• Paul McCartney and his second wife, Heather Mills, have announced that they're getting divorced after a whopping 4 years. Naturally, the media is to blame, having made it difficult for the couple to maintain a "normal" relationship. Way to make us into Yoko. [Reuters]
• Conversely, Nicole Kidman finally confirms that she and Keith Urban are engaged. In her second shot at marriage, Kidman will presumably get laid. [People]
• In the June issue of GQ, Christina Aguilera tells of an unpleasant interaction with a drunken Mariah Carey. Aguilera's sympathetic, though — she knows Carey's all doped up. [Page Six]
• The Oakland A's lose to the Yankees because of a waitress named Charity, who got Nick Swisher and Joe Blanton sufficiently wasted at Plumm the night before the game. [R&M]
• Denis Leary tells Elle that he'd rather shoot himself in the head than sleep with another man. That's fine — Chelsea doesn't need you anyhow! [Lowdown (last item)]
• OK: Keith Richards is fucking amazing. After a brain hemorrhage, he rebounds enough to resume touring with the Rolling Stones. Nothing can kill this man. [Page Six]

• Just because Britney Spears is knocked up again doesn't mean that she's content: rumors continue that she wants out of her marriage to Kevin Federline. So sweet of her to make the new baby special by threatening to bastardize it. [Scoop]
• Incarcerated pimp Jason Itzler claims Charlie Sheen was a stellar client, spending $20K on two lovely ladies who were thrilled to learn that the actor had a formidable package. You blew it, Denise. Dickhead. [Page Six]
• Diddy came all the way from Miami for the Time 100 party, only to learn that Oprah wasn't there. Not even the world's largest entourage can disguise that sort of disappointment. [Lowdown]
• Perhaps worried about word that Alec Baldwin is a holy terror, a publicist plants a lovely item about Baldwin's wonderful relationship with Nicole Seidel. [Page Six]
• Bionic Rolling Stone Keith Richards may be even more fucked up than previously thought. [IMDb]
• No longer in love with Tom Cruise, Rosie O'Donnell offers to get him the help he so desperately needs. [R&M (last item)]
• Jessica Simpson's best friend and personal assistant Cacee Cobb calls it quits on the latter position. But we all know that if you quit one, you're getting fired from the other. [Us Weekly]

• Denise Richards' divorce from Charlie Sheen is shaping up to be the sort of celebrity tempest that could make Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger look weak. Now Sheen's friends are talking to the press — the more nasty opinions, the merrier! [Page Six]
• And while Denise Richards seeks solace in the arms of Richie Sambora, Heather Locklear opts for wound-licking courtesy of David Spade. [Us Weekly]
• When Rosie O'Donnell heads to The View, we'll be praying that she'll accuse Star Jones of pooping soup on-air. That's Emmy material. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Pete Doherty generously shares his needle with a fan. Who happens to be unconscious. If she ever wakes up, she'll no doubt appreciate the gesture. [Sun UK]
• Is Jessica Simpson's flack Rob Shuter planting nasty quotage about Nick Lachey? Is water wet? [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Daniel Baldwin is arrested for cocaine, making him the little-known but totally fun brother. [CourtTV]
• Let's make sure we get this right: We're not to cast our eyes upon George Clooney, but we are supposed to listen to his pleas for Darfur? Doesn't work that way, George. Let us stalk you, and we'll happily fight genocide. [ITV]

• Amongst bad-guy PI Anthony Pellicano's tapes are recordings of phone calls from Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, reports Vanity Fair. In one, Kidman jokes to a friend, "So, Tom, are you listening Tom? Am I saying what what you want me to say?" Well, that choice bit should clear up any questions about Cruises "marriage" deals. [R&M]
• It's official: Nothing is ever good in Teri Hatcher's world. Yesterday a lightbulb exploded on the set of Desperate Housewives, leaving the star with an eyepatch after having to have a shard of glass removed from her eye. Maybe Clooney should send her some flowers. [IMDb]
• Just weeks after having her second child, Gwyneth Paltrow emerges looking "slimmer than ever." Kill at will, ladies. [Lowdown]
• The Paris Hilton doppelganger isn't that good at her game — she was ejected and banned from Stereo after trying to squeeze herself between Axl Rose and Stephon Marbury. [Page Six]
• Calvin and Kelly Klein finalize their divorce, and it only took them 10 years of separation to do so. Calvin's probably treating himself to a celebratory cabana boy right now. [Page Six]

• In an attempt to save face in light of his estranged wife Denise Richards' claims that he's a drugged-up porn freak with a gambling problem, Charlie Sheen takes to Entertainment Tonight to make his case. Working against him, however, is the fact that only a drugged-up porn freak with a gambling problem would think a celebrity fluff show is the proper venue to do such a thing. [ET]
• Did Paris Hilton lose her Bentley in a poker game? Doubtful — we imagine she's quite good, actually. That lazy eye must make her impossible to read. [OCN]
• After getting slammed in the reviews of her Broadway debut, Julia Roberts does what any heartbroken women would do: She runs to Oprah. [Gatecrasher]
• Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder preps for his tour by getting wasted and singing Up Where We Belong. [Page Six]
• Bill Clinton steals the show at Ted Kennedy's book party. Obviously. [R&M]
• Recipe for the most random gossip item ever: Take one $900 Hermes blanket, mix with Lindsay Lohan, Brett Ratner, and a bikini-clad Zeta Graff. Serve with unimaginable stupidity. [Page Six]

• After her baby Sean was effectively dropped on his head, Britney Spears looks to sue the makers of the high chair the child had been in. If only she could sue the makers of retarded white trash, too. Then all her problems would be accounted for. [Scoop]
• Oh, yeah — Brooke Shields also had her baby yesterday. Just to spite Tom Cruise, Baby Grier (that's a girl's name, apparently) is already on antidepressants. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Spikey-haired producer Brian Grazer has filed for legal separation from his wife Gigi — but not divorce. Pussy too scared to take it all the way? [TMZ]
• An elevator at the Gansevoort hotel was overcrowded, causing a free-fall that stopped between the fourth and fifth floors and forced everyone to pry their way out. That's what happens when you have 18 drunken Eurotrashers in a confined space. [Page Six]
• Eminem is devasted after the death of his friend, D-12 rapper Proof. The death should be an uplifting occasion — now Proof has street cred in heaven. Meanwhile, his ex-wife has taken to emailing Star magazine. No wonder he's suicidal. [Gatecrasher]
• Angelina Jolie, lesbian sex, exotic dancers, heroin, death — just another day in 1995. [Page Six]

• Lindsay Lohan may have cried wolf about being misquoted in Vanity Fair, but she's been legitimately misquoted in W about acknowledging that her mother and siblings visit their father in jail. There are no such visits and W will be issuing a correction. No correction in VF however — the girl said she puked, and the tape recorder doesn't lie. [Page Six]
• If Alec Baldwin were forced to sleep with right-wing harridan Ann Coulter, he'd "jump out the window" — and then the Republicans would win again. [Lowdown]
• Katie Holmes is so dedicated to smiling her way through this nightmare, she'll blankly grin even while Tom Cruise talks about being abused as a child. Or maybe she's just genuinely happy to hear about that kind of thing. [Page Six]
• After a whopping 82 days of their second try at marriage, Eminem has filed for divorce from Kim. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Paris Hilton says former BFF Nicole Richie is "jealous" and "pathetic." Atta girl, Paris — keep this bitch fight going! Simple Life 15 premieres soon! [Scoop]

We'd be lying if we said we weren't recently watching VH1's Fabulous Life of Celebrity Wives (or some similarly titled mind-numbing show), so today's news leaves us particularly devastated: Kimora Lee and Russell Simmons are filing for divorce. If you want to stay in tonight, wrapped in a Baby Phat sweatshirt and sobbing into your Chubby Hubby, we understand.

• Lindsay Lohan and mother Dina bond by watching naked women slut it up in the Hotel Gansevoort's hot tub. All tuckered out from that maternal quality time, Lohan took frequent trips to the bathroom with Nicky Hilton. Just another Monday afternoon, we're sure. [Lowdown (last item)]
• Billionaire and professional divorcé Ron Perelman has allegedly been pursuing a lookalike of estranged wife Ellen Barkin (but, of course, the new version is younger), which is making Barkin behave like a rabid dog. [Page Six]
• Unfortunately, Brian Quintanta — the man who scored a restraining order against Paris Hilton — might be the only person on earth who lies more than the heiress herself. [R&M]
• Brangelina rents a highly-secure apartment in Paris to hold them over while they search for a proper sex fortress in the South of France. [Page Six]
• PETA takes aim at VP Dick Cheney, who just shot his hunting buddy. Republican cronies deserve to be ethically treated, too? [Scoop]
• Shannen Doherty, who cares little for "right of way" or some such garbage, slams her Range Rover into a civilian's car. First Brandon crashes his racecar, and now Brenda does this. It's been a rough couple of seasons. [TMZ]

