· Rest assured that when Mel Gibson finally gets out of rehab, he will spare no expense to discover and eventually fuck the person responsible for defacing his city's signage. (Anyone who's been to Melibu this week can assure you that this isn't Photoshop.)
Note to the Who Killed The Electric Car? people: You might want to reconsider using Mel in your ads.
· The Mel thing really does sound so much better when you sing it.
Hey, unicorns! Rad!
There's just not enough time left today (read: we've already started drinking) to get to the jaw-dropping Joe Francis article in the LAT's West mag that will run this weekend, but we recommend that you all read it and come to class prepared on Monday. There will be a quiz.

Because self-described "devastatingly thin" actress Ellen Pompeo can't possibly be trusted as a credible authority on what she may or may not have consumed on that fateful day she ordered a Big Fat Plate Of Nothing at Lucky Devils, we contacted the operative who originally reported on the alleged non-eating incident for his response to Pompeo's public denial of his careful observation of her dining habits. Says the Defamer Special Correspondent on Suspicious Celebrity Burger Consumption:

Friday
· Former Advocate arts and entertainment editor Alonso Duralde is hosting his film series, 101 Must-See Movies For Gay Men, at the Sunset Laemmle at midnight. Tonight's selection is Carrie, which has sated many a young homosexual's fantasy of killing off their high school's prom committee with their deadly, gay mind rays.
· There's a free screening at California Plaza of Moog, a documentary that pays dutiful homage to the source of many an ELO synth solo.
· Saturday night music: Eagles of Death Metal and Peaches play a filthy/hardcore dual set at the Wiltern, Berlin (i.e. Terri Nunn and her Berlin cover band) plays the House of Blues, and Gris Gris perform at the Echo.
Saturday
· The Rock the Bells Festival (not the greatest name, but hey—it's better than Hiphopapalooza) hit the National Orange Show Fairgrounds with such high-priests of hip-hop on the bill as Wu-Tang Clan, Mos Def, Talib Kweli, and De La Soul.
· The Budget Travel Workshop teaches you how to plan and execute your attempt at finding yourself through a backpacking excursion through Europe. Be sure to check out the "Sewing a Canadian flag onto your belongings so people won't think you're American" seminar.
Sunday
· Sunday night music: Go back to a simpler time, when Anthrax was just a great band, not something that tumbled out of an envelope and burned through your palms. (At the Avalon.) Dios Malos are also playing at Alex Bar and Expatriate are at Spaceland.
· More free musical documentaries in California Plaza: Strange Fruit delves into the origins of the famous Billie Holiday classic of the same name. It's a song about lynching whose lyrics, it turns out, were written by a Jewish school teacher from the Bronx. Something to think about—that's all we're saying.

Ted Casablanca has bafflingly worded questions, you have answers. But first, set your "neck massager" to high and work out the kinks in One Gossip-Column Blind Vice again before moving on to your guesses.

In an interview with E! Online's "Watch With" Kristin, distressingly skeletal, hyperverbal TV physician Ellen Pompeo denies our operative's recent report that she ordered a "big fat plate of nothing" at Hollywood gourmet burger joint Lucky Devils and sat by patiently as her dining companions filled their stomachs. According to Pompeo, the non-eating situation our spy observed was caused by a neglectful waitstaff's failure to deliver in a timely fashion the decadent, 1200-calorie meal that her incredibly accelerated metabolism would instantly and harmlessly absorb. From the transcript of Kristin's conversation with Pompeo about the heartache of having one's every unfortunate, involuntary food abstinence observed by nosy civilians with e-mail accounts:

Flavor of Love 2 premieres this Sunday, wherein VH1 gathers a bevy of the finest streetwalking psychotics to vie for the romantic attentions of hip-hop relic/chronographic accessorizer Flavor Flav. Watch in amazement as the reality show ritual of haggling over beds quickly escalates into a weave-pulling/ bitch-slapping fiasco. According to RealityBlurred.com, however, there are even bigger, messier surprises in store this season, such as the misadventures of the contestant we'll dub Bachelorette Number Two:

The Battle of Mel Gibson continues to rage on the advertising pages of the industry's trade publications, as today's Hollywood Reporter features a two-pager by Gavin de Becker (included autobiography: "Author of Bestselling Books about Violence and Words, Bar Mitzvah 1968, Graduated Hebrew School 1969, Never Been Really Drunk, Said Plenty of Regrettable Things When Sober" ) calling out Endeavor superagent Ari Emanuel over his well-publicized, proposed boycott of the troubled, mouthy Malibu despot. While less economical than yesterday's open letter by semiprofessional ad copywriter Rob Schneider, De Becker scores more laughs by bringing up that Gibson's threat to fuck an officer on the scene probably didn't indicate a real desire to forcibly fornicate in the back of a squad car [Ed.note—Not so sure about this—he was pretty drunk and riled up by the "sugar tits" nearby. ], and his great line that he's "heard (sober) agents say things so hateful and unkind that even Deputy Mee wouldn't jot them down." He's definitely got a point on the latter observation, but it would be a massive conflict of interest for Emanuel to organize a boycott against his own profession, not to mention the chaos and looting that would instantly result along Wilshire Boulevard should thousands of agents be put out of work simultaneously. But we digress.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you became spontaneously aroused at the sight of Hilary Swank in head-to-toe Lycra.

Join us as we celebrate our love for this week's sponsors, a big, gay geyser of proud feelings that need not be concealed by a bucket hat on a 4 a.m. booty call. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and earn yourself a somewhat nonsenical expression of devotion in this space, see this page.

