the New York Police Department was convicted today of planting crack cocaine on two innocent people. Not only that—it's apparently only one episode in a "widespread culture of corruption endemic in [NYPD] drug units." I know. I know! My jaw dropped too!