The contestants on the The Celebrity Apprentice are not the most skilled bunch. First we learn that one of them can't use technology. And now we know that none of them can shoot a basketball as well as the Donald.

[Donald Trump, Eric Trump, Ivanka Trump, and Donald Trump Jr. use Trump scissors to cut the Trump ribbon unveiling the monstrous Trump SoHo on Trump Street in Trump York today. Trump! Image via Getty]

We all know Donald Trump's been having a rough recession. But have things really gotten so bad that even his "rich girl" employees can't afford a few thousand dollars worth of 'ludes?

The Apprentice is looking for horrible people to debase themselves and others on television, and judging by a recent New York City casting call, just the right candidates are showing interest: laid off bankers and Goldman Sachs staffers. [via NYM]

The pompadour-with-legs counts the scandal-plagued golfer as a good friend, and now defends him, saying "I really think that there's tremendous ­pressure you wouldn't understand from the world of golf." Yes, all that pleasant walking. Plus: balls, holes. Y'know. [NYDN]

Lourdes wishes her mom didn't date men young enough to be her brother. A woman named Skittles Valentine tells all about her Jesse James orgy. Khloe Kardashian goes Girls Gone Wild. Thursday's gossip roundup is overexposed.

Now that everyone's been laid off, Donald Trump is going to stop harassing celebrities and use The Apprentice to give normal people jobs again. Well, just one job, and it's with him. And not normal people, famewhores. Same difference. Trump!

Tonight, the new season of The Celebrity Apprentice premiered. Video of the episode's two standout moments—in which Rod Blagojevich was caught in a lie and Donald Trump argued with Cyndi Lauper about how "disgusting" Rosie O'Donnell is—is inside.

It'll be so real, you'll want to reach out the touch Jesus' stigmata. Posthumous John Hughes movie makes the rounds; Miss America's still homeless but Miss USA's safe; Hurt Locker's banned director gives speech. Your daily update on show business.

Donald Trump came down from Trump Tower yesterday to testify in court that Trump Entertainment Resorts needs the Trump name if the Trump casinos will be successful again. Everyone disagrees, but he's holding his name hostage. Trump!

Joe Francis' tax problems: no more. The Giuliani's make their migration nest nice. Brad Pitt's pot policies. The Eternal Sunshine of Tiger Woods' penis doesn't last. People cares about Michael Jackson's kids. Presenting your Valentine's Day Morning Gossip Roundup:

Last night, Jay Leno said goodbye to NBC for the final time the next three weeks, as his failed primetime experiment came to a close. And who better to give him a sendoff than The Donald himself, live via satellite.

• Marc Jacobs says he's totally over having celebrities at his fashion shows because it's boring, and the only reason Lady Gaga and Madonna turned up to his show last year was because Gaga was performing at the after-party and Madonna, well, she just showed up. "She came backstage, and I was like, 'What do you do with her now?' Because it's not like she was invited." Somewhere, Madonna is burning all of her Marc Jacobs clothing. [P6]
• Rumors have been swirling recently that Ben Affleck fell off the wagon recently and is now drinking again. (He checked himself into rehab back in 2001.) On Monday, a bearded Affleck was spotted "cruising aimlessly" at the Chateau Marmont and "looking worse for wear." Uh oh. [NYDN]
• Tiger Woods mistress No. 1, Rachel Uchitel, has scored herself a job. A day after sitting down with Extra's Mario Lopez for an interview and now the show has hired her as its new nightlife correspondent. Just like hooker-turned-sex columnist Ashley Dupre, Uchitel is proving that you can make a big bunch of terrible decisions in life and come out ahead in the end, provided you have no shame and a burning desire to be famous. [P6]

• Alex Rodriguez's plan to bed every woman in Hollywood continues apace. The Yankee and Cameron Diaz are now hooking up, according to OK!, although now that the news is out, he's probably already moved on to someone new. Which is too bad, really, since RodDiaz has a nice ring to it. [OK!]
• Michael Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray, was charged with involuntary manslaughter yesterday. (He pleaded not guilty and faces up to four years behind bars if convicted.) At the arraignment, prosecutors asked that Murray's medical license be revoked, but a judge turned down the request, so if you've been wondering what it's like to get pumped up with propofol, you still have time. [NYP, TMZ]
• It's been a busy week for Angelina Jolie. Yesterday she and Brad Pitt said they plan to sue Britain's News of the World for reporting that they're planning to divorce. And today she's off to Haiti to meet with earthquake victims, since they've been requesting her help—or so she says. [Us, PE]
• She may have spent every episode of Jersey Shore whining about not having a boyfriend, but Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi seems to have landed the man of her dreams: a "typical guido juicehead with a good personality," who also has waxed eyebrows, double-pierced ears, and a penchant for Ed Hardy. [NYDN]
• Despite recent reports that Donald and Melania Trump are having marriage troubles, The Donald says "all is well." Then again he said the same thing when his casinos were going bankrupt and his real estate holdings were imploding, so you may want to take his denial with a grain of salt. [People]

