· The Egyptian hosts a sneak preview of Zombie Honeymoon, a film whose premise we are reasonably certain is accurately described in its title. Director David Gebroe will hang around afterwards to answer all of your zombie-related inquiries, which must include a serious contemplation of how many zombies can fit in a Mini Cooper (without the use of a blender).
· Aireoke: an unholy combination of air guitar and karaoke. Don't worry, though, there's still the same hipster-attracting possibility for ironic detachment that's present in each component. Aire-awesome! At the Parlour Club.
· Music, music, music: Tim Burgess at the Viper Room; The Sights at Amoeba for an in-store; The Shore at the Troubadour; Ben Folds at the Virgin Megastore.

We've secretly replaced your regular Gawker editor, Jessica Coen, with two incompetent idiots! Let's see what happens...
—NH

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let Ben Affleck know that we know Jennifer Garner's in the driver's seat.

What s crappenin , people? Just a reminder that Gawker editor Jessica Coen is in the tropics abusing men and illegal substances, so this week it s Michael Gross and Noelle Hancock leading you astray. Thanks so much for all of your emails. A few things: 1) If we want to listen to bitching we ve got the voices in our head. However, if you ve got tips, celebrity sightings, and a working relationship with your sanity, send em our way to tips@gawker.com. 2) To answer your question, no, we don t think we re better than everyone else, we are better, especially considering one of us shares a name with the dude who played Mr. Keaton on Family Ties (we d still do Meredith Baxter, by the way). On that note, we ve tied our naked lady mudflaps to the backs of our laptops and are ready to roll. And away we go —NH

· Earlier, when we said Jake Gyllenhaal was out walking his dog and unavailable to hold forth on Israeli-Palestinian relations, we were kidding. Of course we knew he's up in Alaska Canada with Salma Hayek and talking global warming with the Inuits!
· Steven Spielberg does his best to invalidate his work on this year's summer blockbuster: " "I have to certainly believe what my heart tells me. That the first time there is a meeting of the minds between extraterrestrials and human beings, it's going to be friendly."
· Just this one time, copycat lawsuits sound like a really, really good idea, at least if they'll prevent a second season.
· "Eight years of blow." Chris Kattan's career, explained! [fifth item]
· Can't anyone on Craigslist try to get laid without turning it into an acting audition?

· NPR sweetheart/essayist/Incredibles star Sarah Vowell takes on world-beating humorist juggernaut David Sedaris in a best-of-three-falls display of literary pugilism at UCLA's Royce Hall. Bring some kind of protective covering if you're sitting in the front rows—you wouldn't want your clothes ruined by an errant witticism.
· On a slightly angrier and spittle-flecked (but no less amusing) tip, The Daily Show's Lewis Black will sign his book Nothing Sacred at Book Soup.
· A reader suggested this name for the music round-up, so here goes for one day only:
'Lil Nubbins: Damon & Naomi with Timonium at Spaceland; The Vacation hit up the Silverlake Lounge; Unsane have their CD release party at the Knitting Factory, where everyone who ponies up the cover charge gets a copy of their new CD.

In this week's collection of rants, The Black Table goes buckwild on the Norwegian cruise ship engulfed by a seven-foot wave, and the and passengers that had the nerve not to drown. —NH

· Director Brad Silberling, author Daniel Handler, and producer Julia Pistor will appear for a post-screening Q & A following Lemony Snicket's A Series of Somewhat Disappointing, But Overall, We Did OK And Should Kill on DVD Events at the ArcLight.
· Because some "literary agents" deal with "books and whatnot" and actually have little or nothing to do with movie writers and directors: Literary Agents 101: What Writers Must Know About Finding and Working With Representation, a panel discussion at the Veterans Memorial Building in Culver City. More info here. [third item]
· We really need a catchy name for the very brief concert round-ups that appear in this space. Anyway, just thinkin' out loud: The Good Life and the Velvet Teen at the Trouabdour; Damon & Naomi do an in-store at Amoeba in Hollywood; Tori Amos touches a piano in the midst of coeds at UCLA's Royce Hall.

