Toys "R" Us shoppers were apparently sent into a panic by a realistic diaper-changing baby doll that was a little bit more realistic than they expected. The little bit in question is the doll's tiny infant dick.

Today's second-most frightening news story involves a number of porcelain dolls, each crafted to resemble a young girl living in the same Orange County neighborhood.

Ooh boy. Here's a quote that speaks volumes, from Reuters' article about Iran's morality police "cracking down" on the sale of Barbie dolls, which is forbidden. Stores have been instructed to sell Iran's specially-designed, ultra-demure Sara and Dara dolls instead, to the disgust of the superficial girl tykes of Tehran:

Bonni Marcus and Jack Zinzi dined in Park Slope on Sunday with their "closest companion," a monkey doll named Bongo. They are now offering a $500 cash reward to anyone who finds the orphaned simulation of a primate. Jack explained the predicament to The Brooklyn Paper:

People talk so much about the "fanatic genocidal fascism" aspect of Nazis that some of their other, less genocidal (but no less crazy!) ideas. Like the Nazi sex doll "designed to stop soldiers being laid low with syphilis"!

Until today, I was impervious to iPad newspaper The Daily's slow dance of tabloid seduction. Oldest dog in America? Whatever. Stripper psychologist? Ho-hum. But today, everything changed. Today I read "Guys and Doll," a feature by Michelle Ruiz about an eccentric gay couple that has spent the last 20 years pretending a baby doll named Digby is their son, and I am now The Daily's biggest fan:

Being a comic book hero is not enough: Mark Zuckerberg is an action figure too, courtesy of the people who created last year's Steve Jobs action figure. Note the presence of "fuck you" sandals. [MIC Gadget via Mashable]

Dynasty divas Krystal and Alexis Carrington got turned into plastic Barbie miniatures to celebrate the show's 30th anniversary. We can't wait to get them both so we can reenact their famous fights. [Image via Pacific Coast News]

Who would pay $80 for an action figure of Steve Jobs? Many geeks, apparently; MIC Gadget already sold its whole production run of 300 dolls. We say wait for the model that can scream "not fucking blue enough!" at you.

Love Justin Bieber, but hate how the only way you can show your love is through tweeting about him incessantly? Soon you will be able to buy Justin Bieber dolls! And Justin Bieber bedding! Just in time for Christmas.

Ever wish you could see through the eyes of a doll? Now you can! The new Video Girl Barbie has its own built-in video camera and LCD screen. You get the best of both worlds: fabulousness and functionality!

The Way We Live Now: charging towards every incentive, negative or not. Survival is the bottom line. Drug sales? Yes! Stealing from neighbors? Yes! Good credit? Bah! Life is but a doll's carcass, full of dust.

We know this news came out yesterday, but we couldn't resist sharing the Joan, Roger, Don, and Betty Barbie dolls that Mattel is hawking for $75 a pop. Alcohol problems, sexual peccadilloes, and suburban ennui not included.

Dolls aimed at girls tend to involve either babies or beautification. The creators of these dolls embraced those themes, but took them a step further. Maybe too far.

We like to "jest" with the advertising industry about how stupid and evil they are, but the truth is that marketing is not easy. Today in Fuzzy Public Outrage: Dolls are racist, and soap bubbles are rapists.

Everything in this bourgeoise white-trash mother's life is going so well that she must search high and low for things to outrage her. WAIT! Did her daughter's Miley Cyrus doll just swear? Sure, that'll do. Local news, activate!

So says Good Morning America today. They had an awkward segment on the must-have toy of the season, a doll that urinates and defecates. "Kids are obsessed!" Then they cut to commercial, abruptly.