♦ Amy Poehler and husband Will Arnett became parents for the first time on Saturday when Amy gave birth to a son, Archie. [Us]
♦ Madonna is in "meltdown mode," and asked her assistant to gather all the items she received from Guy Ritchie so she can "bury them." Guy, meanwhile, has reportedly said the couple's marriage began to disintegrate when she started planning their sex life around her workout schedule. [MSNBC, Daily Mail]
♦ Jennifer Hudson is offering a $100,000 reward for the return of her nephew, who went missing on Friday when her mother and brother were fatally shot. [People, Access Hollywood]
♦ Lindsay Lohan doesn't want people thinking she's a lesbian just because she's dating a girl. [NYDN]

♦ The Madonna-Guy Ritchie messiness continues: The biological father of Madonna's adopted son says he might be better off in his native country of Malawi, Ritchie supposedly told friends that having sex with Madge was like "cuddling up to a piece of gristle," Madonna has described Ritchie as a gold-digger, and the two sides aren't even close to finalizing a divorce settlement, which means this is going to continue for a long, long time. [NYDN, Mirror, NYP, SS]
♦ Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen may get married at Tavern on the Green, of all places. [P6]
♦ Sam Ronson and Lindsay Lohan got into a little fight aboard the Acela. [P6]

♦ Madonna and Guy Ritchie's divorce wasn't a huge revelation after months of rumors. But now it turns out the couple hadn't even been on speaking terms for months, and had been communicating through their assistants. Also: Guy may lose custody of his sons if Madonna decides to leave London and settle in NYC full-time. [Us, People]
♦ The namecalling has started: Madonna called Guy "emotionally retarded" at her Boston concert on Wednesday night, and now Guy's father is calling Madonna "beastly." [The Sun, Telegraph]
♦ Peter Cook and Diana Bianchi aren't happy about the leak of their sex tape. Who's to blame? Peter is blaming Diana. Diana, meanwhile, says it couldn't have been her since she didn't even know he was taping them having sex in his Southampton office. [P6, ET]
♦ Did Tea Leoni have a fling with Billy Bob Thorton while she was still with David Duchovny? [Extra, E!]

Given the number of other slimy things Christie Brinkley's ex-husband Peter Cook has admitted to doing, no one, not even Cook's own people, is particularly surprised or outraged that a video exists of the architect having sex with his teenaged assistant Diana Bianchi. "Anything is possible," a "source close to [Cook]" told Page Six. Yes, in the wake of Cook being accused by his wife posting nude photos of himself to swingers sites, admitting he masturbated on the internet and after sleeping with a woman he first met at age 15 in a toy store, anything does seem possible. Including, say, a secretly-videotaped striptease, and Cook using some teen ass as a pillow:

♦ Now that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have officially split, the focus is now on her relationship with Alex Rodriguez: Some say he knew that the separation announcement was coming, which is why he's been "lying low" in a five-star Beverly Hills hotel for the past few days. [Us, NYP, E!]
♦ How's Guy doing? Don't worry about him: He could walk away with as much as $250 mil. in a settlement since he and Madonna never had a prenup. [NYP]
♦ A sex tape starring Peter Cook and Diana Bianchi may be out there, although Cook's lawyers are still saying he has "no knowledge" it exists. [P6]
♦ David Duchovny and Tea Leoni have officially split up. We're as shocked as you are [E!]
♦ Raffaello Follieri didn't just swindle adults. He also tricked a 15-year-old girl by promising to get her Anne Hathaway's autograph and then never coming though. Now she's suing him. [NYDN]

When fighting a highly publicized custody battle with the modeling industry's reigning Good Girl Next Door, it's probably not the smartest move to give Al Goldstein and Larry Flynt a run for their money as dirtiest old man. But that's just what pervy adulterer Peter Cook did yesterday while testifying against original Uptown Girl Christie Brinkley. Providing us with a handy preview of Rob Lowe's inevitable court date fighting for his straight-laced honor, the hottie architect let loose a series of confessions involving adorably vintage tales of web cam masturbation, office sex, and hush money hidden behind paintings. Read on for the sordid admissions that caused Cook to reach for a hankie and cry jurors a river.

