· Marilyn's ne'er-do-well son, meanwhile, father Michael, says that for the good of his little girl lost, "Dina and I now need to put our legal battle aside," presumably to work full-time on undoing the permanent damage they've done not raising their daughter. [ETOnline]
· Lohan attorney Blair Berk released this statement: "Addiction is a terrible and vicious disease. Since Lindsay transitioned to outpatient care, she has been monitored on a SCRAM bracelet and tested daily in order to support her sobriety. Throughout this period, I have received timely and accurate reports from the testing companies. Unfortunately, late yesterday I was informed that Lindsay had relapsed. The bracelet has now been removed. She is safe, out of custody and presently receiving medical care." Rumors have it that care involves entombing the actress in a coffin-sized, "super" SCRAM device from which she'd be released on her 28th birthday. [Star Magazine]
· Happier times: Hours before her arrest, Lindsay is driven to hysterics by the wet-nosed investigations of either an eight-year-old fan, or Polaroid Beach House day-guest Andy Milonakis. [BWE]
· Everything old is new again! Especially when it's a video edited to make it seem as if Lohan is singing along to a popular radio hit about going to rehab. [iklipz.com]

If you've learned anything from the unfortunate incidents of early this morning, it's that your job is probably easier than Lindsay Lohan's assistant's, as you've likely never been involved in a high-speed chase with your boss. Still, this is no time to be lulled into an artificially inflated appreciation for you current employer, so hit the Defamer Job Board to give yourself options for when he finally snaps.

· Critic-proof director/producer Brian Robbins takes on Jailhouse Rock, a film based on the real-life story of an American Idol-like signing competition (the "Inmate Idle Singing Con-Test") that took place in an Arizona jail, for Disney. While it's probably too soon to think about casting, it's hard not to imagine Robbins throwing some orange jumpsuits on his Wild Hogs dream team and letting them loose on renditions of "Summer Lovin'" and "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights." Projected opening weekend gross: $42 million. [Variety]
· Ben Stiller, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Hudson, Paulie Walnuts, Bobby Baccala, Alicia Keys,and Sheryl Crow are among those who've signed up for Elmo's Christmas Countdown, a one-hour Muppets holiday special in which the famous will help the ticklish star count down the days to Jesus's birth. [THR]
· HBO renews Big Love for a third, 12-episode season, which should be completed well in advance of a possible strike. In other HBO news, John from Cincinnati still makes no fucking sense. [Variety]
· Fox wins another uneventful, creatively barren, rerun-heavy summer Monday night behind Hell's Kitchen and Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? [THR]
· ABC greenlights Here Come the Newlyweds, a reality competition series in which six newly married couples fight to the death (or at least to the divorce) over a steadily increasing cash prize. [Variety]

Britney Spears' three-part comeback plan (Phase One: Stage a series of buzz-building, 12-minute concerts. Phase Two: Chew on hair extensions, neglect children. Phase Three: Personally arrange to sell triumphant comeback exclusive to celebrity glossy!) has hit a major snag, as an OK! magazine cover shoot reportedly devolved into a tragic display of anatomical self-discovery, public urination, and couture-sullying pooper-scooping. Laineygossip.com reports:

By the time you read these words, Lindsay Lohan will already be back in rehab, but allow us to rewind a bit. At this morning's press conference at the Santa Monica Police Department following the DUI arrest, an intriguing wrinkle to the usual "troubled starlet gets drunk and coked up, then initiates a high speed chase" story was revealed: The panicked driver of the SUV being pursued by the actress was the mother of Lohan's personal assistant, whose resignation earlier in the evening seems to have precipitated the events that you will be reading about all day long. Reports the LAT:

Apparently terrified by the sight of Tom Cruise in a military uniform, a spokesman for the German Protestant Church loses his mind a little and calls Cruise the "Goebbels of Scientology." Predictably, a rep for Cruise calls the comments "irresponsible and wrongheaded" and says they "[belittle] the enormity of the Nazis' crimes." Stay tuned for more amusing face-offs between various Scientology-suspicious Teutonic institutions and Cruise's publicity team for the duration of the Valkyrie shoot in Germany! [The Scoop]

In truth, the news of this morning's Lindsay Lohan arrest for suspicion of driving under the influence and possession of cocaine-laden pants should be a somber occasion, one where we're forced to reflect upon how fame can corrupt even the seemingly most stable of celebrities.

Stop us if you've heard this one before: Lindsay Lohan, recent Promises Malibu graduate and voluntary wearer of apparently nonfunctioning transdermal alcohol-monitoring devices, has been arrested—and subsequently released on $25,000 bail—for DUI and coke possession (instead of a "usable amount of cocaine," this time we have the nearly as catchy "cocaine found in pants") in Santa Monica early this morning, after a report that her SUV was chasing another vehicle.

