· Help defend LA's honor by voting it the World's Sluttiest City at Gridskipper, a fine Gawker Media Internet Site™. Bangkok's in the lead, but we know that LA has a much higher sluts-per-capita rating.
· "'Really happy,' she gushed, at the 'Batman Begins' L.A. premiere. 'I don't care, I'm so happy,' she told People. 'I mean, I'm just so happy,' she confessed to W magazine. 'I love celebrating our happiness.' 'I'm very, very happy,' she crowed at the 'Batman Begins' London premiere." Please, somebody buy brainwashed Scientology bride-to-be Katie Holmes a thesaurus. At least Tom occasionally mixes in an "extraordinary" when he's pretending to be in love.
· Hey, unicorns!
· Don't you kind of wish that it was the janitor from One Day at a Time co-hosting the Teen Choice Awards with Hill to the Duff, and not Deuce Bigalow?
· Don't bother calling Angelina Jolie's people for comment.

· Outfest LA rages on with performance art at the RedCat. Watch as artist Ron Athey sits on an apparatus called the Judas Cradle, made to inflict a great deal of genital pain in the name of Art! Can't be worse than sitting through the Fantastic Four, can it?
· Hump Day Local Band Round-Up: The always entertaining Kennedy at King King; Irving at Spaceland.
· If you can afford the zip code, but not the semi-legal help to handle such piddling, homemaking-related concerns, author Linda Koopersmith discusses The Beverly Hills Organizer’s Home Organizing Bible at Brentano’s Century City.

· So there we were at the edge of the reservoir, grasping a burlap sack full of newborn kittens. "God," we said, "If you don't send us a news item about how Kevin Spacey's hair growth affects his participation in movie projects, we are going to drown this bag full of kitties." The kittens lived to be adorable for another day.
· Hey, unicorns! [NSFW, via The Black Table]
· When life hands you strippers, make stripperade! via BoingBoing]
· Hollywood Out of Ideas, etc etc etc. How many times can we say it in one day?
· "Martin Lawrence plays [punchy, one-syllable man's first name] — an [adjective], disgraced [type of sports professional] who gets one last chance at redemption: To get back into the [sports league], he has to coach a bunch of [adjective] junior-high students on a hopeless [verb ending in -ing] streak!" At last, Martin Lawrence mad libs.

· Are there any sweeter words in the English language than "A Conversation With Andy Dick"? Well, perhaps, "A Conversation With Andy Dick That Doesn't End With His Tongue In Your Mouth And His Hand On Your Eightball." But let's not quibble over semantics, just enjoy the evening with Dick at SAG's James Cagney Room.
· Easy choice: You can see Billy Corgan begin his two-night sold-out stand at the Fonda OR watch Hillary Duff lip-sync her way through 90 minutes at the Greek. It would be an easy choice for us, anyway, if we'd remembered to buy Corgan tickets.
· A more difficult choice: Watch as Defamer's favorite Hollywood war bride, Gigi Levangie Grazer, signs her novel The Starter Wife at Dutton’s, OR check out the book launch for The Stripper's Guide To Looking Great Naked at the Silent Movie Theater. Decisions, decisions...

What, so you don't like R. Kelly?

· It may not be "news," but it was definitely news to us: MTV's Andy "The Super Bowl is Gay" Milonakis isn't a creepy 14-year-old with a TV show, he's a creepy 29-year-old with a growth-hormone disorder. Do you get the sense that MTV isn't exactly publicizing this fact? [via ByronCrawford.com]
· Hey, unicorns!
· "Pa, pa!" "What's wrong, Half Pint?" "You gotta come down to the Olsen's Mercantile! Doc Baker is dead, pa!"
· Never mind that Russell Crowe's Oscar-winning Maximus was dramatically killed at the end of Gladiator, or that Crowe might be on "special phone-tossing hiatus" for seven years. Let's talk sequel!
· You expect us to believe that Madonna didn't write every word in her children's books? What's next, you're going to try and convince us that the rain isn't actually Jesus's tears?