The divorce trial of the year (week? month?) between Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook got underway today and the crack team at Fox News is all over it. "America's Newsroom" host Megyn Kelly fawned over Christie's svelte figure— she's "looking fan-freaking-tastic"—while her male counterpart Greg Jarrett classily referred to Diana Bianchi as a "homewrecker." We're not quite sure if "homewrecker" is exactly the term you should be using to describe a naive teenage girl lured into a relationship by her much older boss (who's also famously fond of cocaine and porn), but, hey it's Fox! It's always the woman's fault! Video after the jump.

• Good to know that even though Madonna and Guy Ritchie's relationship is on the rocks, their spiritual lives remain intact. Madonna spent the weekend in New York and attended the Kabbalah center in Midtown on Friday and Saturday; Guy paid a visit to the center in London. [People]

• The messy divorce case between Peter Cook and Christie Brinkley has just gotten messier. Days after a judge ruled that the trial would be kept open, it was revealed that Cook handed over $300,000 to Diana Bianchi, the 20-year-old girl he cheated on Brinkley with, in exchange for a promise that she wouldn't sue him for sexual harassment or discuss the affair. Of course, the cash won't prevent her from speaking out in court if she's called to testify. [NYP]

• Neighbors say that Mel Gibson's seven kids are "holy terrors," running wild and toilet-papering all kosher homes along the Pacific Coast Highway. [Page Six]
• Meanwhile, the prosecutor who filed DUI charges against Mel Gibson, Ralph Shapiro, has been removed from the case, presumably because he is a "fucking Jew." [TMZ]
• And finally, you just might be able to listen to Mel's anti-Semitic rant on your cell phone. Best ringtone ever. If you're in Beirut, we mean. [Scoop]
• The online profile belonging to Diana Bianchi, the girl who slept with Christie Brinkley's husband Peter Cook, reveals that she's a bit of a skankypuss. We're just as shocked as you are. [R&M]
• Because of the weight he gained for his role in Chapter 27, Jared Leto developed gout. Next, he'll get scurvy to score a part in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. [Page Six]
• Daily News gossipette Lloyd Grove is back! And writing about Tori Spelling! We missed your banality, darling. [Lowdown]

"There are only two kinds of cases I won't take. I won't take a pedophile I believe to be guilty and I won't take a terrorist."

• Anti-Semite Mel Gibson had been deeply depressed before he was arrested for his DUI; the incident was "a death wish." Alas, Gibson may still be alive, but no doubt he really killed his career. 50% ain't bad for an alchy. [Deadline Hollywood]
• But seriously, he's NOT an anti-Semite. He's just really, really pro-Jesus. [AP]
• Hard Rock heir Harry Morton lost his sister to a drug overdose, and he'll be damned if he loses his girlfriend Lindsay Lohan to the same fate. Hope Harry's been working out, because it's going to take some muscle to pry that twenty out of her nose. [R&M]
• When Diana Bianchi slept with Christie Brinkley's husband Peter Cook, nobody won — except for Fawn Gettling, a video studies major at the Art Institute of New York City who made a quick bundle with a documentary she'd made about a then-unknown Bianchi and her struggle with anorexia and bulimia. [Page Six]
• A waitress claims that restaurateur Brian McNally hit her after she threw a glass at him. Of course, they were fighting about Israel and Hezbollah, so this is all perfectly understandable. This war really does serve as the universal excuse. [Page Six]

Check out this sweet lil' piece of inevitability. Available only in the babiest of blues and hand-crafted by the artisans of American Apparel, the teasingly retro "Hot Piece of Twat" shirt commemorates the love trifecta of Peter Cook, Christie Brinkley, and Diana Bianchi. Wear it proudly, and as the startled eyes of friends, family, and clergy widen in moderate irritation, you'll smirk with satisfaction. O, how you'll smirk.

