Charlie Sheen has finally caught a break from the onslaught of relentlessly negative publicity surrounding his ongoing divorce from estranged, Sambora-smooching wife Denise Richards, as a jailed pimp reminded Page Six of Sheen's All-American, straight-guy-with-too-much-money appetite for hookers dressed as cheerleaders:
The accusations of violence, drugs, gay porn, whoremongering, lying, bad mothering, and publicity-whoring in the Great Charlie Sheen/Denise Richards Divorce War (please assign the preceding transgressions to either party as you see fit) were already damaging enough. But if you doubted for even a second that Sheen and Richards were hurtling toward mutually assured tabloid destruction, consider the gossip Apocalypse that Team Richards is calling down from the heavens by invoking David Spade's love life. (Quick recap: Richards is angered that Spade—who is seeing Richards ex-bff Heather Locklear, we think—called the gay divorcée a backstabber for dating Richie Sambora, who is divorcing Locklear. Got it? Good. We're shooting ourselves in the gut with a nail gun for typing that out.) Says Page Six:
The ugly he-said-she's-a-lying-publicity-whore/ she-said-he's-a-violent- pill-abusing-whoremonger- with-a-taste-for-jailbait-porn fallout from the public disclosure of Denise Richard's divorce declaration last Friday continues to contaminate everything in its path, with estranged husband Charlie Sheen's manager expressing his outrage that the couple's messy split is being played out in nasty soundbites in the press by issuing a nasty soundbite to Page Six:
• Denise Richards' divorce from Charlie Sheen is shaping up to be the sort of celebrity tempest that could make Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger look weak. Now Sheen's friends are talking to the press — the more nasty opinions, the merrier! [Page Six]
• And while Denise Richards seeks solace in the arms of Richie Sambora, Heather Locklear opts for wound-licking courtesy of David Spade. [Us Weekly]
• When Rosie O'Donnell heads to The View, we'll be praying that she'll accuse Star Jones of pooping soup on-air. That's Emmy material. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Pete Doherty generously shares his needle with a fan. Who happens to be unconscious. If she ever wakes up, she'll no doubt appreciate the gesture. [Sun UK]
• Is Jessica Simpson's flack Rob Shuter planting nasty quotage about Nick Lachey? Is water wet? [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Daniel Baldwin is arrested for cocaine, making him the little-known but totally fun brother. [CourtTV]
• Let's make sure we get this right: We're not to cast our eyes upon George Clooney, but we are supposed to listen to his pleas for Darfur? Doesn't work that way, George. Let us stalk you, and we'll happily fight genocide. [ITV]
• Us Weekly announces that Britney Spears is pregnant again. You sleep with K-Fed once, fine. We all make mistakes. But to let that thing into your pants twice? That's cause for a public stoning. Meanwhile: sculptors, please get started on your new pieces. [Us Weekly]
• Nick Lachey feels the sting of Jann Wenner's cruel editorship: after sitting down for an interview thinking it would be for the cover of Rolling Stone, he was surprised to find himself on the cover of Us instead. That's what he gets for not talking more shit about his creepy former father-in-law. [Page Six]
• Desperate Housewife Teri Hatcher continues to solicit pity in her new memoir. At any rate, we pity her for actually writing the thing. [R&M]
• West Winger wunderwriter Aaron Sorkin takes his crack-smoking past and turns it into art. Naturally, Matthew Perry has a co-starring role. [Page Six]
• Yesterday we declared Denise Richards to be one of the dumbest rocks to ever rest in the celebrity garden, but maybe we misjudged. By playing nice with the paparazzi, Richards maintains the upper hand in the celebrity weekly war. [Lowdown]
• Rather than put in 240 hours of community service for drunk driving, Lost star Michelle Rodriguez opts for 5 days in the slammer. Bitch is hardcore. [TMZ]
• Proving that she's perhaps the most idiotic woman in the world, Denise Richards — already in the running for the crown thanks to her decision to marry Charlie Sheen — is now hooking up with Heather Locklear's ex, Richie Sambora. [Page Six]
• And speaking of Sheen, Richards thinks he might have had something to do with porn star Chloe Jones' death last year after Jones sold a story to the National Enquirer claiming Sheen paid her $15K for sex. Richards claims that Sheen doesn't deny involvement. [R&M]
• Maury Povich has been cheating on Connie Chung. If these two are in the news, then thank God the 80s are back yet again! [NYDN]
• You have to admire the insanity of queen flack Peggy Siegal, who claims that United 93 is the hottest screening in town. [Lowdown]
