Admittedly, I'm new to this Defamer thing, making it a tough call whether or not to run a reader submitted tip. But this one was so juicy, I'm going for it:

· There are ways to enjoy free music other than downloading it, ya gonefs! Two shows, no charge: catch Toys That Kill , at the Echo and then run, run, run over to Spaceland to see Run Run Run end their Monday night residency there.
· Catch Alan Alda reading from his book Never Have Your Dog Stuffed And Other Things I ve Learned at Book Soup tonight, and see if he follows his Crime and Misdemeanor character Lester's priceless show business advice. ("If it bends, it's funny. If it breaks, not funny.")
· The Linwood Dunn theater is hosting Oscar Docs: The First 20 Years of Academy Award-Winning Documentaries. Screening as part of the series is a little-known World War II propaganda film written by none other than Dr. Seuss called Hitler Lives. I don't recall that one being adapted into a cherished picture book, however.

Another former MiramaxClassic employee shares further heartstring-tugging details about their impromptu "Drink-the-Kool-Aid" farewell party Thursday night at Barney's Beanery:

I'm not just fascinated with ber-Publicist/White Witch Queen of Narnia Pat Kingsley: I want to be her. Oh, to be gliding around town in my polar bear-drawn sleigh, turning Access Hollywood producers to stone with a wave of my wand while feeding Brooke Shields 'magic' Turkish Delight that will "make all the pain go away." The Guardian gets up close and personal with Pitiless Pat, whose career spans back to clients Doris Day and Nathalie Wood. There's precious little in the piece covering what we really care about i.e., the volume and timbre of her cackling at Tom Cruise's career trajectory since he fired her but there are some morsels worth savoring:

There's all kinds of goodies in the Defamer tip box: Ben & Jerry's coupons, Peruvian currency, little notes that say 'Next time, don't screw up my order.' But once in a while, there's something truly special, like this report of a MiramaxClassic staff reunion. Attended by Harvey Weinstein himself:

99: [Looking at an image of a mushroom cloud] Oh, Max what a terrible weapon of destruction.

What would it take to crown the biggest scumbag in Hollywood history? It would seem a task of Sisyphean dimensions; a single floor of any Century City highrise at any given moment could provide a handful of deserving candidates at least. So again what would it take? How about a guy who ahem, allegedly fleeces $5.5 million dollars mostly from churchgoers like "Rosa Valdez, a widow who invested almost $100,000 through her pastor at Desert Bloom Ministries church in Whittier," in exchange for the opportunity to get in on the ground floor of a very make-believe "riveting television series based on the newly created U.S. Department of Homeland Security."

· SAG elects Alan Rosenberg and his radical 'Membership First' faction to power with 10 of the 11 available seats, with the remaining seat going to a moderate (but decidedly more evening-glamorous) Morgan Fairchild. In a stirring speech for the ages delivered from the roof of the Beverly Center, Rosenberg announces that the streets of LA will "run with the blood of those who aren't on the same DVD-residuals page as we are." [Variety]
· In further Guild election news, Michael Apted is re-elected to another two-year term as DGA president, and "said he was looking forward to working with new SAG president Alan Rosenberg," to which Rosenberg replied: "Two words, Apted: DVD. Residuals. Or your head's on a stick." [Variety]
· NYPD Blue creator Steven Bochco signs a multi-year development deal with Touchstone Television. First up on the development slate is Murder Over There Rock, a groundbreaking musical series that explores the shooting of one Iraqi insurgent over an entire season. [Variety]
· Universal's purchase of DreamWorks is still far from closed at the end of their two-month period of exclusive talks, largely due to Spielberg being tied up on the Munich set in Malta. We presume the production was forced to relocate from Budapest after Hungarian locals grew weary of being required to refer to the director as "Your Most Excellent All-Powerful Supreme Eminence," not to mention his preferred method of transportation, the backs of their children and elderly. [Variety]
· Nicole Kidman will star in and produce a film adaptation of Jules Bass' comic novel Headhunters for Fox 2000, "centering on four New Jersey women who jet to Monte Carlo and pretend to be rich heiresses in hopes of landing wealthy husbands." Kidman's reps released an enthusiastic statement, saying "in the vein of The Stepford Wives and Bewitched, Nicole is once again thrilled to have the opportunity to not make audiences laugh." [Variety]

Excuse me for a moment while I retrieve my lower jaw off the floor those "bone-chillingly accurate predictions" I intrepidly pulled out of my ass on Friday ended up being pretty darned close! Forget 'blogger.' I'm now calling myself 'entertainment consultant.' For $450 an hour I'll tell you what Staind song to run over your closing credits.

Somewhere deep in the bowels of their Beverly Hills headquarters, a Star Chamber of red-cloaked Kabbalic High Priests is sharing a jubilant, demented, crescendoing laugh: Saturday night, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore (or as they refer to her, 'our Rosemary') tied the knot, aka 'smashed the glass.' Us Weekly claims the scoop, and we're inclined to give it to them, lest they solicit our 13-year-old ass for sex over the internet, too:

Why, hello again! It's me! Your doll-faced, doe-eyed, lamb-natured guest editor Seth here! Did you miss me? No? You want Mark back? Tough! You'll get Mark back when I'm good and ready to untie him from the sling in my sex dungeon/giftwrapping room when he returns from his trip. I hope you had a fun weekend! Mine was great! I went to a packed Grove on Saturday. You can't throw a rock there without hitting someone famous! For example, standing directly behind me in the movie theater ticket line? The O.C.'s Adam Brody! I found it to be cosmically significant. I mean, he plays Seth, my name's Seth; he listens to Death Cab for Cutie, I've heard of Death Cab for Cutie; he loves Summer, I love summer. It goes on and on. I didn't bother him though. He already seemed a little annoyed at me for the whole rock-throwing incident. Okay, enough chit-chat. Big news day. Let's go!