With Jessica on vacation, we're turning the joint over to Very Special Guest Editors Michael Gross and Noelle Hancock for the week. Noelle fell into our arms in February after departing the Observer, and has served with honor since her first guest editor gig as our dazzling-yet-vitriolic Gawker Party Crash correspondent. Michael's new to the craft of blogging, but not to NYC media he's written for just about every bylined publication in town over the years, and authored the expos s Model and Genuine Authentic. His apartment porn epic, 740 Park, hits the shelves this fall. Show them the love, and there's a decent chance they'll reciprocate.

·Sure, this (see above) is a story about a lawsuit, but that would be the best reality TV show of all fucking time.
· This RosieBlog obsession of ours isn't at all healthy, but: "you are not a friend of the letterman show - rosie."
· Star: Always seeking the public's assistance in naming celebrity babies. [scroll to bottom]
· Come on, now you're just making shit up.
· [Insert Name of Any Actress, Ever] Thinks She's a Lot Like Her Extremely Popular, Relatable Television Character

Next week, I will be on vacation. Unlike the previous "vacations" I've taken during my editorship, I will not be freelancing elsewhere for beer money. This is a bona fide break, over the course of which I will sleep, drink things adorned with umbrellas, and forget there's such a thing as Radar. In fact, I suspect that the natives of my island destination have never even heard of Topic A! And no, that island is not Manhattan.

Friday
· Bollywood (the appellation given to the Indian film industry) comes to Hollywood (a geographical designation often used to represent the entire American film industry), as the Indian Film Festival of Los Angeles takes place at the ArcLight. Luckily, all of the Star Wars nerds are still in front of the wrong theater and shouldn't interfere with the festival.
· Friday music: The pathologically prolific Ryan Adams at the Henry Fonda; Josh Rouse at the El Rey; Phoenix and Dogs Die In Hot Cars at Avalon; The Blood Arm at the Echo; Lou Barlow at Fais Do Do.
Saturday
· More music, different night: Sarah McLachlan brings her own little slice of Lillith Fair heaven to the Greek Theatre, while a reader insists that you all will enjoy The Jenerators at Rusty’s Surf Ranch.
· Everyone knows that the LAT throws its annual Festival of Books just so that we have something to point to when East Coasters sniff that our city has no culture, but it's generally an enjoyable time despite that baggage. There are too many panels, signing, and events to start to list here, but our favorite panel is always "Self-Conscious Hand-Wringing Over the State of Literary Life In Los Angeles." Don't worry, it's held in every venue at UCLA during the festival, over and over again, but never as well attended as the inevitable Peter Bart roundtable.
· Don't let the 1996-style website fool you, the Hollywood Collectors & Celebrities Show at the Burbank Airport Hilton is a pretty hott scene. Sure, Don Knotts canceled, but Traci Bingham is still scheduled to appear!
Sunday
· The Festival of Books is a two-day affair, and it wouldn't kill you to read something other than the trades once in a while, mister! Ease yourself into it, though, with the panel "The Movie Biz: Making Deals and Cutting Throats" (unintentional hilarity theirs). Featuring, of course, Peter Bart.
· Even if Desperate Housewives is a rerun, we're gonna need a breather from all this pointy-headed book stuff.

We pause to thank this week's sponsors, whose unwavering support keeps us from selling what's left of our worldly possessions and pursuing a Tobey Maguire-like life of itinerant semipro poker-playing. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and instantly achieve wealth beyond your wildest dreams, see this page.

Special thanks to this week's sponsors, without whom we'd be fighting ConEd with tinfoil swords. Interested in reaching our incredible audience? More info here.