Today's Post asks the question on everyone's mind: Should Hillary Rodham Clinton return campaign donations from a known adulterer Peter Cook, who cheated on Christie Brinkley with hot piece of twat Diana - eh, you know it all by now. Clinton couldn't tell The Post whether or not she'd give back Cook's $13,000 in donations. Neither did she tell the paper if she'd give back the cash raised at the recent fundraiser hosted by known adulterer Rupert Murdoch, whose affair with Wendi Deng ended his thirty-six year marriage to second wife Anna, although presumably they didn't ask her that one. In any event, we're more interested in the picture here:

Post gossip dowager Cindy Adams has gone above and beyond the call of duty today, acting as a beleagured-but-proud emissary on behalf of aged model Christie Brinkley's estranged, philandering husband, Peter Cook. She is but a messenger, and it is her duty — both as a journalist and wizened carrier pigeon — to get Cook's message to Brinkley via the intimate front page of the Post: "I love my wife. I have loved her since the day I met her. Please . . . I love her...For a lifetime I've tried to prove how much I love her. This is an aberration...I'm sorry. I'm contrite. I'm stupid. Foolish. No excuse."

This is a bit longer a clip than we might usually take your time with, but the creep factor makes it worth a look. It's videographist "Boss Tweed's" mashup of legendary sexolutionary Helen Gurley Brown giving advice on how to have an affair, run over news clips and other ephemera relating to the love triangle between philanderin' Peter Cook, forsaken ex-model Christie Brinkley, and homewrecking youth Diana Bianchi. Dates from the time where you could say "affair" without necessarily meaning "extramarital," but you can nevertheless thrill to observations like "Even pretty little slips of girls love to be called fascinating and funny!" and "Admire her character — even if she doesn't have any!". Strangely, no mention of "twat."

Speaking of Christie Brinkley, if her new CoverGirl ad is any indication, she's still a little bitter about the whole thing.

Is it really any wonder that 19-year-old Southampton townie Diana Bianchi took off her pants for Christie Brinkley's husband, Peter Cook? Unearthing his 1981 GQ cover stint, it's clear that the man knows how to hammock his banana. Say what you will about his bad behavior, but Cook's hotness is stronger than all the Aquanet they used in that cover shoot, and not even the passage of 25 years can take that away from him.

• By pursuing a libel case agains the National Enquirer in UK courts, Britney Spears wins over the tab's claim that she and Kevin Federline are splitting. The British and Irish editions will print a rare apology, which is all fine and good — but why the hell hasn't she sued Bazaar over that frightening cover shoot? [R&M (last item)]
• Aspiring pop singer and experienced Lolita Diana Bianchi can't carry a tune. God thing she still has a future serving as some sort of twat. [Lowdown]
• Justin Timberlake tries to convince the world he's not a pussy by proclaiming that he's "done way too many drugs." [Spin]
• Film critic Joel Siegel walks out of a screening of Clerks II, deeming it smut. The scene that set him off involved a discussion of a woman performing sexual acts on a donkey, which obviously brings up a lot of painful memories for Siegel. [Page Six]
• E! censors Voice gossip Michael Musto when he appears on The Simple Life to interview Paris Hilton. The offending phrase: "Are you a fag hag?" Apparently network execs didn't want anyone to even raise the issue of Hilton's hagginess. [Page Six]
• John Cusack scores a restraining order against his stalker who, we'll have you know, does not appear to have used the Stalker Map to harm Lloyd Dobler. [Reuters]

Today in the media's heart-stoppingly exciting coverage of Peter Cook, the Southampton architect who ruined his marriage to fermented supermodel Christie Brinkley by sleeping with his 19-year-old assistant Diana Bianchi: 29-year-old Hamptonite Samantha Cole re-announces that she slept with Peter Cook too, you know. Cole, a pop singer who recorded one or two dance songs last century and is eager to remind the world of her existence, notes that the affair with Bianchi almost mirrors her own experience with Cook 10 years ago, who she then worked for and slept with when she too was 19. Perhaps, then, fresh-faced Diana Bianchi might want to take note of Cole's aesthetic fate.