Noted Italian cuisine enthusiast and non-wife-murderer Robert Blake still has the matter of that civil suit weighing heavily on him, which awarded his slain spouse's family $30 million in damages—a sum Blake will likely have trouble coming up with no matter how many of his "dozens" of post-acquittal job offers he accepts. Today, Blake's lawyer filed an appeal, claiming, among other things, "juror misconduct."

The NY Times recently had the opportunity to trail legendary Hollywood creature of the night, Jeremy Piven (whom they claim we "rag" on, though we like to think of it as exaltation). Piven was in town for the premiere of his new movie at the Tribeca Film Festival, a cinematic exploration of Bar Mitzvah one-upmanship called Keeping Up With the Steins. Like a man who has spent perhaps one too many hours at home rehearsing speed-talking monologues into a full-length mirror, Piven worked/confused the crowd of reporters like an ADD-afflicted pro:

· Monday music round-up: KT Tunstall has an in-store at Tower Records in Sherman Oaks; Soul Position (featuring RJD2 and Blueprint) at The Echo; The Bronx and Your Enemies Friends at Spaceland.
· Augusten Burroughs, who will soon watch Hollywood adapt his life for the big screen, signs Possible Side Effects at a Book Soup-sponsored event at Café-Club Fais Do-Do.
· Stephen Farber's Reel Talk series screens Wah-Wah at the Wadsworth Theatre, featuring Gabriel Byrne, Emily Watson and Miranda Richardson. Director Richard Grant will be there in the flesh to personally accept your adulation or patiently sit through your questions that are really thinly veiled plugs for your own career.

Having quickly admitted defeat in their last attempt at launching a hit comedy series with The Comeback, HBO has abandoned the treacherous terrain of the has-been actress psyche for the relatively upbeat milieu of the war in Iraq:

Saturday's LAT postulated the imminent obsolescence of the chihuahua as the must-have accessory amongst celebrities who may or may not realize they're toting around a living thing in their purses, noting a high-profile surge in the popularity of pugs:

Even with all the hand-wringing about M:i:III's disappointing $48 million opening, it's a little too high a box office total for us to track every person who turned out for it this weekend. Still, we feel compelled to pass along this reader report about a notable moviegoer paying his respects:

With the widely rumored press conference never having materialized, the world is still waiting on a definitive answer as to whether or not Britney Spears is pregnant with her second child. Spears has her burgeoning acting career to focus on in the meantime, however. As you may recall, a recent appearance on Will & Grace had producers falling all over themselves to find the perfect, not entirely disparaging words of faint praise for their guest star's acting talent, and there were rumors she might even be getting her own show. But according to British tabloid (red flag #1) the Sunday Mirror, Spears' fired (red flag #2) acting coach thinks her stagecraft might not be quite there:

While some of Tom Cruise's pals from the mothership clearly failed in their mission to support Scientology's brightest light on his big day, at least one other emissary did her part to make sure a local theater was packed with a Cruise-friendly contingent. Reported an operative on Saturday night:

· A bright red "breaking story" tag lets us know that we're supposed to care about this more than other news right now: The Beatles (Apple Corps) have lost their trademark case against Apple Computers, but plan to appeal. You can continue to indulge your iTunes addiction without interruption. [Variety]
· Benicio Del Toro is onboard and Halle Berry is in "negotiations" to join him in the highly buzzed about DreamWorks project Things We Lost in the Fire, about a recent widow who invites her dead husband's "troubled best friend" to live with her. We suspect that sweaty, troubled-best-friend-sex will be crucial to the grieving process. [THR]
· All is not lost for M:i:III, which takes in $70.3 million abroad. South Koreans seem especially excited for Tom Cruise's return to blockbusterdom. [Variety]
· TiVo is launching a service which will allow its users to search for and watch "extended commercials" from one minute to one hour in length. Meanwhile, they're perfecting technology that will summon a representative from one of their featured advertisers to a viewer's home with a single button press, where the rep will kick the targeted consumer in the genitals while shouting their product's jingle through a megaphone. [THR]
· News to us: M:i:III wasn't the only movie screening at last week's Tribeca Film Festival. [Variety]

The ten-year marriage between two global monoliths of mass-market junk nourishment—McDonald's and Disney—will soon be coming to an end, according to the LAT, as the fast food chain has had second thoughts about helping contribute to an America in which hypertension-suffering 9-year-olds shop for back-to-school wear in the "Obese Lil' Miss" section of Wal-Mart. We can't help but feel a twinge of sadness as the iconic arches and ears go their separate ways, however, knowing that it's the last time we'll be able to admire our Captain Jack Sparrow Pull-Back-Motor Haunted Go-Ship while simultaneously gorging on deep-fried chicken byproduct units drenched in the dipping sauce of our choice.