On Monday, the owners of Stuyvesant Town and Peter Cooper Village gave up control of the sprawling apartment complex after defaulting on its loans. (Tishman Speyer and BlackRock paid $5.4 billion for the property at the height of the housing bubble; it's now worth less than half of that.) Now the Post reports a bidding war is breaking out as various real estate companies look to take over control of the complex, and—as if Stuy Town residents haven't suffered enough the past few months—one of the contenders is none other than Donald Trump. [NYP]

• Are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie splitting up? That's what Britain's News of the World reported over the weekend, suggesting the (unmarried) couple has been meeting with their lawyers in LA to divide up their assets. Whether any of this is true or it's just another rumor is unclear. According to a source that spoke with People, "everything is fine" between Jolie and Pitt, and the story of them splitting is "totally false." [NYDN, NYP, TMZ, People]
• The cast of MTV's most popular new show may not be back for another season. The kids from Jersey Shore reportedly turned down an offer which would have paid them each $5,000 per episode. MTV has since doubled its offer and informed them they'll replace the cast if they don't accept. In related news, the cast sparked a "near-riot" on Friday night when fans descended on a club in Montclair, New Jersey, to catch them in person. [TMZ, Us, NYDN]
• Diddy held a 1,000-person birthday party for his son, Justin, on Saturday night. The highlight of the evening—which was taped for an episode of MTV's Super Sweet Sixteen—was when Diddy gave his son what every 16-year-old needs: a $360,000 silver Maybach and a driver to go with it. [P6, NYDN]

Donald Trump and Barbara Walters are Lady Gaga fans? If they were, they may not be after attending last night's concert at Radio City: "When Gaga told the crowd that she wouldn't "go all the way" but would "suck [dick]," Donald and Melania Trump's weirdly smooth faces flashed on the huge screens looking shocked, strained and horrified. Equally not into Gaga's frequent X-rated banter? Barbara Walters who got up and split mid-show, right before Gaga sang her ballad 'Speechless.' Wawa no likey Gaga." [Paper]

The New York Times asked a handful of prominent New Yorkers about what some of the city's "collective objectives" should be for the year ahead, causes that could unite New York in 2010 as we make an effort to "improve, change, and grow." As you probably could have expected, Donald Trump is taking up an issue of critical importance that you probably haven't given much thought to. Well, up until now, that is.

A reader asks: "Why does Melania Trump look so unhappy all the time?" Good question! We'd never really noticed it before, but Donald Trump's third wife (and the mother of his fifth child) does look pretty miserable in most photos. Maybe this is to be expected when you realize that despite the lavish lifestyle you lead and all the material possessions you've accumulated, you're still married to Donald Trump? An attempt by the Slovenian-born ex-model to look sexy? We have no clue, but some photographic evidence of Melania's misery is below. And if you have something you'd like us to look into, feel free to let us know.

• Tiger Woods' mistress tally is quickly approaching the double digits. Jamie Jungers, a Las Vegas model, says she had a two-year affair with Woods; then there's Cori Rist, an aspiring model, who says she started seeing Woods after meeting him at Butter. To top it all off, porn star Holly Sampson has also been mentioned as a woman Woods was involved with, although she's yet to confirm or deny the report. Meanwhile, Queen Oprah thoughtfully reached out to Tiger over the weekend and offered him the opportunity to tell his side of the story, and that may be his best chance yet of somehow saving his rep at this point. [NYDN, E! NYDN]
• Alexa Joel, the daughter of Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley, is recovering at home after what seems to have been a suicide attempt on Saturday. Joel took a bunch of homeopathic sleeping pills—possibly because she was upset over a break-up—and then called 911 herself. [NYP, NYDN, NYP]