doom

Hamilton Nolan · 01/29/14 11:13AM

Officials say 17 towns in California could run out of water in the next 2-4 months, thanks to endless drought. Does it seem like the weather's been kind of... I don't know... extreme lately? Maybe it's just our imaginations.

Hamilton Nolan · 12/18/13 12:46PM

The scientific consensus about what will happen to billions of humans over the next century as climate change intensifies: "We'll die."

The Disastrous, Watery Future of South Florida

Hamilton Nolan · 11/11/13 11:08AM

Barring a huge public works project the likes of which the world has never seen, south Florida is doomed. Its end will come not from Bugs Bunny wielding a saw, but from the gentle lapping of waves higher and higher upon the shore. Three points to ponder:

Bubble Watch: Professional Doomsayer Edition

Hamilton Nolan · 09/20/13 01:08PM

As sure as we know the economy is going up, we know that the economy shall also, sooner or later, come back down. Whence shall the next poisonous economic tumor begin? Today we turn our alert gaze to the predictions of a dude who should know.

Hamilton Nolan · 09/19/13 04:00PM

Scientists say the Earth will be habitable for at least another 1.75 billion years, though you will be dead in less than 0.000004286% of that time.

Endless Bummer: Hellfire Season Burns Forever

Ken Layne · 08/26/13 12:13PM

Up in the High Sierra of Yosemite National Park today, a monstrous wildfire is racing through 200 square miles of dense piney forest. The "Rim Fire" is only one of about fifty major wildfires across the American West today, but everyone has at least heard of the majestic Yosemite Valley with its glacier-carved Half Dome and summer traffic jams of vacationers seeking waterfalls and hamburgers, so this is our official Natural Disaster of the week.

Global Environmental Apocalypse Proceeding Right on Schedule

Hamilton Nolan · 08/07/13 08:40AM

With all the talk these days of a "global warming crisis" and "looming planetary disaster," it may sometimes be hard to know what to think. Relax: our global warming crisis and looming planetary disaster are going exactly as scheduled.

This Drought Will Not End Until The West Evaporates

Hamilton Nolan · 08/06/13 08:29AM

One year ago, America had bigger things to worry about than A-Rod's pharmaceutical regimen and the latest tripe from Beyonce: a huge, well-deserved drought covering the majority of the country. What has the new summer brought us? More drought. And now we must suffer for our sins.

Anyone Got Any Good Ideas for Barnes & Noble?

Hamilton Nolan · 07/10/13 10:48AM

William Lynch, the CEO of Barnes & Noble, resigned this week after less than two years on the job, having failed to turn around the earnings of the Last Remaining Book Store by selling color tablets. So, uh... anybody have any other ideas? For making money?

Hamilton Nolan · 06/20/13 02:43PM

Thanks to fear of the Fed's upcoming actions and some trouble in China's credit markets, the stock market is down more than 350 points today, and the value of gold is plunging. Please put your fearful predictions and paranoid speculation in the comment section below.

Middle Eastern Terror Virus is Worse than SARS

Hamilton Nolan · 06/20/13 08:40AM

What is the backwards and uncivilized Middle East doing now to thank us for our work "stabilizing" their region, with explosives? They are dying from a brand new virus that researchers now say is "deadlier than SARS." How long before you, too, are dead?

Hamilton Nolan · 05/15/13 08:20AM

Accuweather forecasts eight Atlantic hurricanes this season, including three that will hit the U.S. Sounds fun.

Carbon Dioxide Levels Reach Three Million-Year High

Hamilton Nolan · 05/10/13 01:00PM

A jaunty road sign on the path to apocalypse was passed today, as the level of carbon dioxide in our planet's air reached a level last seen long before mankind existed. Take a deep breath. Enjoy that air. Soon, you'll be breathing water.