Realizing that her new, streamlined body may have thrown a harsh and unwelcome spotlight on some of her regrettable surgical enhancements of the past (it became glaringly obvious after a valet accidentally cut himself on one of her jutting cheek implants), perfection addict Courtney Love took to her MySpace blog, announcing in her trademarked, crackified prose her plans to visit a leading Parisian plastic surgery unbotcher:

Feeling jilted by ABC's apparent higher regard for conventioneering nerds, TV critics at the TCAs coerce network president Steve McPherson into revealing news about the return of a cherished Lost character to the series, a super-top-secret development he'd hoped to break to fans at Comic-Con. Following the link provided will likely spoil the entire upcoming season for you, so click at your own peril. [Reuters]

Actor Peter Greene, instantly recognizable as Pulp Fiction's Marsellus-buggering, gimp-wrangling chopper enthusiast Zed, was arrested in NY for crack possession, a tragic, lesser-Baldwinesque turn of events that represents a low point in any performer's career. [Gatecrasher]

Generally speaking, the blame for most junket disasters can be assigned to the talent, as the punishing demands of nonstop press obligations often leaves performers a little sleepy or disoriented by a handful of jetlag helpers, suboptimal interview conditions that invariably lead to erratic results. But in the above clip, all of the technical difficulties seem to be affecting only the personnel on hand in the news studio, leaving a game Holly Hunter to suffer her way through four of the more uncomfortable minutes you're likely to ever see.

The truth-seekers of Entertainment Tonight, virtually alone in their principled quest to reject the anti-Lohan propaganda force-fed to the media by the Santa Monica Police Department, has started asking the uncomfortable questions about What Really Happened following the fateful high-speed chase of early Monday morning:

Now, the movie's producers are mulling their legal options, claiming NBC used the footage without their permission. We're hopeful both parties might find a workable solution, however, as the impressive work of the Feed The Bears players certainly deserves to be seen by a wider audience, and sits comfortably along such other Late Night niche fetish material as HornyManatee.com's "man-on-manatee" sex.

As if ABC president Steve McPherson's apparent willingness to scrap with NBC's Ben Silverman [Ed.note—Have an intern lay down $200 on Silverman going down in the second round. Dude's got a glass jaw, I know it.] wasn't enough fun for a single day of TCA panels, the network's Cavemen event managed to generate still more excitement, as some of the assembled critics confronted the show's producers about how the pre-troubled, primetime-paradigm-shifting sitcomfomercial race-parable might be construed as insensitive in the way it appears focused on hilariously deconstructing the stereotypes of just a single group. Reports TV Week.com's TCA blog:

Here is a photo of Michael Stipe with his shirt off. Do with this link what you will. [FBNY]

We realize with all the DUI and coke-in-pants excitement of recent days, it's all too easy to lose track of Hollywood's less selfish and better-adjusted luminaries. For example, we failed to investigate what the world's most famous orphan-collecting, bee-stung-lipped beauty, her aging pretty-boy lover, and their multi-ethnic brood did over their summer vacation. Thanks to the indiscretion of a French amusement center owner, however, the details of their afternoon bowling and air hockey adventures remain a mystery no longer:

· Music round-up: Tokyo Police Club at the Troubadour; The Rapture at the Mayan Theatre; Emma Burgess at Boardner's.
· Comedy's Patton Oswalt (also, Ratatouille's Patton Oswalt, but we assume he's not going to do any animated rat work tonight) performs to promote his new album, Werewolves and Lollipops, at Amoeba.
· The Mods & Rockers Film Festival is showing Cleveland's Screaming and Screaming Masterpiece at the Egyptian, with a discussion in between films with Cleveland's Screaming director Brad Warner.

Since there's nothing like a burgeoning feud between two of the most powerful men in television to enliven a seemingly endless string of TCA-generated reports about the coming Fall season, we're delighted to note that ABC president Steve McPherson has come out swinging about newly appointed NBC co-chairman/chime-bearer/rock-star Ben Silverman, whom McPherson apparently felt was a little less than honest in discussing his high-profile adoption of Grey's Anatomy orphan Isaiah Washington and in the way he pleaded ignorance of the bloody execucide of predecessor Kevin Reilly that cleared the path for Silverman to take control of the Peacock. TVGuide.com relates McPherson's comments about the Isaiah situation:

Natalie Portman is looking to broadcast her life, reports the New York Post. (Valleywag picked up the story in May.) Despite the forgettable pablum that currently defines lifecasting, I say she should go for it: The young actress is naturally the best person in Hollywood — or even the world — for the role.

"I went to last night's Giants game to see Barry Bonds hit a home run or two. A failed mission. Between innings, the scoreboard had a quiz. Who is first baseman Ryan Klesko's favorite actor: A) Tom Hanks, B) Mel Gibson, or C) Jim Carrey? Then on came a video of Mr. Klesko in which he declared for B. The entire episode was sponsored by Hebrew National Kosher Hot Dogs." [Dot Dead Diary]

Disturbed by recent Phil Spector trial testimony by "star" defense witness Punkin Pie Laughlin that his alleged snubbing of Lana Clarkson at a party had somehow driven the actress to suicide, Transformers director Michael Bay took time out from the Tokyo leg of his Giant Fucking Robots Are Coming world tour yesterday to clarify the spurious claims about his fauxteurial power over life and death. Reports the LAT:

It took five soul-deadening episodes, but Bravo's Hey Paula finally offered something by way of quality entertainment on this week's show, when unstable protagonist Paula Abdul appeared to have been relieved of her producing duties on the Bratz movie, the most hotly anticipated release of the summer (among RealDoll fetishists). Despite an amazingly convincing meltdown, in which she openly questioned the existence of God and berated her staff for daring to speak as she tried "to tell a goddamned story," Abdul now claims that the entire sequence was concocted by dastardly reality show editors. Paula wasn't fired—she fired them!

The slideshow-imagineering geniuses of CBS2.com have struck again, allowing you to assign a "hot" or "not" value to the mugshots of your favorite celebrities. We're not going to insult you by disclosing the news peg that inspired this fine time-waster. [CBS2.com]

When not perfecting his pursuit of the anaconda-piledriving and scrotum-stapling arts, The Ringer star Johnny Knoxville enjoys mounting elaborate pranks: Who could forget, for example, the WeHo billboard featuring the image of Jackass Number Two director luring vacationers to a fictional gay cruise line. ("Sailors board me now!" the fake signage beckoned.) In keeping with that proud tradition, when Knoxville learned his best binge-drinking buddy Luke Wilson would be visiting Malibu's corporate celebrity-clusterfuck cabana, the Polaroid Beach House, he made special arrangements for his arrival. From Page Six:

Since we just realized that it's been, like, months (or maybe it just feels like months, so painful is the non-survey-offering void in our lives?) since we've given you the opportunity to fill out some survey questions in exchange for the chance to win a generous prize, here we go again: Take this survey, right now, before your "life" or "job" distracts you with some trivial, survey-delaying matter (doesn't that "survey" word get funny after you read it a half-dozen times?), then e-mail the last question asked to surveys[AT]gawker.com , and someone in a cubicle inside Gawker Media's survey-administration division will choose one random winner to receive a $300 Ikea gift card. But remember: As always, your participation in today's surveymania event is subject to our contest rules. Get to surveyin'!

· Disney becomes the first major studio to kowtow to the anti-smoking lobby's crusade against the innocence-corrupting depiction of smoking in films, banning the super-fun, status-conferring activity of enjoying a delicious cigarette from its family films bearing their flagship brand. They'll also "discourage" their Touchstone and Miramax productions from showing the act unless, of course, shooting an actor languidly puffing away on a sexy-stick somehow enhances the vaguely dangerous appeal of their character . [THR]
· As previously rumored, Jim Carrey signs on to star in the Warner Bros. comedy Yes Man, the story of a guy who "aims to change his life by saying yes to absolutely everything that comes his way" (we've already burned off the easy joke about how he's choosing his roles these days), which he hopes to shoot before disappearing into the parts of nearly every character in A Christmas Carol. [Variety]
· Because we must: Variety dares to ask, "Could Lindsay Lohan's troubles affect career?" [Variety]
· Woo-hoo, indeed: Fox has won back the URL thesimpsonsmovie.com from a cybersquatter who was using the address to drive visitors to a site "that included sexually explicit depictions of several characters from The Simpsons," a decision which now forces fans to find graphic images of Chief-Wiggum-on-Comic-Book-Guy action on their own. [THR]
· Beware, comic fans, for the TV networks and studios have colonized this year's Comic-Con. Telling quote from a Warner Bros. TV marketing exec: "It's not just about fans of comicbooks. There are fans there of all kinds of entertainment. And these are people who communicate what they like through blogs and the Internet." [Variety]