CBS Corp's Les Moonves' sinister plan to slowly destroy corporate rival/brother Tom Freston of Viacom proceeds apace with the announcement that CBS's film unit will produce 4 to 6 mid-budgeted movies a year, which Moonves will then use to stock Showtime and reduce the network's dependence on Freston's Paramount product. That clear? No? Just imagine Moonves kicking Freston in the balls and you've got the gist. [Variety]
Christian Bale is "close to a deal" to star opposite Russell Crowe in James Mangold's western remake 3:10 to Yuma, which has survived a disastrous history of prolonged languishing in turnaround and rumored Tom Cruise involvement long enough to finally find some financing. [THR]
· Former Project Greenlight superstar and Weinstein survivor Jon Gordon lasts just a year as president of production at Universal, but publicly bears no ill will (yet) over his ankling/shitcanning: "Obviously, this is sudden. There are talks under way and things are not resolved now. I have no animosity towards these guys. I think there is a really good team in place." Gordon plans on spending the weekend designing a full-page Variety ad thanking the studio for the opportunity to be let go. [Variety]
World Trade Center premiered in New York last night, representing a "major test" for Paramount both because it's the first true project produced by the Brad Grey regime and the fact that it contains an obvious metaphor for his leadership of the studio. Is it too soon to joke about Grey piloting planes full of laid-off employees into the Paramount watertower? [Variety]
The Fox pilot The Adventures of Big Handsome Guy and His Little Friend finds it way onto the YouTube circuit, prompting 20th Century Fox Television to announce its intention to hunt down and kill the source of the leak. [THR]

Wherein we invite our readers to grab their Bowie knives and whittle away at the skinny section of tree branch provided by embattled, humpy E! gossip-craftsman Ted Casablanca and guess the identity of his weekly blind item. This week, Ted shakes off some ongoing career controversy and takes out his frustration on the English language, offering this tantalizingly inscrutable tale of a possibly gay personality and his affection for sex toys. (We think?) Open your hearts to One Gossip-Column Blind Vice:

While minding her own business on her day off by grabbing a low-key meal on the patio of The Ivy, Los Angeles' most paparazzi-infested eating establishment, congenital dehydration sufferer Lindsay Lohan was so rattled by an utterly unforeseeable attack of renegade photographers that she reached out to the only person who could possibly save her from being crushed beneath a mob of rampaging shutterbugs: a gossip blogger. Perez Hilton shares Lohan's Sidekick distress signal:

Star Jones may be on a crusade to sniff out the rat who dared suggested there may be some sizable cracks forming in her marriage to stallion-legged husband Al Reynolds, but it will take more than threats of legal action to throw the tenacious gossip hounds of Page Six off Reynolds' suspiciously floral scent. Watch how, through the use of some carefully selected facts and turns of phrase, a simple item about someone accidentally ringing the neighbor's door at 4 a.m. manages to trumpet "Al's a Gay!" without ever saying the actual words (lightly encoded gay innuendo in boldface):

We have bad news and good news. First, the bad: The Bengali design firm to which Gawker Media outsources the production of all of its fine t-shirts is, improbably, staffed only by fundamentalist Catholics who absolutely refuse to whip us up any Mel Gibson "What do you think you're looking at, Sugar Tits?" product. We are loathe to interfere with their religious beliefs, so you'll have to look elsewhere for garments bearing that slogan.

This morning's LAT brings the shocking and previously unreported news that daredevil Malibu late-night drag-racer Mel Gibson, when not under the influence of mind-altering distilled spirits, appears "friendly," possesses the ability to communicate without expletive-laden anti-Semitic slurs, and in an astounding revelation that will completely destroy all your preconceptions about people who drunkenly mouth off about about ethnic groups against whom they may harbor quiet, ugly prejudices, has actually befriended some Jewish co-workers. Amazing:

· Here's a surefire way to annoy the special Snakes on a Plane fan in your life: Go to this website and send them a "customized" voice greeting (written, we're pretty sure, by an unpaid intern) from Samuel L. Jackson that contains no use of the word "motherfucking" whatsoever. A potentially decent idea very poorly executed—if you're gonna subject someone to a glorified movie commercial starring Jackson, you at least want their ear to bleed from the profanity.
· For a far better abuse of telephone technology, see the Popularity Dialer. [via BB]
For when your other bullshit excuses just don't seem to be working, Dehydration™
NBC decides to incorporate one of YouTube's most exciting features into its traditional broadcasts. We think this one's a winner.
If you didn't get enough of the movie-themed cereals yesterday, here you go.

There is no rule book on how best to promote a movie like World Trade Center, Oliver Stone's tale of 9/11 redemption that Paramount executives are, you know, quietly hoping brings in shitloads of money. So when it came to the premiere, the studio went the safe and solemn route, opting to dispense with any post-screening festivities:

• Guyz Nite [Guyznite.com]

Former, homophonic Tom Cruise publicity partner Penelope Cruz is the latest to join the growing list of former business associates, Celebrity Centre detox-sauna buddies, and other trusted members of the actor's inner circle of super friends willing to bear witness to the corporeality of suspiciously unseen, possibly mythical infant Suri. While cornered on the red carpet in London, Cruz extolled the Miracle Baby's beauty:

· Music round-up: Xavier Rudd with the Wood Brothers at the Troubadour; Bloc Party with Broken Social Scene and Mew at the Greek; Yellowcard at the Wiltern.
· The MOCA hosts a free public reception for the work of artist Lecia Dole-Recio, which will include a DJ set by Jean-Christophe Chamboredon. Miss this event involving two different hyphenated creative people at your own peril. [via Cheapskatin' LA]
· It's X-Games time again, X-kiddies, when people we've never heard of hop onto bicycles, skateboards, and Sit-N-Spins and launch themselves off ramps while gape-mouthed spectators listen to Angels & Airwaves. Yeah, we don't get it either, but it's going on tonight at the Home Depot and Staples Centers.