· Paris Hilton is cleared by the Baltimore police department of charges she "loosened-up" minors for her reality show cameras with drugs and alcohol. A statement from Ms. Hilton as to the hotness of the findings has yet to be released.
· If you, like me, refer to the day The Comeback was cancelled as 'Black Monday,' there is something you can do: sign this petition to bring my poor Valerie back. Hasn't she been through enough?
· Look! Gay unicorns!
· Look! Lesbian Sasquatches!
· Coffee's one thing, but coke is another." Jennifer Love Hewitt weighs in with some sage advice for a beleaguered Kate Moss. This chick's seen ghosts! She knows! Mmkay?!

Still with me? Hang in there! We're almost done! I'll let you in on a little secret: this Defamer stuff isn't as easy as it looks! You should all be nicer to Mark. Or Maria. Or whatever gets off that plane.
Friday:
· Love, Bukowski opens at the California Repertory Company, showcasing a unique performance of Charles Bukowski s work. If all you know about Bukowski can be summed up by 'Mickey Rourke' and 'drank a lot,' you should probably check it out. And by 'you,' I mean 'I.'
· Meet Jon Polito and Jeff Inspiration for The Big Lebowski's 'The Dude' Dowd at the Laemmle Fairfax Theatre, then take in a screening of Polito s new film, Charlie The Ox. If all you know about Lebowski is 'Jeff Bridges' and 'smoked up a lot,' you should probably...I think you see where this is going.
Saturday
· Perfect for the long-distance runner who watches too much VH1: Nike Run Hit Wonder. Run a 5- or 10-k around the Los Angeles Coliseum while being serenaded by Joan Jett, The Donnas, Fountains of Wayne, and DJ Z-Trip. Just try not to trip while you zip.
· "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball." No truer words have ever been spoken. Prove them correct at the Mork & Mindy Co-Ed Classic Dodgeball Tournament at the Bellevue Rec Center: 1980s-style fun for all ages and skill levels. Please don't show up coked up in a red unitard.
Sunday
· If seeing Uncle Jesse playing the congos with a legendary band or seeing Gary Sinise perform in a band named after his character from Forrest Gump sounds like a good time, then this show is for you: The Beach Boys featuring special guest John Stamos, Gary Sinise & the Lt. Dan Band and more at the Greek Theater. I have no idea what any of this means but the intern sent it to me and I'm too exhausted to rewrite it. (See 'Defamer: harder than looks.')

Maybe all that crap Don Johnson was spewing after the Emmys last weekend television becoming the dominant medium, movies becoming a "boutique business," his new WB series Just Legal being our generation's Birth of a Nation, etc. wasn't so crazy after all. The LA Times reports today that the once taboo act of film auteurs "crossing over" to the realm of television (I believe the technical term is 'slumming') is not so taboo anymore:

Kindly speak in hushed tones as we move our entire bodyweight up the legs, over the buttocks and across the torso of our deserving sponsors. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and receive similar toxin-releasing treatment, see this page.

We aren't the type to kick a girl when she's down. Who are we kidding, of course we are. You can just imagine the art department meeting: Johnny shows up with a scrapbook full of old photos and a head full of memories. Tim sketches fiendishly. A Bride is Born.

This will go down as the season a trio of gigantic bitches with names out of a Russ Meyer movie kill, killed the box-office: first Katrina, then Emmy, and now Rita. And don't forget our other local disasters: the blackout (I call that one "Tara Reid") and that citywide swampy poo smell (also, "Tara Reid"). But if we were to stay away from the megaplexes this weekend, the hurricanes and second-string awards shows would win! Get out there and fulfill the destiny of my Nostradamic, bone-chillingly accurate predictions:

Now that the burnt rubber smoke has dissipated and the runway rubble has been squared away, we are getting a clearer picture of just how star-studded the semi-doomed JetBlue Flight 292 actually was:

· UPN appears to have a hit on its hands with Everybody Hates Chris, producing "the highest opening-night numbers for a comedy in UPN's 10-year history," and outperforming NBC's Joey and Fox's The O.C. Joey writers look on in stunned bewilderment, wondering what more audiences could ask for than a semi-retarded protagonist making his way through a hackneyed world.[THR]
· Universal Pictures awards Joss Whedon a seven figure paycheck for Goner, "the story of a young woman's journey that involves a great deal of horror and some heroics." We applaud the audacity of this radical departure from the thematic content of his other projects, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the Wonder Woman movie. [Variety]
· Francis Ford Coppola announces a return to the director's chair after an eight-year hiatus with a "self-financed, low-budget pic to lense in Bucharest," Youth Without Youth. We understand Sofia pulled some strings to get him the gig, but he'll have to settle for names like "Tim Roth" and "Bruno Ganz" while his daughter lunches several notches above in Murray territory.[Variety]
· Martha Stewart's yawny Apprentice clone didn't connect with viewers, and her stock's price suffers. Perhaps next week she should try crumpling up that goodbye letter and shoving it down the loser's throat, in quite the same way she force feeds her geese to make delightful foie gras.[Variety]
· Robert Redford and Paul Newman unite once again on screen, as part of Sundance Channel's new six-part documentary profile series Iconoclasts. Ten minutes of the episode are devoted to Redford chewing Newman out for ruining The Hustler with that crappy Tom Cruise sequel. [Variety]

Besides Celebrity Death Pool, is there any other more deliciously schadenfreudic game of Hollywood Grim Reaperdom than guessing which of the new crop of network shows will be cancelled first? If you bet on Fox's Head Cases, aka Showcase for the Many Annoying Facets of Adam Goldberg, it's time to collect the pot: