Mitt Romney is a good Mormon, a model member really, who does not drink alcohol or coffee or smoke tobacco. Sorry, let me fix that: Mitt Romney was a good Mormon, or at least considerd such, until today. He's come clean and admitted that he has, in fact, imbibed death juice and — dare we say it? — puffed a death puffer. Another flip-flop, and one that could land him an eternity on whatever distant sulfuric planet it is (Delaware?) that they keep Mormon Hell on these days.

Uhhhhhh. Ugggghhhh. Ummmmmmfffff. Dude we were like... what time is it? Fuck. Morning in America already?

Earlier this year, Catholic University president John Garvey vowed to get rid of co-ed dorms, lest his school further descend into the depths of liquor-soaked "nun and priest"-themed heterosexual orgies. Is mere sexxxual segregation enough to tame the devilish sexxx hormones of sexxxy young sexxx-crazed students at the very peak of their sexxxuality?

Good news! Drunk driving is down 30% over the last five years. Bad news! It's probably because we're all too broke to leave the house. Instead of wasting precious fuel to drive to bars and pay $4 for Bud Light, we're staying home with the lights off, drinking homemade prune wine, and sniffing kerosene. Apparently the way you'll know the economy is moving again is when you get T-Boned by a black-out drunk in a '70s Pontiac.

Addiction vaccine! HIV contraceptive! Lazy walkers! Alien snails! Autism therapy! Pregnancy diet! Drunk driving! Sun vitamins! And Alzheimer's is already creeping into you, right now! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—strenuously!

You know how Google has that cool Google Trends viewer thing, which lets you see the number of searches people do for different terms over time? Twitter has its own now, thanks to a few researchers.

From morning booze at Starbucks to drive-thru booze at Sonic to just being a sad guy drinking booze at Burger King, we are living in a Golden Age of "being able to buy booze at fast food joints rather than being forced to buy booze at the gas station across the street and sneak it into the fast food place in a Big Gulp cup." But will this Golden Age persist?

Drinky ladies! Fewer smokers! Cheaper hospitals! Zombie mutants! Frozen athletes! Gay health! Cancer survivors! Pregnant painkillers! And you don't need no blood thinner girl, you look fine! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—relatively painlessly!

Nonalcoholic beer has long been the beverage of choice for everyone from delusional recovering alcoholics to people too drunk to notice they accidentally bought nonalcoholic beer. Shouldn't you be drinking more nonalcoholic beer, if you know what we mean?

Everybody say hello to Dale McDaniel, your new favorite Floridian! He's 52, has been arrested at least 34 times, allegedly shouts obscenities at people and pisses in his trash-strewn yard, drinks pretty much constantly, and has left an indelible impression upon his neighbors, many of whom say they fear him.

A 34-year-old Florida mom has been charged with child neglect after allegedly leaving her five-year-old—who still requires use of a stroller, for some reason?—to wait outside a Daytona Beach bar called Crooks Den "for 20 minutes" while she drank beers inside.

With statewide unemployment at 8.8% and a withering manufacturing base, the good men and women charged with conducting the People's Business in the Ohio Statehouse are doing what any right-thinking statesman would: Considering the installation of a bar in the state capitol, for drinking.

The city council in Sheboygan, Wisconsin wants to remove the mayor from office because he's a self-proclaimed alcoholic who recently went on a three-day bender during which he got into a fight and passed out at some schlubby tavern that, from pictures, looks just like how stale Cheese Doodles smell.

Today we heard the obvious fact that Americans be drinkin'. Oh how we be drinkin'. But are we all binge drinkers? That definition seems a little stringent, says one commenter.

Look to your left. Look to your right. Both of those people are in jail. And so are you, because of something you did while drunk. This is because so many people are binge drinking now, I bet.

It's never a good idea to drink and drive. But it's especially not a good idea when you are driving to the police station. To pick up your daughter's dog. After she was arrested for a DUI.

Football brain! Marijuana narcs! Mosquito booze! Grandparents driving! Children sleeping! Teens drinking! Pediatricians lecturing! Big forks! And killer homemade drinks that kill! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—no-nonsensically!

As if it weren't enough to ruin driving, drunks have now ruined puppies. DNAInfo reports on the West Village's drunk puppy buying epidemic:

Our nation's fast food outlets are all in that "teenage phase" right now, in which they all try to "find themselves" by trying on various new identities. Denny's is a "diner. Panera is a hippie haven. Everywhere else is now a "cafe." The only thing that our nation's fast food outlets can all agree on: they need more drunk people on their premises.

Police have released the findings from their investigation into the violent, fiery death by car crash of Jackass star Ryan Dunn and passenger Zachary Hartwell: Dunn, who was driving, had a blood alcohol content was 0.196, more than double Pennsylvania's legal limit of 0.08. His Porsche was traveling between 132 and 140MPH at the time of the crash. [TMZ, image via Getty]