Pretend presidential candidate Donald Trump released his "birth certificate" yesterday, and by the end of the day, it was proven to be a fake.

Pretend presidential candidate Donald Trump released his "birth certificate" to wingnut rag Newsmax today to prove that he's an American citizen, unlike Barack Obama. That was nice of him. But where's the real birth certificate? Because this... this thing, this piece of paper with bullshit scribbled all over it, is simply not a birth certificate. Just look at it. This is definitely not a legitimate birth certificate. If it were real, it would be real. Where's the birth certificate, Trump?

Donald Trump went on The View this morning to spread his birther nonsense and talk about potentially running for president in 2012. When Barbara Walters pushed for an answer of whether or not he could win he says, "I definitely think I could beat Obama." Really, Donald? Really?

The last time Lewis Black went to the polls it "was 1984 and that was a write-in for the California Raisins." But he's excited for 2012 because he believes Trump has the balls to be what this country needs: a dictator.

Well, there you have it: Donald Trump says he "screwed" Muammar Qaddafi, in the sack. This is, so far, his greatest qualification in his fake run for the Republican presidential nomination. Oh wait, he just meant he "screwed" Qaddafi in real estate, not via actual sex.

Donald Trump is still a couple of months from his self-imposed deadline — during sweeps week — on making a presidential candidacy decision. So let's keep humoring him! Today, he pretended to be a birther.

Jersey Shore jackanape The Situation was resoundingly booed at Comedy Central's roast of Donald Trump. However, most of his jokes were too tasteless and lousy to make it to air. What ended up on the cutting room floor?

Guess what! The Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump aired tonight. Among the roasters was Jersey Shore star The Situation, who just completely, totally, utterly bombed. How bad was he? The crowd almost didn't let him finish—seriously!

you ever have a sense of déjà vu when watching reality TV? Like when a show comes back from commercial and you're like, "Wait a minute. Didn't I just see that?" Yeah, you probably did, and it's annoying as all hell. Why must reality producers treat us like imbeciles?

• At the Nerd BBQ fest South by Southwest, some guy tried to take Jake Gyllenhaal's picture at the premier of his nerd thriller Source Code… while he was in the bathroom peeing. Ew, guy! Jake confronted the guy, who eventually deleted it. And of course, it being South By Southwest, the whole ordeal was live-tweeted: Wrote one guy: "Gyllenhaal apparently grabbed the dude mid-photo, threw him against the wall and was like, ‘are we really gonna do this right now?'" Clearly, Jake needs to take a lesson in transparency from James Franco, just tweets pictures of his (maybe) penis before anyone else has a chance to. [HollywoodNews]

How dead is Soviet-style communism? This dead:

Donald Trump's main man Michael Cohen is headed to Iowa next week, which means Donald Trump wants to stay in the spotlight. "I'll be gauging the reception I feel he would have when he comes to Iowa," Cohen told the AP.

Last night on Letterman, Donald Trump offered his opinion on Charlie Sheen, hedging his bets that the troubled star would soon land another TV deal even more lucrative than his Two and a Half Men paycheck. Letterman doesn't seem convinced.

From his promises to fix the country as the next President of the United States to his claims that Charlie Sheen's "not doing so badly" this morning—one could assume that The Donald just might be losing his touch.

On Regis and Kelly this morning, The Donald discussed the serious possibility of running for President in order to "fix this great country" of ours. And what better way to garner votes than by using scare tactics?

Professional television entertainer Donald Trump got a little boost for his pretend presidential prospects the other day, when a poll came out showing him within two percentage points of Barack Obama in a hypothetical presidential matchup. He proudly, and immediately, flapped his gums about this in the YouTube clip above. Maybe we underestimated him and his ability to enchant dumb America by firing people in a cardboard corporate boardroom for all these terrible, terrible years. Maybe he should be our greatest next president after all.

Baseball's laughing stock, the New York Mets, could be sold from dick to another after The Donald said he'd like to buy the team from Bernie Madoff's pal, Fred Wilpon and his family. Great fit.

Republican tribal god Rep. Ron Paul hit the television circuit this morning to celebrate his big straw poll win at this weekend's insane Conservative Political Action Conference. How does Paul feel now, knowing that Republican voters want him to be president, at least according to this straw poll for which he bused in hundreds of supporters? He's flattered as always. Such a humble man, that Doctor Congressman Ron Paul.

China has officially surpassed Japan as the world's second biggest economy, according to GDP figures released today. Only Donald Trump can save us now.

The first day of this year's all-important Conservative Political Action Conference, a summit for top Republican politicians and operatives heading into a presidential election cycle, wasn't dominated by Newt Gingrich or Tim Pawlenty or any other actual Republican politician. It was Donald Trump, the wealthy television clown, who stole the show with the blunt, meandering speech he'd invited himself to deliver at the last minute.