· Designer Todd Oldham seeks to sate your unholy lust for low-level home improvement projects at the Barnes and Noble in the Grove, where he discusses his book, Handmade Modern: Mid-Century-Inspired Projects for Your Home. Bring your jigsaw...and your dreams. And maybe some stained glass fragments, just in case you want to whip up a cool desk lamp.
· Oh yes, there is music: Electric Six (we had a tinny "Danger! High Voltage!" ringtone, like, two years ago) with VHS or Beta at the El Rey; Regina Spektor at the Roxy; Album Leaf at Knitting Factory.
· John Tesh seeks to turn your hundred-dollar charity tickets into hope for tsunami victims at the Kids of Hope Tsunami Benefit Gala. This is no time to snicker at the New Age-flavored synthesizer soundscape that is Tesh's music—he's trying to help, and what are you doing, Mr. Music Elitist? Also, Anne Hathaway will be there, and we hear she's promised to marry us if ten Defamer readers attend the benefit.

· Here's a Solomonic dilemma for you: If you buy a ticket to Ashton Kutcher's crappy movie this weekend (not Guess Who, the other one), he's going to model underwear; if you don't, he's likely to continue to say mindless shit in interviews to promote the movie. Which half of the baby do you want, the crying, snotty half, or the part that soils the diapers?
· We thought that the guy who spit in Jane Fonda's face at a book singing was engaging in some kind of misguided Vietnam protest, but as it turns out, he's just seen a rough cut of Monster in Law.
· We've got the feeling that this eBay item (or one like it) is going to come into play in the Michael Jackson trial at some point. [via BoingBoing]
· 4-20 Day revelers, you've been warned: Do NOT click on this link. Don't do it. Really. Not even a little. And if you do, a bag of Fritos will definitely not pop out of your monitor, as if by magic.

· We're not exactly sure what surprises tonight's reading of the anthology The Cocaine Chronicles at the Velvet Margarita might hold, but we wouldn't be shocked if half the club-hopping starlets in town showed up, you know, just in case they're handing out eight-balls. Which they're totally not doing...right?
· Bust out your flannel, your dreadlocks, and your vaginas for an ArcLight screening of Don’t Need You, a documentary about the riot grrrl movement of the 90s in the Pacific Northwest. Really, don't forget the vaginas; you'll be mortified if you show up without yours.
· Hey, did you know that today is Artivist Day? Yeah, we didn't either. But there's a film festival for it at the Egyptian. It's also 4-20, but you don't need a movie for that, especially since your Blockbuster gave up on ever getting back that egregiously overdue copy of Half Baked.

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let the world know that you would fuck Denzel Washington if the proper situation presented itself.

· Will someone just please pick a new fucking James Bond already so we don't have to read yet another "Who will be the next Bond?" piece, especially one that cheekily evaluates the supposed candidacies of Bill Murray and Christopher Walken? [sound of self-inflicted gunshot]
· Leonardo DiCaprio may or may not have picked up a touch of the Tubbies from Tobey "The Corpulent Spider" Maguire, but this item features one of the cuter publicist denials we've read in a while.
· Hey, fat Haim!
· Ben Affleck: shepherding a new generation of actors into premature career immolation. [via dude.Man.phat.]

· Amoeba’s Home Grown Showcase at the Mint features music by unsigned artists personally picked by the people gracious enough to only occasionally laugh at you when you ask them where the Coldplay section is. If that's not enough of a reason to turn up, tonight's show will also benefit musician Dax Pierson, who was recently paralyzed in a bus accident while touring.
· Loveline host/Adam Carolla enabler Dr. Drew Pinsky lectures about Understanding Work Addictions at Le Meridien. For the record, it's not technically a "work addiction" if your evil Hungarian blogmaster chains you to the computer and barks that you "Produce! Produce!" for 10 hours a day. Just sayin'.
· Have absolutely no desire to see the gawdawful remake of The Amityville Horror? The New Beverly is playing the original's sequel, Amityville II: The Possession, which is assuredly ten times more enjoyable (though decidedly less abtastic), as part of the Grindhouse Film Festival.