Last night’s Living Lohan was all about Ali and her glass-breaking array of vocal talents. The happy family, which is somehow shrinking and growing simultaneously every day now, is still taking Las Vegas by storm as each member’s collective talents go into creating International Superstar-Turned-Trainwreck number two. Little Cody helps out by distracting Dina with adolescent silliness like concussions and that all-too-common need to be “loved,” Ali helps broaden the franchise by doing her best Daddy Left Us And I’m Gonna Record My Angst- And Nicotine-Laced Breakdowns For You! rehashing of Lindsay’s already perfected musical adventures, and Dina grants us with another round of must-have parenting lessons:

Not that claims like these are shocking when you’re part of that wild fame-chasing bunch currently Living Lohan, but Star is reporting that one of Michael Lohan's old flings has taken a paternity test to prove her 13-year old daughter is the newest member of everyone’s favorite dysfunctional family. According to the mag, a Montana woman named Kristi Kaufmann is coming forward to “make sure the truth comes out...‘My daughter has a right to know who her father is — and it’s Michael.’” Now married to a new cowboy hat-wearing realtor, the 44-year old’s claims aren’t exactly being denied by the wig-loving Born Again. Michael’s ambiguous response, and whether or not the details and timing supplied by Kaufmann support the possibility that Lindsay Lohan has yet another little sister who will inevitably want to "be just like her," after the jump.

Last night's episode of Living Lohan was filled to the brim with heartbreak. Emotions, both minutely real and highly fake, were on display for the cameras. The actual sound of Dina's skin cracking as her now-infamous crocodile tears struggled to liquefy was audible. And, as every Dina-phile knows, each opportunity to feign care for her cherished cash cow kids brings another lesson from the one and only Mother of the Century. After watching Dina and her brood prepare for a wild 'n crazy trip to Las Vegas that may or may not be ruined by lovable lush/I Know Who Killed Me fan Nana Lohan, Defamer Video Vixen Molly McAleer plucked three classic family values as illustrated by Dina herself:

Sometimes we feel the need to get down on our knees and bow down to Mother of the Century Dina Lohan. Not only did she produce the neverending carnival ride that is Lindsay Lohan, but she has managed to do the impossible: get Ali Lohan a job. Sure, Ali was supposed to be a rap star or white hip hop lyricist or something, but a gig is a gig. Proving that one should always be careful of what they wish for, Ali’s desire to “be just like Lindsay” has manifested in the form of a potential starring role in the remake of a 1980s cult not-so-classic. But before congratulating the 15-year old by sending over a giant supply of cokepants and nail polish to Casa Lohan, we’re forced to rain on this pitiful parade by informing you which movie Ali’s Big Break will be in: the remake of Troll. Why this is quite possibly the worst idea in the history of ideas, after the jump.

As we’ve learned on our first few voyages into the Living Lohan household, where Dina Lohan knows best and familial ties do not exempt you from abiding by her all-knowing wrath, the multi-tasking Momager extraordinaire proved her managerial skills outstandingly in last night’s episode. The Other Lohan, the surfer-haired preteen brother whose dismal fate has been shoved to the side the more worried and concerned we become following rising rap star Ali’s increasingly deafening fits of rage, had his first shot at some real camera time during this episode. And despite Dina’s obvious disinterest in her son’s career prospects (that is, until he hits puberty and his marketing appeal among tweenybop girls increases exponentially), the queen of the house does find time to throw cash at the problem. Low-prioritized Cody-centric tasks include hiring a token age-equivalent friend, halfheartedly attempting to include him in yet another Ali photo spread, and feigning concern for all three moneymakers children during whiny, crocodile tear-filled cries for help aimed at Tough Love Lohan grandmatriarch, Ann Sullivan. Our picks for Dina’s three most inspiring parenting lessons from last evening’s half-hour are:

In our second edition of Living Lohan’s most valuable lessons as taught by Professor Dina, we couldn’t help being distracted by our studies in good parenting by upcoming rapper Ali’s sudden, unexpected and quite exciting new personality. Did the former zombie-ish little Lohan really just throw a fit? Yell at the almighty Dina? As captivated as we were by this week’s tips from Dina, lovingly crafted by Defamer Video Vixen Molly McAleer, we must note our newfound appreciation for this screaming version of little Ali. It’s like, we can’t put our finger on how exactly she’s changed but, oh wait! Yes, she’s showing her very first signs of Becoming Lindsay. Finally, the process begins. With that, we present three rules of manicured thumb we learned from the big D last night:

