“All aboard,” cries the conductor, dressed for the day in his baby blue polo and matching camouflage overalls-and-hat combo.

The San Diego Humane Society is now offering to the public 29 fresh, juicy dogs, specially raised for their succulence.

This dog’s name is “Spanky,” allegedly, but if you told me his name was “Sleepy” I’d have no choice but to believe you. And then I’d have no choice but to ask, “But—shouldn’t his name be ‘Dumb Sleepy’ or ‘Sleepy Idiot’ or, I don’t know, something like ‘Falls Over from Sleepiness ‘Cause of No Brain’?”

Suppose one night a witch came to you in a dream and presented you with the following proposition: You can have minor fame and a reasonable prenup if you marry Johnny Depp. But someday, when the time comes, you may have to go to jail for him because he needed a pair of dumb dogs with him on set to “focus,” whatever that means. Would you do it? Honestly, it doesn’t really matter if you would because someone has already taken your place: poor, sweet Amber Heard.

Even on Labor Day, there can be no rest for action star and known baller Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. The Rock brought home two new French Bulldog puppies Monday—BRUTUS and HOBBS (all caps, please)—and wouldn’t you know it, as soon as he set them down outside, those cute li’l fuckers ran straight for his baller-ass swimming pool.

“Hey, can the window stay down for now? I like it down, thanks.”

According to various #websites, August 26 (today!) is #NationalDogDay. In light of this news, an obvious question might be, “Wait, what governing body even has the authority to declare such a holiday?” However, an even more obvious answer is, “What’s it matter, you drip, don’t we all deserve to see a bunch of dogs?”

Do you remember what it means to be deeply, passionately in love? This dumb dog does, having found the one object that can fill the rectangular, 8.5-by-11-inch hole in his heart.

Sometimes, on nights you’ve a couple drinks too many, you might still believe you could be the best at balloons, the greatest in the world. Unfortunately, you are mistaken.

At this point, you’re probably considering escape—and it’s true, even a reasonably swift child could outpace me—but you will never outrun the dozen flaxen hounds you see before you.

Have you seen the dog? If not, keep watching, because he’s definitely there.

This little coward is afraid of a feather—a feather. A damn feather. Why, though?

Looking for some new shirts?

Figo—a very good dog (who’s a very good dog—YOU ARE! YOU ARE! FIIIIGOOOO)—threw himself in front of a bus this weekend to save his blind owner from almost certain death. Imagine being loved that much??

Never trust anyone is pretty much the message a New York woman is sending after outsourcing her dog walking needs.

After a two-year-old golden retriever died in one of Petco’s drying cages last week, allegedly of heatstroke, the pet store chain says it has stopped using kennel dryers at any of its locations. After a grooming and bath, Colby the dog was left inside one of the dryers while his groomer left the store to go to a graduation. A vet told his owner he died of heatstroke.

Police in North Charleston, S.C., have arrested the man they believe wrapped electrical tape around the muzzle of Caitlyn the dog, a chocolate Staffordshire, and left her for several days with her tongue stuck between her teeth, unable to eat or drink.

Industrial rock guitarist, liar, and accused international canine trafficker Johnny Depp may face up to 10 years in prison or a maximum fine of $340,000, The Sydney Morning Herald reports, penalties related to sneaking his dogs into Australia in April.

Australia is NOT fucking around with its quarantine policies, Johnny Depp!!!

This Saturday, an Army veteran in Athens, Georgia smashed the window of a hot car to free a dog in distress and was subsequently arrested for criminal trespassing, The NY Daily News reports.