Actor Ulrich Muehe (or Mühe, according to IMDb), who starred in last year's Oscar-winning The Lives of Others as a sympathetic East German secret police eavesdropper, has died at 54 from stomach cancer. [CNN.com/Reuters]

While yesterday afternoon's Lohan FuckageWatch focused exclusively on the legal ramifications of the regrettable incidents of early Morning morning, today we plunge the business end of our ice-cold Fuckometer into the haunches of her career to discover the degree of professional damage the actress may have suffered following her arrest. Today's NY Times liberates troubled-talent managing legend Bernie Brillstein from the "In Case Of Emergency Need Of Sound-Bite Concerning Self-Destructive Stars, Break Glass" container in which he patiently waits for a new crisis, and is repaid with this money quote about the Lohan situation:

Even if you're not into fish humor, you may be temporarily diverted by these fishy one-sheet takes on familiar movies, including Krill Bill, The Lord of the Lings: The Fellowship of the Ling, and, uh, Ray. [Bounty Fishing Blog]

You know who's kind of psyched about Hollywood studios trying to stockpile product to prepare for a possible strike by the unions? Canadians! [THR]

If there were any lingering doubts as to whether Britney Spears was a pop star significantly past the verge of a nervous breakdown, they were answered at her now infamous OK! magazine cover shoot, in which the celeb glossy—having witnessed their subject perform a number of highly inappropriate acts, including the defiling of designerwear with a combination of fried chicken grease and lapdog droppings—was forced to compromise their "nice" editorial voice by splashing the unflattering photos across their pages. Spears' former pimp/fertilizer Kevin Federline is now reportedly seeking full custody of his children:

Later today, angel-faced actor Matt Damon, his knees still lightly bruised from his humble reception of the gift of Grauman's immortality, will receive a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame, an honor in no way connected to the imminent opening of The Bourne Ultimatum, in theaters August 3rd.

When undisclosed circumstances of a personal nature prevented I Know Who Killed Me star Lindsay Lohan from fulfilling her promotional duties on the Tonight Show yesterday, the program's harried bookers turned to chameleon actor Rob Schneider, whose seamless transformation into the troubled starlet was so convincing that the studio audience seemed to have no idea that anything was amiss. Meanwhile, an embattled, post-arrest Lohan, beset on all sides by those willing to believe every lie spewed by the publicity-hungry Santa Monica Police Department before hearing her version of the story, reached out to the last fully adequite person in this accursed town: Access Hollywood b.f.f. Billy Bush. Her Blackberried words, as always, will move you:

· Typical: Ben's the one running around in the stupid corn costume, but Matt's the one getting all the press.
· Lindsay Lohan's recent streak of trouble calls to mind the heyday of one of Hollywood's most accomplished fuck-ups.
· Just because we feel like Paris Hilton's been a little starved for attention today, here you go.
· Popular Mechanics looks at how close science is to replicating some of Harry Potter's favorite magical toys.
· Here's a list of the six trippiest scenes culled from The Simpsons' long, proud tradition of drug humor. The Guatemalan Insanity Peppers clip is a fine choice for #1.

While perhaps not the "let's just burn down the whole damn city and start over" call to arms represented by the Sunset Tan clip of the mom who spent $1300 to have her grade-school daughter Mystic-bronzed to a color that would help her really pop in her class photo, this Inside Edition piece on L.A.'s youngest paparazzo might at least make you feel like tossing a Molotov cocktail onto the patio of the Ivy. At just 14 years old, the precocious lil' pap is still probably a couple of years away from his first high-speed chase down Robertson Blvd., leaving hope that he'll find a new hobby before he has a chance to induce a crash with a peer like Emma Roberts or Dakota Fanning.

In 1997, preeminent American auteur Woody Allen gave the world a collective case of the nauseous willies by marrying Soon-Yi Previn, Mia Farrow's adopted daughter, 35 years his junior. Even a decade later, his decision continues to be the source of much heated debate—particularly among a pair of Wisconsin inmates, who came to fisticuffs in a mealtime exchange about the Scoop director's controversial personal life:

"Jack Nicholson has been vacationing in St. Tropez and while there he has been wearing Vilebrequin swimtrunks. Vilebrequin was founded in St. Tropez so it is only fitting Mr. Nicholson wear the swimsuits made famous in the famous beach resort of the international jet set and Hollywood celebs. The whimsical balloon patterned swimtrunks from Vilebrequin's summer collection were actually purchased in Vilebrequin's Beverly Hills boutique and retail for $170.00."

· Music round-up: Tegan and Sara at Amoeba; The Cribs at the Troubadour; The Faraway Places at Spaceland..
· Now's your chance to finally gain an audience with Billy Bob Thornton, as the former husband of Angelina Jolie, actor, and acclaimed recording artist will be signing his new CD at the Virgin Megastore in Hollywood.
· Former LAT staffer Joy Horowitz and LA Weekly editor Judith Lewis discuss Horowitz's "unsettling and timely investigation into the ties between Beverly Hills, its oil wells, and a local cancer cluster" at tonight's ALOUD event at the Central Library.

While we're all undoubtedly exhausted from the wall-to-wall coverage of Lindsay Lohan's combination DUI/coke-in-pants arrest, we would be remiss if we did not offer some discussion of the possible legal consequences of the troubled™ starlet's Denali-racing, second-assistant-stalking transgressions. Let the Lohan FuckageWatch begin with this excerpt from an ABC News examination of celebrity jurisprudence in a post-Hilton Los Angeles:

Internet nerds think they've solved the mystery of J.J. Abrams' Cloverfield project, rumored to be titled Monstrous, about three creatures from Jewish mythology who arrive to destroy the Earth, until [spoiler alert] the military stops them with a giant, red Kabbalah string. [themovieblog.com]

If the phrase "Charlie Sheen money" calls to mind his reported $350,000 per episode Two and a Half Men salary as readily as it might the escort-related expenditures of his infamously priapic, cheerleader-devouring bachelorhood, chances are you have already had ample opportunity to be disgusted by the excessive remuneration of your favorite TV personalities. But for those of you prepared to be appalled anew, a press release has compiled a list of boob-tube salaries that will be included in a more comprehensive accounting in the upcoming issue of TV Guide. Such as:

Your winning bid earns you not only control of SendLindsayToJail.com, but SendLindsay2Jail.com as well, two URLS sure to be in high demand in the aftermath of her DUI bust. Also, props to this entrepreneur's comparison of Lohan's now-infamous SCRAM bracelet to the futuristic headgear so memorably rocked by the The Empire Strikes Back's Lobot, an electronic monitor that kept the Cloud City servant out of Lando Calrissian's cherished supply of Colt 45. [eBay]

Do you have a camera, editing skills, balls (we speak figuratively, of course, as we're an ovary-positive shop), and a total disregard for either your professional reputation of your personal safety? If you answered affirmatively to most of the items in that list, you may have a place on the Defamer team. We're looking for a video freelancer to handle an exciting array of future projects that involve brazenly sticking your lens in places where it probably doesn't belong. If you're interested, continue on for a list of some requirements and the way to submit yourself for consideration:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about the time Maya Rudolph's yakking ruined an outdoor screening of her boyfriend's porn-industry masterpiece.

Correcting the record on the widespread misdentification of the catalyst of Lindsay Lohan's boozy chase through Santa Monica as Lohan's "assistant," TMZ can now exclusively clarify that it was Lohan's second assistant whose firing/quitting was at the center of the brouhaha. Hold on, Lohan has TWO assistants? This matter definitely warrants further investigation. Developing! [TMZ]

"Grazer's ex-wife Gigi also showed up at L.A.'s Museum of Natural History for the party, and when photographers called her 'Mrs. Grazer,' she corrected them, saying, 'It's "Miss" now'. 'And I'm really rich,' she added as she stepped into her car." [Open All Night]