For any of you out there who still don’t “get” Kathy Griffin, we now present you with a single clip that will effectively prompt a lifelong love affair with the red-headed, fast-talking, Scientology-bashing spark plug of an entertainer that she is. On the Today Show this morning, giggly Al Roker had the pleasure of speaking with Kathy about her upcoming hosting job of Bravo’s inaugural A-List Awards and not-so-innocently asked her if there was really anything she wouldn’t do on camera, considering her reputation as a truthiness-telling comedienne who never holds back. What followed was a delicious and epic moment in television history, during which Roker was given a lap dance, off-screen staffers were overheard gasping, and images of a Roker/Matt Lauer/Halle Berry threesome in “the big bed” were thrust into our collective imagination.

• Party mom Dina Lohan better show up at her divorce court hearing this morning, or she'll be subject to "immediate arrest and imprisonment." Her ex, Michael Lohan, has reopened their contentious divorce case with new charges that she's drunk around their kids, and fails to show up to court-ordered visitations. Oh, and she wouldn't let him babysit his daughter's puppy. [Rush & Molloy]

In case you hadn't heard, momager extraordinaire Dina Lohan's new reality show was sadly slammed in the ratings by Sheen Sperm-aversive blabbermouth Denise Richards in the ratings. But before weeping for the runner-up, don't forget: Dina still officially wears the crown of Mother of the Year! They gave her a trophy and everything! Yes, "they" are a group of cleavage-baring Long Island moms with fake tans and nails as long as their list of ex-husbands, but a title is a title. Which is why Defamer Video Vixen Molly McAleer has put together a rather inspiring series of moments from last night's second episode, in which we learn three very important lessons on parenting from, that's right, the Mother of the Year. Our favorite and most valuable parenting rules as taught to us by Dina herself:

Our favorite moment from the first episode of Living Lohan was when a giggly Ali Lohan said "I wanna be like Lindsay" in a very rehearsed, gun-to-her-head sort of way. Whichever puppet master that yanked her strings successfully managed to pull the transformation off, but not in the way we'd hoped. Rather than passing out in SUVs and borrowing some of Lindsay's many cokepants for a quick crash and burn, little Ali appears to be moving in on Lindsay's girl. As the Lohan/Ronson romance spread their tattooed and hickey-scarred wings to New York yesterday, the gruesome twosome turned into an even more gruesome threesome, as Ali joined the honeymooners on shopping trips and lunch dates. But Ali may not gain entrance into the private club of two — you see, the psychic geniuses at the NY Post have already gone ahead and prepared for Lindsay's official coming out. Their case for Lohan As Lesbian, plus sources' details on the fact that "they're definitely dating," after the jump.

Are you related to someone famous who doesn’t really speak to you anymore? Do you have a dreadfully boring home life and children you constantly ignore? Have you collected an obscene number of pets, which constantly crap all over your house? Then you should call E! because that’s exactly what they’re into nowadays. On a day meant to honor the heroes who have protected our country, last night’s series premieres of Denise Richards: It’s Complicated and Living Lohan showed just how little there is left to protect.

Gripped by a paralzying case of Rain Manesque echolalia on her Late Show appearance last night ("OK, so you're going to follow Harrison Ford. He has a movie coming out? Indiana Jones? Then Dave will ask you all about your little E! reality show. Don't forget to have fun!") aspiring Lohan Ali seemed incapable of responding with much more than a nervous, "Yeah," to most of host David Letterman's questions. (We've added dings to help you count them: 21 in two minutes.)

As thrilled as we were to see Dina Lohan’s pity party come to life in a preview from Living Lohan yesterday, we truly wish those suits over at E! had picked the other guiding light in Lindsay’s life to trail around with cameras. A tipster alerted us to this clip, showing just another night out on the town (well, in a trailer) for Michael Lohan. We’re not sure which is more jarring: Michael’s impressions of both Cousin It and Dina Lohan, or the reminder that countless famewhores exist out there so desperate for fame they will venture into a trailer with Michael Lohan just hoping he’ll hire them to be Lindsay’s new BFF.

We rarely take a moment to thank E!'s Department of Reality-Based Famewhoring Enterprises for the excellent work they do, giving the egregiously underpublicized—everyone from the Kardashian girls to Denise Richards—a weekly hour to, well, just be. So, thanks! But with Living Lohan (why does that title remind us of a disease-awareness billboard campaign? "I've been Living Lohan for 7 years now, but Lohan isn't living me,") they've truly outdone themselves, giving Dina Lohan the vehicle we know she's wanted and deserved all along. In this preview clip, the celebrity momabler is captured in medias crisis-control, berating an online tabloid concern for publishing blurry photos of her most successful accomplishment in a compromising, probably accurate situation; watching this fierce tigress protect her largely unemployable, fur-coat-swiping cubs is truly a sight to behold.