• The Catholics respond to the Kanye West's Jesusy Rolling Stone as exploitation of a poor soul, and the work of a "morally and mentally challenged" person. Personally, we'd never talk about Jann Wenner like that. [R&M]
• Ellen Barkin is in the process of moving her life out of soon-to-be-ex-hubby Ron Perelman's 63rd Street fortess — but where she moves to depends on whether or not their divorce misses some pre-nup deadlines. [Page Six]
• At one of the dozens of Sundance parties, a junior publicist for Harrison Shriftman faints. A witness describes this as "buzzkill." Yeah, dude, losing consciousness totally harshes on our mellow. [Lowdown (2nd to last)]
• Actor Chris Penn, brother of Sean, is dead at 40, and no one seems to know why. [Defamer]
• Tommy Mottola is a mean, a racist, and now, interested in some a very, very devilish television development. [Page Six]

• Judging from her Golden Globes appearance, actress Hilary Swank is not taking her impending divorce from Chad Lowe all that well. [Go Fug Yourself]
• Before you sacrifice your soul and take that i-banking job, know your banks and the types of assholes they employ. [Brooklyn to Harlem • Jared Leto takes his craft so damn seriously, he'll eat 2847145 Twinkies if need be. [Popsugar]
• Apparently Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's sonogram made its way to eBay; the site has since removed the auction seeing as, well, even we think that shit is mildly sick. [CourtTV]
• Bucky Turco of Animal has managed to find himself in our local tabloids oh, like, 600 times now. But if they can't spell your name right, it just doesn't count. [NYDN]
• Admit it: You're totally staying in tonight to watch Skating With Celebrities. It's like Dancing With the Stars meets The Cutting Edge, and you dare to pretend that this doesn't matter? Uh, TOEPICK, bitches! [Slate]

• Star Jones scares her publishers into giving her $85K to promote her new book of bariatric affirmations, Shine. The budget is triple that of what was given to Nicole Richie to promote her roman clef, and God knows Richie wrote the better book. [Page Six]
• Anna Wintour is infinitely disappointed in staffer's decision to eat like a human being. [Lowdown (last item)]
• Jay McInerney knows his 11-year-old daughter is a hottie. If you can stop shuddering long enough, you might want to call protective services. [Page Six]
• More edgy analysis on the breakup of Chad Lowe and Hilary Swank: Apparently Lowe didn't like living in the shadow of his Oscar-netting wife. Really? Even if it got him free room and board in their awesome townhouse? [R&M (2nd item)]
• Scarlett Johansson is down for a three-way, so long as it doesn't include Match Point co-star Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, who she outs as liking gossip, shoes, and twinks. [Scoop]

Sources close to the couple cited the reason as Chad Lowe being Chad Lowe.

• Page Six claims to have seen a picture of Lindsay Lohan's friend bringing the starlet a pregnancy test while she rests at a Miami hospital. Because hospital pregnancy tests just aren't as reliable as an E.P.T. [Page Six]
• An attempt to patch things up with Katie Holmes' parents doesn't go well for Tom Cruise, and the couple leave the family home earlier than planned. Thetans just don't have the time to deal with that sort of bullshit, y'know? [Scoop]
• Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen filed for divorce yesterday. We'd mock them but, after they initially separated, they actually tried to work things out for their kids. So now it's just kind of sad. Like Platoon. [Page Six]
• Howard Stern's daughter Emily drops out of a Kabbalah play, in which she would appear nude, after concerns that pictures would end up on the internet. Damn you, bloggers. [Lowdown]
• Vincent Pastore is being sued for by his former fianc e, Lisa Regina, who is seeking $5 million after being physically and emotionally abused by "Big Pussy." Lord, if we could sue a pussy for all it's put us through... [Cindy Adams]
• The White House continues to withhold information from full congressional oversight regarding its stance on scallops. [R&M]

• First twin Jenna Bush loses her wallet, complete with a shitload of cash, at Lower East Side hipster den Happy Endings. Apparently the innocent girl was merely fleeing someone's greasy advances. The poor thing just can't have a peaceful night hanging out by the venue's bathrooms, can she? [Page Six]
• Contrary to other reports (reprinted here, to boot), former HarperCollins PR director Paul Crichton did not leave under investigation for unauthorized spending. Like any good overlord, Judith Regan just prefers to smear him as such. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• The assumedly faux TomKat wedding registry at Neiman Marcus just might be real. How painfully budget. [Scoop]
• Bungalow 8 gatekeeper Armin Ariri now has an acting career, presumably because some ugly producer just wanted to get past the velvet rope. [Page Six]
• Actress Heather Locklear and Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora may be headed for divorce, perhaps because Locklear refuses to try for another child in lieu of reviving her career. As if there were any hope after LAX. [R&M]

First, we read in Life & Style the most dramatic version yet of the Nick and Jessica divorce story. Snapping! Weeping on planes! But then, we read this: