Donald Trump wants to be the next president of the United States. As with matters of such magnitude, it is important to understand where a candidate stands on critical issues, such as immigration, healthcare, domestic surveillance, marriage equality, abortion, and black people, who account for 13 percent of America’s population.

The Federal Election Commission Wednesday released the 92-page personal financial disclosure of one Donald J. Trump, a $4 billion puddle of tinted moisturizer haphazardly garnished with hair and eyebrows who wants to be the next president. The Trump-puddle, who oozed slowly down an escalator last month and (inaccurately) declared he was worth $8.7 billion, has increased his claim by more than a billion since then.

Have you ever wanted to shoot the shit with sentient mint julep and South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham? Probably not—he’s awful! But just in case you want to give him a piece of your mind, ever-worse-human and godsend to the Republican primaries Donald Trump just read off his phone number in public.

During a performance in Phoenix on Saturday, former George Lopez star George Lopez lead the audience in a concise, profane chant against presidential candidate and Wonka Factory escapee Donald Trump.

AMES, IOWA—Abortion. Abominable gays. And god’s abiding dislike of the current Democratic administration. Hey 90s kids: remember 1996? Remember the Culture Wars? They’re back.

In an appearance on the Rita Cosby WABC radio show, serious Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said, “I’m not going to Mexico. And I don’t think anybody from this country [should],” according to the New York Post. “I think we should boycott Mexico, frankly.”

Running for president doesn’t have to be this hard: Today Donald Trump posted a campaign poster of sorts to Twitter. It features a stylized graphic of the American flag overlaid across Trump’s face, the hashtag #MakeAmericaGreatAgain, a plea to “put the U.S. back into business!” aaaaaaand a stock image of what appears to be war reenactors wearing replica Nazi uniforms.

Donald Trump, whose overarching personal and political strategy is to make everything about him, is making the prison escape of Mexican cartel boss Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman about him. Trump has alerted the FBI about death threats that El Chapo’s son allegedly made against him on Twitter, TMZ learned from a source very close to Donald Trump (Donald Trump).

After his 22-year tenure as the host the Late Show, there was almost nothing that could bring David Letterman out of his well-deserved retirement. Except for, apparently, former The Apprentice host and current dried apricot Donald Trump.

Speaking with NBC News this week, presidential candidate and open-faced quesadilla Donald Trump defended his recent, racist comments about Mexican immigrants, saying “there’s nothing to apologize for” and even claiming, remarkably, that he would win the Latino vote in 2016.

According to Donald Trump, idiot billionaire and face of YouTube’s popular Annoying Orange, Mexican immigrants who come to the U.S. illegally “have lots of problems” and they’re “bringing those problems to us.” He has publicly claimed that the only things undocumented immigrants have to offer the U.S. are drugs and rape, but privately Trump knows better: they can also construct shiny new hotels, like the one they’re building for Trump in Washington, D.C.

In an interview Saturday with Fox News, Donald Trump expressed surprise that there has been such an extreme backlash to his assertion that Mexican immigrants are criminals and rapists. “I knew it was going to be bad,” Trump said. “I didn’t know it was going to be quite this severe.”

Today, Honduran-American actor America Ferrera expressed her gratitude to Asshole-American Donald Trump in the form of an open letter, thanking the odious toilet-man for “igniting a fire” in the Latino community with his recent, incredibly racist comments about Mexican immigrants.

Citing “American tradition” (which may or may be an oblique reference to money—who’s to say?) the cable channel Reelz announced Thursday that it will broadcast the Miss USA pageant after both NBC and Univision dropped the show in the wake of Donald Trump’s latest idiot statements.

Noted asshole Donald Trump recently made asshole history, giving a goddamn presidential campaign announcement so racist that the network responsible for Outsourced was uncomfortable remaining associated with him.

Speaking to America’s other self-appointed rape expert named Don on Wednesday, Donald Trump doubled down on his assertion that immigrants from Mexico are mostly rapists, citing an irrelevant article before confidently declaring, “Somebody’s doing the raping.”

According to The Hollywood Reporter, Miss USA owner and shrunken apple head Donald Trump has filed a $500 million lawsuit against Univision, accusing the network of breach of contract, defamation and—in a compulsory bit of Trumpian weirdness—trying to suppress his right to free speech.

Donald Trump just got himself fired from NBC for being the big racist moron everyone always knew he could be.

On Saturday afternoon, a fire could be seen raging in The Avery, a high-rise building on the Upper West Side, near Riverside Boulevard. NBC News reports that one person was injured, and the fire has been contained.

After Univision ended its relationship with “verbal billionaire” and permanently open mouth Donald Trump’s Miss Universe Organization this week over Trump’s stance against Mexican immigration, the Donald fired back with an angry letter stating that oh yeah well you guys aren’t allowed on my golf course anymore. So there.