After a loss that would have been infinitely more enjoyable (for us) if it had been at the hands of anyone but Ted Cruz, imminent President Donald Trump finally got to give his very first victory speech with 34 percent of the vote. And it was pretty much exactly what you’d expect.
According a CBS exit poll, a vast majority of Republican New Hampshire voters support at least a *temporary* blanket ban on all Muslim immigrants. Which is to say, a vast majority of New Hampshire Republicans are pretty racist and probably voting Trump.
Katrina Pierson, a woman paid by Donald Trump to make himself seem wise and composed by comparison, appeared on CNN to defend her employer saying “pussy” into a microphone on the campaign trail. Her reasoning is unimpeachable.
Major #drama between sad man Jeb Bush and off-brand Dr. Seuss villain Donald Trump! The pair have been feuding relentlessly since the start of the 2016 election, and now Jeb says Trump is a loser, a liar, AND a whiner. And we’ll tell you what Barbara Bush has to say about all of this—nothing. She could not possibly care less.
PLYMOUTH, NEW HAMPSHIRE—Inside of Donald Trump’s rally on Sunday in northern New Hampshire, the press stayed inside of a tiny prison, where they were safe. Surrounding them: haters.
More like loser bowl. Too soft and boring—hard to watch. Terrible for ratings. Not like DONALD TRUMP!
In what we can only hope was a sign of what’s to come, the ABC GOP debate kicked off with the most bizarre candidate walk-out any of us will likely ever see. Ben Carson appeared to refuse to go on stage, the moderators literally forgot about John Kasich, and both Carson and Trump had to eventually be begged before finally shuffling out from the shadows. This candidate clusterfuck alone almost makes the entire, terrible election worth it.
Last night, failed mail-order meat salesman Donald Trump decided that, tonight, he’d like to sleep in his own bed. Spotting an opportunity to strike, our great Lord above—the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the original mail-order meat salesman in a way, if you think about it—decided to pull some pranks. And now, Trump is fucked.
In a tweet that existed only briefly, like a soap bubble in a toilet bowl, Donald Trump just accused Ted Cruise of illegally winning the Iowa caucus, which is to say Ted Cruz broke the law.
Everything was all good a few days ago. Donald Trump was coasting in the Iowa polls even after ditching the state’s final debate as the latest maneuver in his petty one-sided feud with Fox’s Megyn Kelly. But then it all came crumbling down.
This morning, the smart money had it that Donald Trump would win Iowa, and Ted Cruz would come in second—but it was possible that Trump could under-perform and Cruz would win. Well, Ted Cruz has won Iowa. Donald Trump is in second, and Marco Rubio is in third. But according to “the narrative,” Donald Trump is tonight’s big loser, and Rubio the upset victor.
Soon we’ll have a winner in the first official contest of the 2016 election. For the Republicans, it’s likely to be Donald Trump, though it could be Sen. Ted Cruz. There is a small chance it will be Sen. Marco Rubio, the supposed “establishment” candidate. But it probably won’t be. And don’t worry: Losing—repeatedly and for a long time—is all part of Rubio’s master plan.
