· Not only is Sanjaya Malakar bent on destroying American Idol, he's now corrupting Maxim Online's Hot Chick in a Skimpy Outfit of the Day feature. He must be stopped. Vote tonight and end this madness. [via LAist]
· Everything seems great in Jennifer Garner's family life—except, of course, for the small problem of her husband's crack problem: "'You know how as a kid you picture yourself with a tall, handsome husband, and you imagine him cuddling your baby?" she asks. 'Ben is like that, like, on crack.'"
· Fucking-averse HBO series Entourage curiously chooses Ron Jeremy's fuckpad for a location shoot.
· "The floor of the home was covered with a layer of animal feces between 2 and 3 inches deep, authorities said."
· These people are unafraid to ask some uncomfortable questions about the Death Star attack. Charlie Sheen endorsement TK. [via CC Insider]

In a disturbing career development that will require Grey's Anatomy set menace Isaiah Washington to tap into deep pockets of rage not already neutralized by a stint in gayhab, the actor has been cast in an independent film as a priest haunted by childhood sexual abuse. It's a role he won, ironically, when the filmmaker heard he was having trouble finding parts since the T.R. Knight controversy:

Paris Hilton may have ridden her personal philosophy of acting as stupidly as humanly possible in front of the maximum number of available cameras to unprecedented celebutard heights, but her recent probation violation for a DUI charge has posed her team with the kind of serious threat to their client's welfare that can not be easily brushed aside by right-hand flack Elliot Mintz's typical Jedi mind tricks:

· Music round-up: The Broken West at Spaceland; Anders and Woods at the Echo (for free, just how you like it); Kind Hearts and Coronets at Amoeba (also free).
· At the UCB Theatre, Brian Posehn, Andy Kindler, Mike Birbiglia, and others take turns brandishing the Comedy Death-Ray and melting some faces with its fatal laughter-beams.
· The fifth annual Indian Film Festival of Los Angeles kicks off tonight at the ArcLight, where no effigies of Richard Gere will be burned. Probably.

In an interview with MTV News, writer/director Frank Darabont, fresh off shooting upcoming horror flick The Mist, briefly discusses the indignities of even an A-list screenwriting life, revealing how helming a second-tier Stephen King adaptation is preferable to the powerlessness of being subject to the whims of megalomaniacal producers with total script approval:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in with gusto and verve! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the morning you spotted Pamela Anderson doing the convertible cruise of shame into Burbank.

· ABC acquires the rights to a "special" described as a "real-life version of The Queen" drawn from "hundreds of hours of footage" of the monarch and royal family, or as such a project was once called, a "documentary." [Variety]
· King of Queens' Leah Remini will star in the "groundbreaking" web series In the Motherhood, the story of three mom girlfriends who struggle to find novel ways to incorporate the fine personal grooming and telecommunications products of joint sponsors Suave and Sprint into their hilarious adventures in advertainment. [THR]
· Var rounds up how the various networks reacted to yesterday's Virginia Tech massacre, including the fact that an unexpectedly sensitive Fox has yanked a new Bones episode that dealt with "human remains being uncovered on a college campus." [Variety]
· Hollywood Out of Ideas, Irene Cara Edition: MGM will sink $25 million into a remake of Fame, hoping that a generation being raised to believe that success is achieved through serial vagina-flashing and assiduous nightclub attendance can relate to an old-fashioned story about people trying to achieve recognition through actual talent and hard work. [THR]
· Dancing with the Stars: One-Legged Tango Edition and The Bachelor: Another Boring, Horny Guy Who's Never Going To Marry Any Of These Fame-Hungry Skanks lead ABC to a Monday night Nielsen win. [Variety]

Comedy Central disappointment Dave Chappelle continues to confound his fans with a nearly impossible to anticipate performance schedule: The disappearing comic will be a no-show at scheduled engagements, but then he's been known to pop up without warning from time to time at a local comedy club, as he did Sunday night at the Laugh Factory. What set this appearance apart from the others, however, was its record-breaking, six-hour marathon length:

• Conan - Studio 6A [YouTube via BWE/TV Tattle]

Perhaps realizing that instructing her handlers to "just drop me in the armpit of Africa. Somewhere no one's ever heard of. I'm about to make an anonymous, destitute country famous!" for a demi-orphan shopping adventure may have come across like the self-serving act of an aging pop icon, Madonna returned to Malawi with little David Banda and lesser biological offspring Lourdes in tow, to follow the progress on the construction of her exciting charitable projects like the Little Red Kabbalic Reprogramming Schoolhouse. Also on the itinerary was a reunion with David's concerned father, which quickly devolved into mayhem when the army of international reporters who had descended upon the scene were fended off by a defensive ring of rock-launching teenage orphans:

