Thanks to this week's sponsors, whose tip-jar contributions will help us pay Jerry Della Femina's fireworks fines. Interested in joining our explosively good times? More info here.

Because this sounds like a good cause, and because watching the bloody spectacle of agency assistants getting drunk and trying to sing competitively would be worthwhile cause even if no charity was involved, today's To Do list consists of just one item. But if you're going to participate, please try and remember that it's a charity event, and strangling a colleague from CAA for not nailing the high notes of "Bohemian Rhapsody", while admirable under many circumstances, is probably not appropriate tonight. Enjoy:

· An Orange County judge has sentenced Backstreet Boy Nick Carter to rehab. Does anyone else smell a totally awesome reality show?
· "Lindsay Lohan is a 16 year old girl who just happens to be living her dream! She has siblings and leads a regular life aside from doing her job even down to hanging with friends, seeing movies, and DATING!" Looks like Lohan's official Yahoo discussion group (it's linked from her official site, or one of them, anyway) hasn't been updated in a while. Please share a communal, knowing chuckle about innocence lost.
· Bloggy McBlogalot reveals Martha Stewart's Apprentice catch-phrase. Maybe we're biased, but we still prefer the elegant simplicity of "Bite the doily."
· Why are we getting all of our Chris Tucker news from Gavin Newsome?

Any morning Cruise round-up worth its Sea Org salt must begin with Banterist's Cruise-inspired Xbox controller. What, no "disparage psychiatric pseudo-science" button? That must be mapped to one of the unseen trigger buttons underneath.
· What's it like to travel around the world on the WOTW tour with Cruise? One brave reporter finds out.
· What's it like to be trapped in an elevator with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes at last night's BET Awards? One brave reader reports:

· All that is required for the triumph of War of the World screening evil is that good men be silent. Or that unpopular women in funny hats make a ruckus.
· Everything you ever wanted to know about Vincent Gallo's (alleged) Stunt Cock, but were afraid to ask. Now you know why fear is often a good thing.
· Here's some video (see the "fan videos" at the right of the page) of Chris Tucker's recent arrest for driving 120 mph in a zone with state troopers who begrudgingly admire his acting skills.
· Tom Cruise Vs. The Nazi Menace!
· For some reason, we just can't make ourselves believe that Angelina Jolie is pregnant, especially when there are so many adorable Cambodian babies needing homes.
· Blogging superstar/Trekugee Wil Wheaton gets deeply probed by the geeks of Slashdot.

· The Manhattan Monologue Slam returns to Ivar tonight to fill all of your monologue-slamming needs. Admission is free, and tonight's all-star panel of judges includes writer James Gunn, director James Foley, Jenna "The American Office" Fischer, and The Immortal One, Andy Dick.
· Tuesday's Brief Music Listing: OohLas at the Silverlake Lounge, Backyard Babies at the Troubadour.
· Tonight's the monthly Res screening at the Egyptian, featuring new videos from Bloc Party, the Chemical Brothers, and Beck. Once the screening portion is over, there's the opportunity to stumble to a short distance for after-party booze.

Sometimes it feels like we lose touch with old friends. But when a reader spots the prodigal pal and dutifully records the encounter for all of us to share, it's like they never left:

· We're not here to judge (or to wonder about whether the ad is real or not), we're just here to help supposed celebrities posting on Craigslist get anonymous blowjobs.
· Free Katie bumpersticker spotted!
· Steven Spielberg is so tired of Tom Cruise questions that he doesn't even mind comparing War of the Worlds to 9/11.
· TTFN: April Winchell reacts to her father's death.
· Finally, psychiatrists fight back: "It is irresponsible for Mr. Cruise to use his movie publicity tour to promote his own ideological views and deter people with mental illness from getting the care they need."

· Gen Art presents a sneak preview of Hustle & Flow, the heartwarming tale of a pimp who graduates from the slapping of his ho's to the dropping of rhymes, at the ArcLight. The twenty dollar ticket price gets you into an afterparty at Mood, where ho-slapping will almost certainly not be permitted.
· If you'd like to go a little lighter on the pimp-slapping, author Sam Brumbaugh reads from his first novel, Goodbye Goodness, at Book Soup.
· In addition to their duties showing off their extravagantly appointed lodgings on Cribs, Lil’ Jon and Juvenile sometimes perform music in a live setting. Tonight, they hit the House of Blues on the Strip.

• Nationally renowned psychiatry expert Dr. Tom Cruise goes on Today show, having clearly forgotten to take his own meds.
• Time's guerrilla marketing continues to fail to impress.
• Hipsters head north; yuppies head further north.
• Kathy Hilton's reality show debuts, sucks.
• It was the gayest week ever at Gawker. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
• Of course celebrities are special. Even your brain cells think so.
• There's nothing wrong with Maxim. Other than everything that was wrong with it in the first place.
• Find New York ATM-emptyingly expensive? Turns out there are 12 cities even worse.
• Chicago Tribune publishes list of country's 50 best magazines, reminding you why you don't pay attention to Midwesterners in the first place.
• And how would we have made it through the week without Lindsay Lohan?

Join us as we raise our voices in joyous praise of this week's sponsors, whose unwavering support for all of our endeavors allows us to occasionally upgrade from Coors Light to Sam Adams Light. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and reach the kind of people who'd happily reallocate some of the income they'd normally burn for fun to your product or service, see this page.