With M:i:III's opening weekend box office take underwhelming all but the most generous of analysts, it fell to Paramount's head of marketing and worldwide distribution, Rob Moore, to undertake the thankless task of explaining What Went Wrong for the studio. A round-up of the damage control explanations:

Thank you, Adam Sandler, for showing your peers how it's done: Quietly impregnate wife, wait nine months, post self-deprecating birth announcement on website, avoiding speculation that newborn is of alien or turkey-baster provenance. Is it really so hard?

We're compelled to pause momentarily from the hand-wringing over What M:i:III's Poor Showing Means For Society to note the second-filthiest blind item* we've ever seen on Page Six:

On this sad day, there will be no weary preamble about the restorative properties of the box office numbers:

· Relive an unforgettable week of M:i:III premiere Cruisecapades.
· The Pellicanist: Ron Meyer looks forward to their next conjugal visit.
· Warner Independent president Mark Gill politely told to "screw the penguin." Penguin, screwed. The staff stand united in silent, rubber-accessorized mourning.
· Andy Dick physicalizes his love for beer and muscled man-shoulders.
· The Charlie and Denise Show: David Spade finally finds himself attached to something entertaining. Even The Showbiz Show benefits.
· Randy Quaid and Focus reach a gentleman's agreement.
· The Sopranos blotter: Bucco booked. Perry picked-up.
· Nicole Richie spills Tinkerbell dust wherever she goes, as doctors continue to be mystified as to why she's so skinny.
· Lindsay Lohan is never less than six tabloid words away from the action.
· "Now, kids, this is your Auntie Tori, but you can just call her the bitch who stole your daddy."
· Teri Hatcher on incest, Seacrest, and her irresistible gripples.
· Maybe he would have had better luck with, "Riverside, motherfucker!"

· Can we get all the Cruise-related leftovers into a single sentence? Let's try: Tom Cruise threatens to shoot down planes, makes a crazy person cry with joy, is being stalked by three Dutch supermodels, has a surname that inspires horrible puns, and is one of the world's most popular muses for psychotic fan art.
· There was certainly a time when the phrase "Madonna to appear topless" seemed sexy, not desperate. But that time is long, long gone.
· This makes us hope that the NFL never returns to LA.
· Breaking! Courtney Love tries on clothes!

In a story that is sure to shake Hollywood's dog-psychology establishment to its very foundations, a TV producer is suing Cesar Millan, better know to National Geographic Channel viewers as "The Dog Whisperer," for the mistreatment of his beloved Lab:

Friday
· Rumor has it that it's Cinco De Mayo, the city's most beloved day of officially sanctioned public drunkenness. On the off chance that you haven't already decided on your preferred tequila supplier, LA.com's got a list of places sure to be swarmed by the amateur margarita-pounders hitting the town tonight.
· Radio host Marc Maron, formerly of Air America's Morning Sedition, returns to the stand-up thing at the UCB.
Saturday
· Derby day music round-up: The Slackers at The Troubadour; Wango Tango at the Verizon Wireless Ampitheater (featuring Cruise BFF Kanye West); Hip-hopera genius R Kelly at the Gibson Amphithetre.
· The Alex Film Society screens A Hard Day's Night, with all sorts of extra goodies for hardcore Beatles fans.
Sunday
· And still more music: Starlight Mints and Dios Malos at The Troubadour; Irving at Spaceland.
· The Echo hosts a benefit for the Edendale Branch Library, with an "irregular wine tasting," music by The Living Sisters, some readings, and a book sale.

In its continuing, valiant efforts to raise awareness for the obscure art film they're releasing today, Paramount has apparently taken its publicity assault to the skies. We've received several reports like this one this afternoon:

The only thing we love more than amusing, "only in Hollywood" stories sent in by our readers on Friday afternoon is when they are spooky and secondhand "only in Hollywood" stories that involve famous witch houses and kidnappings. So without further ado, we present "The Case of the Missing Sisters of Angeleno Heights."