· Author Elijah Wald reads from and signs his book The Mayor of MacDougal Street: A Memoir, the story of bluesman Dave van Ronk, whom KCRW's website says "ate a bowl of Dylan and Mitchell for breakfast and washed it down with a piping hot cup of Biaz." (Baez?) Tonight at Book Soup.
· Bespectacled inquisitor Greg Proops returns to Largo with the Greg Proops Chat Show. Tonight's guests include Craig "The Guy Who Took Over For Kilborn Still Has A Show" Ferguson and Largo music staple Jude. Tough questions will be asked, friends and memories made.
· Free music, if you're into that kind of thing: The Vacation and the Business Machines at the Troubadour, while The BellRays do Spaceland's magic, cover-free Monday night residency.

· Butterscotch Stallion double-shot! Owen Wilson on his beloved nickname: "I love that. It has to be one of the most ridiculous, insane nicknames, but some of my friends have really picked up on it. I think they know it's kind of humiliating to me." Humiliating? Does a rainbow humiliate the sky? Also, the Stallion defiantly shakes his mane in Jay Leno's face tonight.
· "And quickly, a young, shrill, female voice came from backstage: 'It's LO-HAN! LO-HAN!!!'" Why is it so funny that Robert Altman can't remember Lindsay Lohan's name?
· Is it wrong to think that Quentin Tarantino is hanging out (or—shudder—sleeping) with Shar Jackson just for the kitsch value of being photographed with the mother of Britney Spears' layabout husband's illegitimate kids? Either way, nice mindfuck, QT.
· Catherine Zeta Jones' stalker gets three years in prison, a punishment previously established for Mel Gibson's scary prayer-buddy.

• Some bad shit went down in London, and we were, characteristically, obnoxiously insensitive about it. Even more characteristically, so was Greg Gutfield.
• Judy Miller goes to jail — and looks fabulous on her way there.
• Matt Cooper doesn't go to jail.
• And, elsewhere, Lil' Kim is sentenced to a year and a day for perjury.
• Angelina adopts a baby boy with Brad. Or a baby girl on her own. Whichever.
• At the Observer, a new website but no lunch breaks.
• Old Kurt Andersen had a farm. A completely unironic farm.
• Natalie Portman, terrorist?
• Staten Island high-school basketball coach indicted for spanking students. Which apparently is frowned upon.
• And, to cap it all off, maybe William Rehnquist is retiring. Swell.

Friday
· A little creeped out by Johnny Depp's Jacksony version of Willy Wonka? You can see Gene Wilder's somewhat less unsettling portrayal tonight at CineSpace's Dinner and a Movie.
· If we weren't already headed to the Viper Room to hear Deathray (we swear they're the new Cars, Ric Ocasek-produced Weezer records be damned), we'd probably be reliving our headbanger past at the Judas Priest/Queensryche show at the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater. Or we'd be at Spaceland taking in some Tsar.
Saturday
· Celebrate Ringo Starr's 65th birthday (yes, he's still alive—for shame!) with a screening of A Hard Day's Night at the Egyptian Theater, including Things They Said Today, a documentary on the making of AHDN.
· Scandinavian psychedelic jam-rock? Yes, please. Dungen plays the Troubadour.
· Tilda Swinton fans rejoice, for the actress will introduce the Outfest screening of the mockumentary Kiki and Herb Reloaded at the Regent Showcase.
Sunday
· The Henry Fonda hosts the 2005 Smiths/Morrissey Convention...if this is the kind of thing you'd be interested in on your own, there's nothing more we can say to sell it to you.
· Flick an extended middle finger to the Fantastic Four (what, are we on a crusade or something?) and take in a documentary. March of the Penguins or Murderball will do nicely.

Join us as we joyously clasp the hands of this week's sponsors and parade around the May pole (er, July pole?) to celebrate their patronage. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and reach the kid of people who could sign your product to a three-picture deal, see this page.

· What happens when a blood vessel in Zsa Zsa Gabor's brain bursts? The same thing that happens to anyone else, silly!
· If you ever wanted to make a flip-book of Mary-Kate Olsen on a trampoline, now's your chance. Seize the day. We won't judge.
· David Lee Roth might be taking over for Howard Stern once Stern jumps to satellite, but can one really replace Anal Ring Toss with the semi-deranged, stream-of-consciousness ramblings of a fading rockstar?
· Also, House of Cosbys has returned to Channel 101 after briefly being yanked because of a threat from the Coz's legal team. Go watch an episode now. [via BoingBoing]

· What else is there to do on Thursday night but see a concert? Eels at Avalon; Built to Spill at the House of Blues (we've lost track—have they been drafted to the indie big leagues of The OC soundtrack yet?); Abandoned Pools at the Troubadour.
· How did we wind up invading Iraq? Eh, "Stuff Happens"! (It's a David Hare play at the Mark Taper Forum.)
· Jessica Kaye and contributors read and sign Meeting Across the River: Stories Inspired by the Haunting Bruce Springsteen Song at Book Soup. If you're a Boss superfan and want to attend only to critique an author's attempt at translating a Clarence Clemons sax solo into prose, do everyone a favor and stay home with your Born to Run vinyl.

· Good news for Universal and theater owners: People seem to like Cinderella Man enough where they're not asking for their money back afterwards.
· Publicist swears the sky is yellow, yet people persist in trusting the eyes that tell them it's blue. People—what's up with them?
· Blogging.la hears that parking at the ArcLight is about to jump from $1 to $2.50, bringing the cost of a movie date at the theater to $217.
· With Angelina's adoption news, it's looking less likely that she's knocked up, but what's going on with the betting line for the naming of Brangelina's theoretical lovechild?
· Is Jessica Simpson too sexy? Ananova dares to "go there."
· We love the pic of the stuffed penguin in the military hat (and yes, it's supposed to remind you of this) so much that we're attaching it to this post, apropos of nothing but the happiness it brings us.

· Albert and Allen Hughes, sometimes dramatically referred to as The Hughes Brothers, are the latest Master Storytellers to stop by for a chat at the ArcLight. They'll answer questions following a screening of 1993's Menace II Society. Do you think they know that since Menace came out, Samuel L. Jackson has been in about 60 movies? That's today's fun fact, kids.
· It would probably be illegal for us to recommend drug abuse in conjunction with an event listing, but is there any chance you could sit through the Donkey Kong music and laser show of Video Games Live at the Hollywood Bowl without being really, really high? No, there is not.
· Other music that may or may not invite the use of controlled substances: Moving Units at the Fonda; Oohlas at Spaceland; Darci Cash and Big Japan at the Troubadour.

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com (putting “privacywatch” or “sighting” in the subject line helps immensely) and let the world know that you have an amazingly ability to differentiate between the Olsen twins.

· Writer James Frey, whose scripting of the David Schwimmer vehicle Kissing a Fool began a downward spiral of catastrophic drug addiction—and eventual literary redemption with the bestselling recovery memoir A Million Little Pieces, reads from his new book, My Friend Leonard, at Vroman's. (OK, we don't know for sure about Kissing a Fool being the catalyst for his drug use, but every story needs a hooky inciting incident, doesn't it?)
· The first-ever rock-n-roll feature, Rock Around the Clock, hits a double bill with Don't Knock the Rock, the first-ever rock-n-roll sequel, at the Egyptian for the opening of the Mods & Rockers film festival. Expect more pompadours than you can shake a pair of cuffed jeans at.
· Normally, we feel guilty about recommending an activity that keeps you on the couch, but tonight is the premiere of MTV's The 70s House, in which "modern" kids are deprived of their PlayStations, Adderall, and cellphones in an attempt to simulate the technology-free horror that was life in the 70s. Fortunately, 70s houses still had liquor cabinets, so maybe these kids will be able to replicate some Real World-style drinking binges and get an anachronistic rainbow party going.

In an effort to bring this week to a close as anticlimactic and disappointing as the end of War of the Worlds, we offer some rumors we've heard for you to chatter about over the barbecue this Fourth of July weekend (or as we like to call it, "Id4"):

Is there a better way to celebrate our return from technical difficulty hell than to thank this week's sponsors? No, there is not. Thanks, this week's sponsors! If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and siphon the disposable income directly from the wallets of Hollywood's hottest consumers, see this page.

The computer we've been working on seems to have 'blown up.' (Is that the technical term?) Our nonsense will resume as soon as we find one that works...in the meantime, please refresh the page every two minutes until we return. It's what Andy Dick would want you to do.