· With a name like Say Hi To Your Mom (at the Echo), you win an automatic To Do list music round-up mention. Also: Youth Group play Spaceland tonight; when they're at the Henry Fonda three months from now, you can turn your nose up at your slow-adopting friends who are paying fifteen bucks to park in Hollywood.
· Jennifer Saginor signs Playground: A Childhood Lost and Found Inside the Playboy Mansion at Book Soup. Ask her about the time she saw Jimmy Caan beat up a monkey while simultaneously engaged in a Grotto orgy with Misses July through November 1975—it's a great anecdote.
· Indulge your inner hipster wino (we suspect he/she's lurking pretty close to the surface) at Silver Lake Wine's Thursday Night Flights. We think wine is involved, and you need some way to take the edge off while you wait for the next episode of Dancing with the Stars.

· This one's a serious candidate for Headline of the Year. The story's not bad, either.
· Lohan spotted near books, reading declared "over."
· Robert Redford's face: from slack as a shar-pei's scrotum to tight as a drum in just five years.
· We always thought MJ would be sued over a vicious genital mutilation by Bubbles before some mundane dog bite.
· "Unit #836B3-Z4-delta-9KEC5: Jew ar to nize. I tought jew were so guud in Teaching Mrs. Tingle." Tom Cruise takes Katie Holmes to meet his former business partner.

· If you e-mail the address found in this Craigslist post before 6 pm, you can see comedians Dane Cook (who recently did The Cruise all over Jimmy Kimmel's couch, before The Cruise was over) and Sarah Silverman (we won't let ourselves think about what she's done on that couch) perform at the Hollywood Improv tonight for free. We know you like some free.
· Another free activity: The Downtown LA Outdoor Movie Series presents the doc Theremin: An Electronic Odyssey at the California Plaza...downtown, obvs. And if you think you don't even know what a theremin is, maybe you need to spend a little time at Theremin World.
· Wednesday Night Has Music, Too: Longview at the Troubadour; The Like at Spaceland (are they legal yet?); Giant Drag at Boardners.

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com (putting “privacywatch” or “sighting” in the subject line helps immensely) and let the world know that Scarlett and Josh were totally making out.

· Listen guys, Lindsay works very, very hard! Don't judge her if she throws a fit when Disney shits all over that hard work.
· Maybe a bear claw, sure, but a Munchkin? Nah, we don't see it.
· We'd always had a creeping feeling that the curiously animated old guy from the Six Flags commercials had a deep, dark secret, but we're surprised at just how deep and dark it is.
· Hmmm. You'd think that with all that weed Woody Harrelson smokes, he'd be an excellent driver.
· That Tom Cruise character is so electric. But you knew that already.

· Twenty bucks gets you in the door of the Pan Andreas Theatre for a reading of a new sitcom. Yes, it sounds a little like an evil Fox network plot, until you realize it's a charity benefit for the Elliott Smith Memorial Fund, then feel bad for being initially suspicious.
· An Impressive Night Of Music: The Futureheads at the Henry Fonda; Spoon at the Avalon (if we try and sneak up to the Spider Club afterwards, are we going to be brutalized by security?); Junior Senior at Spaceland.
· Comedy Death Ray brings a lineup to M Bar that will have you either soiling your drawers with laughter or from the intimidation of being in a such a small space with such big names (or both), with Sarah "This Kimmel Thing Can't Last Forever" Silverman, Zach Galifianakis, Greg Proops, Andy Kindler, and host Brody Stevens.

· Leonardo DiCaprio was attacked with a bottle at Rick "One Night in Paris" Salomon's place, but thanks his lucky stars that something truly horrible didn't happen to him, like getting blasted in the face with a highly suggestive stream of liquid by British pranksters. Shit, stitches ain't nothing, Leo.
· Or if the video of said face-blasting was set to comical background music, that's probably not an optimal situation, either.
· Fugmander-in-Chief Jessica has a real-life run-in with an object of her fashion scorn. There are fireworks.
· "There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all." And thus is born The Showbiz Show with David Spade on Comedy Central. Now if only we could adapt this idea of mocking Hollywood for the internet, we might really have something...

· For a mere five dollars, you can celebrate the final season of Six Feet Under by attending a listening party for the show's soundtrack CD, Everything Ends, at the Knitting Factory. Or for the price of a cheap bottle of whiskey, you can do what we're doing instead—taking a shot of booze every time we see a sign that Jeremy Sisto's character is about to relapse into batshit, tattoo-carving insanity.
· Here's a fun game: see if you can untangle the party info from the list of sponsors: "Spin Magazine presents The Century Plaza LAFF Premiere Party at The Viper Room with free Absolut cocktails." If you've figured it out, say the password "chilidog" for entry.
· Michael Cunningham, author of the novels The Hours and A Home at the End of the World (the movie version of which famously starred Colin Farrell's penis), reads from his new book, Specimen Days at ALOUD at the Central Library’s Taper Auditorium.

· Scarlett Johansson bolts the Celebrity Centre, and Mission: Impossible 3, rather than wind up being proposed to on the Eiffel Tower. Who says these young starlet types aren't smart?
· The Maui Film Festival fetes The Butterscotch Stallion, the Caramel Mustang, and the Relatively Obscure Pinto.
· Note to Mena Suvari: If you let yourself be photographed coming out of a bar with a butch companion hanging all over you, people are gonna talk.
· This will probably give us nightmares all weekend.
· You tell 'em Bo! Winning is totally for pussies.