Since its debut late last week, Will Ferrell and Adam McKay's The Landlord has ridden the surefire blockbuster formula of mixing the world's biggest comedy star with a potty-mouthed, alcoholic baby to nearly 2.5 million views, an achievement of viral video dissemination not seen since Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake cut holes in a pair of boxes and then inserted their engorged genitals into said boxes. This explosive success has sent the media scrambling to figure out who or what is behind Funny Or Die, the video-sharing site that launched with the Ferrell clip. THR tracked down the shadowy puppetmaster behind the new web venture for comment:

Late yesterday afternoon, we briefly noted the flap over international gigolo Richard Gere's osculatory battery of Indian actress Shilpa Shetty at a New Dehli AIDS rally, which prompted outraged protestors to set ablaze effigies of the satyr/activist for his public violation of their cherished star. Since we realize that our previous, blockquoted summary of the story was woefully inadequate in fully communicating the intricacies of this complicated matter, we point you to the fine work of Access Hollywood Cultural Analyst William "Billy" Bush, whose deep knowledge of Indian mores allow him to break down the shocking video of the event frame by frame and explain Gere's transgression with Zapruderesque attention to every taboo-violating detail.

· When a reader goes through the trouble of spending hours tinkering around in MS Paint to create a fan-art masterpiece , we have no choice but to share it with you. Behold, the Incredible Norton. (Click the photo for a larger version.)
· If you watch just one video of Britney Spears amusing herself by babbling semi-coherently about the tabloid media that's ruining her life into a paparazzi agency's video camera, make it this one.
· And also: Is Britney more charitable than a certain A-list golden boy?
· Kiefer Sutherland savagely bites Forest Whitaker in a Walk of Fame sneak attack!

Following Monday's Tokyo world premiere of Spider-Man 3, Spidey-Friends™ Sam Raimi, Tobey Maguire, and Kirsten Dunst should have nothing on their minds but basking in the sweet adulation of the throng of Japanese fans who briefly assembled to cheer on their latest cinematic achievement at the Roppongi Hills Mori Tower before retiring to the temporary, movie-themed love hotels a generous Sony had set up on site for the occasion. (We're told the Venom suite, with its paint-on, edible licorice costumes, was especially popular.) Unfortunately, some pushy Entertainment Weekly questions involving director Raimi's possible inheriting of The Hobbit from Peter Jackson will now regrettably shift the focus from celebrating the current film to fretting about the future of the franchise, which a distressed Dunst modestly believes would meet with Batman & Robin-style rubber-nippled doom should the studio try and go forward on a fourth installment without her pals. Reports EW:

Here in the U.S., Richard Gere may be enjoying good reviews in a well-received movie, but he isn't nearly as loved overseas in India, as the actor currently finds himself at the center of a growing shitstorm after having dipped and kissed a major Bollywood actress on the mouth at a public rally:

Aware that Phil Spector's televised murder trial has the potential to quickly escalate into another media circus ("Phil! Phil! Whose wig are you wearing?!" "It's a Jackie by Jon Reneau!") the presiding judge has warned prospective jurors still in the running for having scored a "Not Completely and Utterly Obsessed With Celebrities" or lower on their screening questionnaires not to expect to use the high profile case to kickstart their stalled entertainment reporter and/or acting careers:

We recommend that you immediately clear the next ten or so minutes of your schedule, for Kubrick-auditioning, extreme-overacting internet sensation Brian Atene has once again creatively spread-eagled himself on the YouTubes, unselfconsciously sharing his exposed Art with us all. We foolishly believed that it would be impossible to top his Planet of the Apes-themed holiday wish for the destruction of all humans, but his latest effort, a nearly nine-minute, improvised monologue evoking exactly what it would have felt like to be on the set of The Empire Strikes Back, represents a new, utterly exhilarating achievement in the craft of crazy.
We'll see you on the other side, after you're changed forever.

· Music round-up: Kimya Dawson of the Moldy Peaches at Knitting Factory; Rooney at the Roxy; Carina Round at the Viper Room.
· The Night Hawks Salon, which Flavorpill calls an "art-gasm" of "bands, performance artists, spoken word, fire performers, circus arts, burlesque dancers, visual artists, noisemakers, and filmmakers" assists you with a much-needed, once-a-month art-jaculation at the Bootleg Theater.
· Literary superhero T.C. Boyle will read at the Mark Taper Forum to benefit the Red Hen Press's Writing In The Schools Program.

Once again, the Defamer Correspondent for Anti-Defamatory Awards Shows managed to infiltrate the turreted pink fortress that is the L.A. edition of the annual GLAAD media awards (who says scouring Craigslist at the last minute for dateless and desperate velvet mafioso is a fruitless endeavor?), and brings us yet another exhaustive report from the awards banquet sometimes referred to as the "the Gay Gay Superbowl." We now deliver you to his capable hands:

While many advertising campaigns allow themselves to fall into the trap of complicating their pricey, well-produced web shorts with frills like plot and dialogue just because they've landed some A-list endorsement talent, Campari's online "Hotel Campari" effort deserves credit for the elegant simplicity with which it delivers its message: "Famous ladies with big tits love our booze."