· Look! Lindsay's enabling, fame-craving mom is literally riding around on her daughter's back now!
· No matter how that Emmy situation shakes out, Showtime can be happy it at least landed three members of the The L Word's cast in the top ten of AfterEllen's Hot 100 list of lesbian lust objects.
· Completely unsubstantiated rumor: Nicole Richie's reproductive system functioning against all odds.
· You should really be ashamed at yourselves for looking at photos of Maggie Gyllenhaal breastfeeding. Sickies, all of you.

Dina Lohan is Lindsay's enabling mom, a freckly cougar, and... a seriously shady compulsive liar? Page Six levels a serious accusation against the professional stage mom today, claiming that an "exhaustive search" of records at Radio City Music Hall reveals that Dina was never the Rockette she's always claimed to have been. "It's like claiming to have a degree from Harvard when you don't. It's a big deal to be a Rockette," says their source. Well, yeah! This is way more serious of a lie than the ones about whether Lindsay is a drunk (remember "Noooo! She is just a 20-year-old who had to reel it in"?). Now we definitely know that Dina Lohan is not to be trusted.

• E! offers Dina Lohan the chance to screw up her remaining kids for your viewing pleasure. [Page Six]
  

Who could have imagined that a Lindsay Lohan DUI arrest (with the ever-popular "usable amount of cocaine" option), some embarrassing sleepy-time photos, and a hasty trip to Promises would generate so much media attention, even days later? We retreat into our defensive round-up posture to handle this morning's onslaught:

• The Daily News tracks Lindsay Lohan's decline via family snapshots! Dina Lohan's 1986 hair is the best news we've read today. [NYDN]
  

Concerned that the recent betrayal of a camera-phone-wielding "friend" who exploited a private moment of bathroom stall bonding for her own financial gain might have fragile starlet Lindsay Lohan, like, totally bummed out and junk?, Us Weekly checks in with momager and Enabling Celebrity Parent Of the Year frontrunner Dina Lohan to see how her daughter is handling this latest blow to her post-rehab image:

• Remember that incredibly fake-seeming video of Lindsay Lohan "hitting" a paparazzo with her car? The guy is suing. [Page Six]
  

From time to time, personalities find themselves in disfavor with the public at large. It is at these moments that a well-designed campaign to win back the fickle fandom of our celeb-obsessed culture can help turn the tide. We've enlisted board-certified Assistant Life Coach Jeff Johnson to provide occasional career counseling and image management to stardom's wounded birds. This is his first column.

• John Mayer is a badass alternative rebel. "On Tuesday, he stayed true to his laid-back stance and popped open two top buttons on his shirt. The message to fashion observers? 'This says, I'll play your game only so far,' he quipped." [WWD]
  

Ignoring party-positive stage mom Dina Lohan's obvious on-camera charisma and agreeable red-carpetside manner, today's Page Six claims that Entertainment Tonight might only have engaged her services to penetrate troubled daughter Lindsay's anti-media defenses:

• Lindsay Lohan's subtle, tasteful mom Dina was working the red carpet at last night's Georgia Rule premiere—as a special correspondent for ET. We're sure she asked some hard-hitting coke tape questions. [Page Six]
  

Boy, Lindsay Lohan is looking rough in that picture. Oh, wait! That's actually her Mom, Dina, but with enough oversaturated lighting, it sure is hard to tell, right? Come on, play along. "I don't want them to know I'm her mom. It's a whole 'nother demographic. People just go dark," the speckly cougar told Harper's Bazaar, adding that she is not above wearing Linday's castoff clothes: "If you can button it and clip it when you're in your 40s, you're going out." Is clubbing with one's underage daughter a good parenting strategy? Who knows. Also, is Lindsay an alcoholic? Dina says noooo. "Noooo! She is just a 20-year-old who had to reel it in." But Dina also says yes: "She's from an addictive personality genetically." No shit, lady.

• Dina Lohan got fingerbanged under the table at Kobe Steak. We're just trying to help you with your New Year's Resolution to lose weight, ok? [Page Six]
  

The latest issue of Star reports that the alpha bitch of showbiz moms, Dina Lohan, is writing a tell-all. Aimed at mothers who want to transform their innocent, talented children into floozy cash-cows, the book will be a guide to pimping and pushing your womb into a lucrative brand. Lohan tells Star's David Caplan (awkwardly pictured):

It's hard not to hate Dina Lohan, the perpetually tanned and fluffed mother of troubled starlet Lindsay. Maybe it's her denial of reality that makes us want to smack her: