drugs

Sleep Alone, Mess Up Your Baby

Hamilton Nolan · 11/01/11 04:25PM

Freshman 15! Conjoined twins! Breast milk! Wino diet! Lonely sleepers! Yoga pain! Soda targeting! Cold flu! And some health facts just aren't funny! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—supportively!

Catholic University Still Full of Sex, Sex, Sex

Hamilton Nolan · 10/31/11 10:11AM

Earlier this year, Catholic University president John Garvey vowed to get rid of co-ed dorms, lest his school further descend into the depths of liquor-soaked "nun and priest"-themed heterosexual orgies. Is mere sexxxual segregation enough to tame the devilish sexxx hormones of sexxxy young sexxx-crazed students at the very peak of their sexxxuality?

Before Roasting That Raccoon, Think About Your Brother

Lauri Apple · 10/29/11 04:36PM

All Adam Eubank's brother wanted to do was barbecue a raccoon. He did not intend to get anyone into trouble. But police heard about the raccoon-meal preparations—which took place out in the open, behind their apartment building—and found some buckets of "an unknown material" related to meth-making on the premises. And so the night was ruined.

This Bracelet Will Get Your Kid High Someday

Lauri Apple · 10/29/11 02:31PM

Have you ever seen this kind of woven bracelet before? Supposedly all the kids are wearing these things now—errrrr, I mean, planning on wearing them, soon, very soon, like any day now. It's so they can smoke their weed and get high, to spite you!

Starbucks Now Offering Oxycontin Spice Lattes

Seth Abramovitch · 10/26/11 09:46PM

As the Starbucks menu continues to grow and diversify, one item that millions of Americans crave even harder than bucket-sized portions of caffeine — prescription opioids — still remains frustratingly out of reach. Unless, that is, you happened to stop into a Starbucks where one Dr. Feelgood was allegedly doling out OxyContin, Vicodin, Xanax, Adderall and Suboxone to customers he barely knew.

Does Occupy Wall Street Have a Drug Problem?

TheFix.com · 10/25/11 05:49PM

Thirty-eight days since the Occupy Wall Street movement first took over Lower Manhattan's Liberty Plaza, the movement has caught fire and spread to more than 100 cities nationwide and beyond. Polls show that close to 60% of Americans approve of the protests.

87-Year-Old Man Busted with a Shit Ton of Cocaine

Brian Moylan · 10/25/11 02:08PM

Shit ton isn't a scientific measure, but it can be used to describe the 104 bricks of coke that Leo Sharp, an 87-year-old Indiana resident, was busted with in Michigan. This is like a real life Breaking Bad.

Oh, Weed Spots Don't Actually Reduce Crime

Hamilton Nolan · 10/25/11 08:18AM

What if I told you that having a medical marijuana dispensary near you could actually reduce crime in your neighborhood? You'd probably be like "duuuude," or some other stereotypically "stoner" thing, because your "glaucoma treatment" has been particularly good lately. Well, snap out of it, man: I'm here to tell you that a medical marijuana dispensary does not reduce crime in your neighborhood after all!

World's Leading Trump-Channeler Did Crack Just to Cope

Seth Abramovitch · 10/23/11 11:27PM

Darrell Hammond — the seemingly mild-mannered Saturday Night Live impressionist — says in his autobiography, God, If You're Not Up There, I'm F*cked, that he had to down whole bottles of cognac backstage to "[calm] my nerves and [quiet] the disturbing images that sprang into my head." When that failed to work, he would cut himself. Some of the gashes were huge.

Never Have Kids, If You Value Your Health

Hamilton Nolan · 10/17/11 04:30PM

Candy medicine! Preemie autism! Medical marijuana! Shy teens! Sick Americans! Aggressive kids! Down's fetus! Coyote cloning! And kids these days can't seem to do a god damn thing healthily! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—nurturingly!

Snoop Dogg is Obsessed with the World's Largest Turnip

Seth Abramovitch · 10/13/11 11:15PM

Here we have a perfectly rational, not-at-all-insane news report, introduced by a sober anchor, about how Snoop Dogg reached out to a Welshman named Ian Neale, whom he'd stumbled upon on YouTube discussing a noteworthy accomplishment: Neale grew the world's largest rutabaga, or "swede" as they are known in the U.K. — short for Swedish turnip.

Feds Crack Down on California Weed Huts

Seth Abramovitch · 10/06/11 07:47PM

A federal government crackdown has issued shutdown notices to 16 California marijuana dispensaries — part of a larger effort by the Obama administration to curb the fast-spreading weed trade, which now makes finding some indica easier than a Venti latte.

Scientists Want to Blow Your High Forever

Hamilton Nolan · 10/04/11 04:11PM

Addiction vaccine! HIV contraceptive! Lazy walkers! Alien snails! Autism therapy! Pregnancy diet! Drunk driving! Sun vitamins! And Alzheimer's is already creeping into you, right now! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—strenuously!