Jessica Simpson might be pregnant, unless it's just an unflattering shirt. Demi and Ashton might be breaking up. Lindsay Lohan gets reinvented as "Lyndsy." Nicole Richie's boobs look big. Wednesday gossip is hysterical about pregnancy.

Megan Fox reassures the world that she is neither robot nor android. Underlings must "turn their faces to a wall" when Madonna walks by. Jane Lynch started smoking at the age of 12. Demi Moore tweets a "topless" picture. Tuesday gossip is practicing human emotions.

Here's the mobile command center from which Ashton Kutcher will shmooze D-list tech moguls and emasculate sex traffickers between takes of Two and a Half Men, the CBS sitcom he agreed to save after star Charlie Sheen accidentally swallowed a softball-sized crack rock and went crazy. If it seems a bit...much, well, you're obviously a Hollywood outsider. 53-foot-long, 1,100-square-foot "rolling estates" are de rigueur among top-tier television stars. Of course, not all of them are custom outfitted with a Kabbalahcize studio and 24-hour raw food bar, but Kutcher commands that kind of attention to luxury. [Daily Mail, photo via AndersonMobileEstates.com]

Here's a trailer for the financial thriller (such a thing exists in these economic crater times) Margin Call, a fictionalized look at the real story of the hours before the financial world near collapsed in 2008. Sounds exciting?

Famous Twitter user Ashton Kutcher is extremely upset at the Village Voice. The paper wrote a cover story making fun of him and bashing his anti-sex trafficking efforts. Now he will make sure no company advertises in the paper or on its site, ever.

The LAPD has seized on Los Angeles' most valuable natural resource, celebrities, for help in broadcasting a highway closure. They've reached out to Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Lady Gaga and others to tweet the news.

Who was the little girl holding her ears on the balcony? Where are Kate and Will going on their honeymoon? And why can't Angelina "Trashbags" Pivarnick be as happy as those two? Saturday gossip is wearing lace sleeves.

How do we know Silicon Valley is inflating an unsustainable tech investment bubble? Because Hollywood dope Ashton Kutcher and his technologically enhanced mate Demi Moore have somehow become mascots for tech investment. Sell, by God. Sell!

Oh dear. Ashton Kutcher and his old lady Demi Moore are apparently, and justifiably, upset about human trafficking. So upset, in fact, that they called up some of their celebrity friends — Justin Timberlake, Jamie Foxx, the Old Spice guy - and had them make anti-slavery ads. Good for them! Too bad the ads are completely befuddling.

Charlie Sheen goes to extreme lengths to prove he's not on drugs. Natalie Portman wears a cheap dress. Lil Wayne gets searched. Inside Kelsey Grammer's emotional wedding. Sunday Gossip Roundup, coming up!

It turns out Jennifer Aniston isn't completely unlovable, because living Abercrombie polo Ashton Kutcher wants to go out on a date with her. Kutcher was on the BBC this weekend talking about how he wants a date with the perpetually single Aniston to win a $1,000 bet he made with a friend in college, and he's not letting his wife, Demi Moore, get in the way either.

Ashton Kutcher and ageless simulacra of a human female Demi Moore lounge on a beach on the Caribbean. Ashton's book? The Youth Pill: Scientists at the Brink of an Anti-Aging Revolution. Or, as Demi likes to call it, "All the Scientists I'm Going to Bribe for Experimental Cosmetic Procedures Next Week." [Image via INF]

Oprah Winfrey appointed Maria Shriver to guest edit a "poetry issue" of O magazine. Does the former newscaster/first lady of California have an MFA in creative writing we don't know about? And what's Demi Moore got to do with it?

Ashton and Demi ignore a chorus of boos in Brazil. Charlie Sheen's rehab center is actually just his house. Glee apologizes to Lindsay Lohan. Helen Bonham Carter praises her own "huge breasts." Tuesday gossip is enhanced with video.

How much would you pay for the picture Courtney Love tweeted of her ladyparts? Or Katy Perry sans makeup? Soon, magazines and blogs will probably pay thousands of dollars. A paparazzi photo agency is taking over celebrities' Twitter pictures.

Aguilera was a sexy cop for Halloween. Paris Hilton and Rachel Zoe were sexy Native Americans. Fearing his client's impending death, Charlie Sheen's manager makes a home visit. Portia de Rossi once weighed 82 lbs. Monday's gossip roundup needs candy.

[Demi Moore wears the pelts of a thousand abominable snowmen at a charity event in Austria. Image via INF.]

Ashton Kutcher on wife Demi: "A lot of times my wife and I sit across from each other and tweet… it's the same reason you send roses to a woman at work. Sometimes people like to be adored in public."

The recording industry's Chosen One questions the machine that created him. Ashton and Demi "share love" in Israel. George Michael gets out of prison. Crystal Bowersox weds in a hemp dress decorated with seashells. Monday gossip has doubts.

Posh reveals the secret to loving a guy with a ridiculous voice. Ashton's self-proclaimed mistress says he and Demi are swingers. Amy Winehouse says she's been clean for three years. Toni Braxton files for bankruptcy again. Thursday gossip has arrived.