Well, it's almost here. The grim specter that's been threatening us ever since a young freckled girl did a screen test for The Parent Trap is within striking distance. Living Lohan, the reality show in which actress Lindsay's monster of a Mama Rose, Dina, drags other daughter Ali through showbiz hell is all set to premiere next month. "Ali just loves this business and, unfortunately, I have to manage her," Dina sighs in a preview clip of the show. She also gets on the horn about some "fake" photos of Lindsay (who, respectably, chose not to be involved with this in anyway) that ended up on the internet. Her lawyers will be contacted, she barks. Ali stands by and giggles oddly. And somewhere deep inside me, my soul falls down. Gurgle. Hope she'll do "Rose's Turn". Second encore, maybe! Brief, intolerable preview clip after the jump.

· Get ready for the summer of exploitation on E! If Denise Richards or Dating Nightmares doesn't do it for ya, might we interest you in the White Oprah and her fame-starved daughter Ali? Nothing warms our cockles like the sight of a table full of sycophantic slags toasting a 14-year-old's non-existant career with champagne! [E!]
· What better way to honor Bea Arthur on her birthday than by counting down her 10 best moments? [BWE]
· Videogum is on the hunt for TWMOAT. What's that, you ask? The Worst Movie Of All-Time, natch. [Videogum]
· While the hot Muppet meme of the moment seems to be Sad Kermit singing "Needle In The Hay", we here at Defamer HQ vastly prefer Miss Piggy's tribute to "Fuck The Pain Away." [YouTube via Fimoculous]
· Larry Levine, the recording engineer who helped bring Phil Spector's "Wall Of Sound" to life, passed away at the age of 80. Roll down your windows and play The Ronettes' "Be My Baby" extra loud tonight in his honor. [LAT]

Proving our hunches that we are indeed living in Bizarro World, last night Dina Lohan, master momager/pimp and bestest friend to all her angelic children, received an award naming her Outstanding Mother of the Year. As you'll see in this clip, a ceremony celebrating super-duper moms like Dina was held in what appears to be The Roxy: Long Island Chain, crowded with cleavage-baring mothers dancing awkwardly to techno beats. Naturally the question needing an answer pronto is: why Dina? OK! nabbed an answer from the group's spokesperson: "We're just honoring celebrities' moms on Long Island...It's a list of mothers from Long Island who have raised superstar children." And how did this kooky group of "Mingling Moms" come to the decision that Dina was The One? Their President's very Scientology-like answer, plus more details on Dina's tipsy date and how the Momager herself justified the honor bestowed upon her, after the jump.

[Monster Lohan matriarch Dina receiving an Outstanding Mom of the Year award from some sort of Long Island ladies auxiliary yesterday; image via Splash]

Some might say stage moms get a bad rap. They are, after all, represented by the likes of Dina Lohan, Lynne Spears and Joe Simpson (yes, we know Joe isn't technically a "mom", but we'll gladly take any opportunity to mock him that comes along). But as with so many stereotypes, there may be some real truth behind this one. For all three of you who've had the unfortunate experience of watching I Know My Kid's A Star on VH1, it's apparent that the behavior of real-life controlling, abusive and downright lock-up-worthy momagers makes those pictures of Dina and Lindsay downing Jack D. in their underwear look like a Norman Rockwell montage. Our Resident Videographer Wizardess Molly McAleer has taken the liberty of providing ten examples of what it takes to turn your bundle of joy into a self-hating, bratty little future drug user. Hint: Screaming helps a ton. [Vh1]

Has Joe Simpson gone from a pimpy fame-hungry Dadager to a bonafide nutcase? Not that we're surprised or anything, but his recent interferences with daughter Jessica's "relationship" with quarterback Tony Romo suggest there may be a few gurney-riding trips in his future. As OK! reports this week, Joe's intrusive behavior has Romo's family feeling like their son is being used and, even more disturbing, he showed up uninvited to a private Mexico vacation Jess and Tony took earlier this year. According to OK's source, "Whatever hopes Tony had of his relationship with Jessica turning into something real pretty much ended with Joe's stunt. According to his friends, they're pretty much just friends with benefits." But judging from Jess's romantic past, isn't Friend With Benefits pretty much her primary career these days?