Having survived the gauntlet of last week's Television Critics Association events where he introduced his network's lineup of exciting career-reclamation projects and rejuvenated franchises from which a few more starfucking dollars might be squeezed, newly appointed NBC ambassador to Fun Nation Ben Silverman was ready for a little break before getting back to the hard work of teaching the Peacock how to get its party on. Slate's Kim Masters writes that Silverman hopped a jet to Europe immediately after his TCA responsibilities were finished to enjoy a little Ben-time with some pals:

Forbes.com's Slideshows of the Rich and Famous series continues with their gallery of "The Most Expensive Celebrity Photos," featuring some of the largest sums ever lavished by gossip weeklies upon celebrities in exchange for the photo-exclusives to the milestone moments of their lives (first natural child, third adopted child, first European fairy tale wedding, last photo of deceased son, etc.). Pictured, Jolie-Pitt all-access chronicler People magazine pays a cool $2 million for touching photos of mother and newly abducted/rechristened family addition Pax Thien, a fee tied Dannielynn paternity sweepstakes winner Larry Birkhead for the first pictures of proud dad holding his darling bundle of cash joy.

Mark Burnett's Pirate Master, the reality TV guru's bold attempt to fuse Survivor with, um, Survivor with people in bad pirate costumes, has been canceled. CBS will burn off its remaining episodes online, for those who simply must know which eyepatched contestant made off with the booty. [USAToday.com]

"He once confused Jessica Simpson with Jessica Lynch. Hayes details how, when the vice president threw out the first pitch before a 2003 game between the Cincinnati Reds and Chicago Cubs, Cheney was first informed that 'Nick Lachey — a native of Cincinnati — would sing the national anthem before the game and would be accompanied by his girlfriend, Jessica Simpson. Cheney thought Simpson's name sounded familiar. He asked his staff: "Is that the soldier who was captured in Iraq?"' (That would be Jessica Lynch)." [Examiner.com]

An update to the developments of late last week involving heartthrob actor Esai Morales. As readers may recall, Morales's ex-girlfriend made several ugly accusations in a civil lawsuit, including allegations of rape and of having knowingly infected her with herpes. Today, Morales has struck back, using the preferred method of celebrities wanting to reach out to fans against the counsel of their lawyers: by posting an open letter on his MySpace page. (Warning: Clicking the link will subject you to Morales-sung power ballad "Reason To Live.")

· Music round-up: Snow Patrol and Hot Hot Heat at the Greek; Slint at the Henry Fonda; Rush at the Hollywood Bowl (the Neil Peart drum solo begins at 10:30 and ends sometime tomorrow morning); Division Day at the Viper Room.
· Stephen Farber's Reel Talk screening series features the Robert Downey Jr./ Hope Davis drama Charlie Bartlett at the Landmark theater, with director Jon Poll and star Anton Yelchin in attendance for a discussion.
· The Lucid by Proxy theater group presents Multiverse at the Paul E. Richards Theatre, "an intimate comedy about love and friendship in a world where people are seperated by fear, and brought together by computers." via calendarlive]

Having determined that Hi Lo matches would in no way be enhanced by a clinically depressed hostess who'd interrupt the popular pricing game to vengefully accuse announcer Rich Fields of having betrayed her, producers of The Price is Right opted not to go with Rosie O'Donnell as Bob Barker's successor. Instead, TV Week reports, CBS has made an official offer to former sitcom star and improv referee Drew Carey:

Given that being locked in a room with 200 desperate, aspiring writers willing to pay $400 a head to have a representative of Legitimate Hollywood politely nod through their pitches for "Transformers meets Harry Potter, but where the transforming wizards are all animated woodland creatures" sounds like a genital-punishing exercise outside of the pain threshold of even the most masochistic, CBT-loving of producers and agents, one might wonder if participating in events like the recent Fade In Hollywood Pitch Festival is worth the unlikely reward of hearing a new voice among the crazy-idea-spewing din. As it turns out, there's at least one attractive benefit for the reps grudgingly agreeing to pitchfest duty, as the NY Times reports:

"Want this season's hottest hair as seen on "Weeds" Emmy nominated actresses Mary Louise Parker and Elizabeth Perkins? Check out the products "Weeds" hair stylist Deborah Ann Piper uses to get Nancy and Celias' locks we long for. Please share the below products (with links directly to the product on StarStyle.com) and the attached photos with your online audience. Let me know if you have any questions, or need additional info." [StarStyle.com]

We rely on our cousins at Fleshbot, the blog in the brown paper bag, for all the latest in the adult entertainment industry, but rarely have we been so titillated by a Hollywood-inspired hardcore release than we are with Not The Bradys XXX, an Aristocrats-take on everyone's favorite Valley-dwelling step-family.

While backstage personnel at the L.A. Sports Arena's Daft Punk show on Saturday night were initially confused about the purpose of a mysterious contract rider item calling for "six (6) plump babies of no more than one month of age," once an agency liaison showed up and hung this sign over the basket of squirming, mewling infants the promoters had harvested from a local hospital's nursery, everything started to make a little more sense.