• Toby Maguire gets engaged to his girlfriend of the past three years, Jennifer Meyer, whose father is Universal head Ron Meyer. And that, drama students, is how you secure a career in Hollywood. [Page Six]
Hollywood is still reeling from the shocking accusations about Charlie Sheen that surfaced Friday in a sworn statement made by ex-wife Denise Richards, in which the actress detailed Sheen's history of verbal and physical abuse and his penchant for faux-underage porn. ETonline now reports Richards has been photographed kissing blindsided Heather Locklear divorce casualty Richie Sambora. ET showed Sheen the pictures, to which he made the witty, lyric-appropriate comment, "Those two give love a bad name." (Yes, he really said that.) He also tells ET that the "allegations are 'baseless' and a 'smear campaign.'" While Mary Hart may be easy to convince, we're less so, especially after reading transcripts of six voicemails allegedly left by Sheen for Richards last April when she was still pregnant with the couple's second child, made available today by The Smoking Gun. An excerpt:
Charlie Sheen's already responded with a statement about estranged wife Denise Richard's abuse/drug/gambling/bisexual online porn allegations (short version: divorce "smear campaign"), but all this nastiness can't be good for Sheen's new line of clothing for girls (or as Gawker points out, People's coverage of tomorrow's Sheen Kids launch party). They might not be able to move product to scandalized parents, but there's always opportunities for nimble entrepreneurs willing to make their own breaks, who could easily resell Sheen's soon-to-be overstocked kiddie skirts to the pigtailed, clean-shaven talent pretending to be jailbait that allegedly got him into this mess in the first place.
So Denise Richards' lawyer went to court today, alleging that Richards' estranged husband Charlie Sheen has pushed her and threatened to kill her — that is, when he's not looking at gay and/or underage porn or working on his hooker hobby. Sadly, we doubt anyone in American even blinks at this "revelation," and even we couldn't find a humorous enough take on this to merit a quick post.
The shit has officially hit the fan (and by "shit" we mean the abuse shit, the drug shit, the gambling shit, and the online ambisexual jailbait porn shit) in the Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards divorce proceedings, as the actress has filed a mindblowing declaration today detailing the disintegration of their marriage. The Smoking Gun has the document, summarizing the "we knew Charlie was kind of a sickie, but my god" contents thusly:
A 7 months pregnant Denise Richards has changed the locks to her and Charlie Sheen's San Fernando Valley home, according to Us Weekly. Lawyers for each side have "signed an agreement that said Charlie would stay away," a source says. "She is focusing on her family's well-being." Meanwhile, a Sheen pal has reportedly purchased a stripper pole for Charlie's house parties. Oh, this is fantastic. Anyone else wish they could have been out with Charlie the night after Denise filed for divorce? He should have auctioned off a spot as "Sheen wingman" on eBay. As for the "family's well-being," frankly, we don't understand how the first kid turned out okay. The man's blood type is, like, XXX at this point. So the question is, exactly how many heads is the new baby going to have? We have three in the Gawker office pool. —NH
Us Weekly
A 7 months pregnant Denise Richards has changed the locks to her and Charlie Sheen's San Fernando Valley home, according to Us Weekly. Lawyers for each side have "signed an agreement that said Charlie would stay away," a source says. "She is focusing on her family's well-being." Meanwhile, a Sheen pal is said to have purchased a stripper pole for Sheen's house parties. Oh, this is fantastic. Anyone else wish they could have been out with Charlie the night after Denise filed for divorce? He should have auctioned off a spot as "Sheen wingman" on eBay. As for the "family's well-being," frankly, we don t quite understand how the first kid turned out okay. The man s bloodtype is, like, XXX. Needless to say, the odds are against them with the second one. So the question is, exactly how many heads is this baby going to have? We have 3 in the Gawker office pool. —NH
It s a sad day in Famousville: Actress Denise Richards has filed for divorce from her husband, Charlie Sheen, citing irreconcilable differences (we think that delightfully vague excuse has something to do with Sheen s increasingly close relationship with Angelina Jolie Jon Cryer). The couple already has a 1 year-old daughter, Sam, and more interestingly, Richards is currently 6 months pregnant with their second spawn. Wow, Denise how very Crudup of you.
We don't normally pay attention to Playboy (seeing as pretty much everyone on slaveship Gawker prefers to ogle naked men), but the December cover has us wondering if the art and photo directors are smoking some nasty meth. The Post's preppy perv Jared Paul Stern says it all:
