In the grand tradition of Next, Dismissed, Taildaters, and a bunch of other crappy MTV dating shows we'd never be caught dead watching (OK, fine, we may have gotten sucked into a couple episodes of Room Raiders), the cable network has announced today yet another thrilling foray into the genre: On A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila, contestants will be vying for the affections of MySpace's #1 agave-based celebrity:

Paris Hilton is suing Hallmark for the unauthorized use of her image on a greeting card so painfully unfunny that we're almost inclined to take her side on this one. Almost. [Reuters]

Friday
· Music round-up: Kings of Leon and Black Rebel Motorcycle Club at the Greek; Common at the Wiltern; Daryl Hall and John Oates at the Hollywood Bowl.
· Cabin Boy and Get a Life legend (and we say that completely without irony) Chris Elliott will be shooting a new pilot, Chrissy: Plain & Simple, tonight at the El Capitan complex across the street from the Kodak Theatre. Details here for studio audience hopefuls.
· Enjoy large bottles of beer, current events trivia, and the quiz-show stylings of Dave Holmes at the Friday 40 at IO West.

Vanessa Hudgens, the once-wholesome High School Musical star whose naked body has now been viewed by untold millions of (warning: link NSFW) depraved perverts on the internet, has just released a statement apologizing for posing for the racy photographs that have Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen head spinning in its freezer. From ABC News:

Foxy Brown gets a year in jail. This news likely affects your life in no way whatsoever. [TMZ]

"IMPORTANT NEWS! SHOULD BE COVERED! We here at The Daily Reel are noticing a serious Blackberry outage in terms of receiving email. Is this industry-wide or just central to the Sunset Strip? And WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?" Anyone? We don't have Blackberries because we're not allowed to ever leave our desks, but has life in Hollywood suddenly come to a standstill because of a tragic mobile e-mail outage? Let us know if you see any agents out for a late lunch lighting themselves on fire out of anguish because their inboxes haven't seen any action for a couple of hours.

[*current Copsalyzer reading: simultaneous yellow and red lights]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw Drew Barrymore mackin on the Mac guy.

Rosie O'Donnell's next project, a memoir about the trials and tribulations of a reluctant TV personality called Celebrity Detox, has inadvertently become the source of much hand-wringing and stress for the Elisabeth Hasselbeck-targeting headshot vandal. O'Donnell has thus returned to the one true friend she can rely on to never tire of her constant, eardrum-rupturing complaining—her blog—and vented her frustrations upon its virtual pages:

Let's take a moment to sing the praises of this week's sponsors, who manage to maintain a high level of sexiness without being all, "I never work out, like, ever, and look how tight my hot little body stays!" about it. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and have us daydream about your yoga-firmed posterior, see this page.

· Will Smith re-teams with his Pursuit of Happyness creatives for Seven Pounds, the story of a guy who falls in love while trying to kill himself [Ed.note—Isn't it a little tacky to be announcing a suicide movie so soon after the Owen incident? Just sayin'.], hoping that audiences will shed just as many tears watching Smith nobly overcome personal adversity as they did when he was hugging his kid while sleeping in that filthy Happyness bathroom. [Variety]
· Audiences will get a chance to see David Duchovny try to fuck away the pain of being a writer for another twelve episodes, as Showtime gives Californication a second season pick-up. [THR]
· Apple keeps trying to drive away the Hollywood content partners that just want to love them, proposing to cut the price of TV episodes to 99 cents. [Variety]
· Rupert Murdoch gets a pay raise to $24.3 million per year, but still officially makes less than News Corp second banana Peter Chernin. [THR]
· And in other continuing-cinematic-love-affair news, Joaquin Phoenix and director James Gray can't get enough of each other, teaming up for the third time for the drama Two Lovers. [Variety]

Asked by People for the secret to her much coveted physique, Good Luck Chuck star Jessica Alba admitted her busy schedule has prevented her from doing any actual exercise for months. Instead, the Teen Choice Awards "favorite female hottie" winner attributes her figure to yoga, and "drinking a lot of water." Pear-shapped and muffin-topped women everywhere reacted to the news in one of two ways: Either by sending telepathic fat-waves towards the hateful Alba, or by taking her advice to heart, and diving into a clumsy approximation of a "downward dog" they once saw Julia Roberts demonstrate on Oprah, before toasting their new bodies with a refreshing bottle of high fructose corn syrup fortified Pepsi WaterMax.

We're now officially excited about whatever Britney has planned for the show, and fully expect that she'll try to live up to her MTV legacy by embracing the turbulence of her recent, tabloid-attracting life. When she takes the stage, strips off her breakaway bikini top, and takes a seat in the giant jacuzzi in which a trio of background dancers will alternate turns thrusting their greedy tongues into Spears' mouth and shaving her head with a diamond-encrusted hair clipper—all while a hail of dirty baby dolls rains down from the rafters onto a worshipping throng completely in her thrall—no one will be whooping their approval more loudly than we will.

It doesn't have any mention of "grizzly images," but this list of MPAA ratings justifications does have an "intense depiction of very bad weather", a Jeffersonian "bawdy puppet show," and "strong bloody ninja violence." [Matineer]

Not that you've never seen Christina Ricci's nipples before, but here's your latest chance to reacquaint yourself with one of her runaway areolas. [Egotastic]

The set of much-buzzed-about new NBC Fall series Bionic Woman—eagerly anticipated by late-70s television nostalgists, the indestructible-heroine-loving Heroes set, and fanboys drooling over their weekly primetime appointment with star Michelle Ryan's six million dollar rack alike—may be officially troubled™—Var reports that "creative differences" (not the Mandy Patinkin kind, we'll assume) have forced the network to part ways with showrunner Glen Morgan, and discusses rumors that the series might be taking a "getting its shit together" hiatus:

With Transformers having shattered all kinds of non-sequel box office records, Voltron in the development pipeline, and Gobots: The Movie awaiting the hedge fund capital infusion that will allow it to expand into a feature-length production, it's obvious that Hollywood is suffering from a serious case of robofever—and, as the THR notes today, the disease is worsening: Warner Bros. and Spider-Man star/occasionally portly poker enthusiast/burgeoning producer Tobey Maguire are getting into the Giant Fucking Robots business, announcing that they're teaming up to bring Robotech, yet another 1980s cartoon series involving oversized automatons and the human freedom fighters who love them, to your local multiplex:

· Phil Spector showed off his new hairstyle at the closing arguments of his trial today, clearly hoping throwing some mid-'80s Liza the jury's way might earn him some last-minute sympathy votes.
· Michael Lohan has reportedly reunited with his estranged daughter Lindsay at Utah's Cirque Lodge, where he presented her with a brand new cartoon depicting her Denalijacking and subsequent arrest as yet another hilarious misadventure of the Archie gang.
· John Cusack gets real about his legacy.
· Good thing those Philadelphia morning show hosts didn't give away the promotional bullet-proof baby carriage.
· Time's "The 100 Best TV Shows of All-TIME" is surely going to be the source of much debate, beginning with the glaring absence of The Powerpuff Girls.

The Ellen DeGeneres Show's new season debuted this week from New York, where she introduced audiences to her new DJ, KROQ's and Loveline's Stryker— though the two seem to be suffering from a chemistry deficiency. On today's episode, Stryker made an off-color joke that involved the word "bitches," prompting an awkward, angry lecture about the differences between radio and TV standards and practices.

· Music round-up: Frames at the Henry Fonda; Butch Walker at the Hotel Cafe; John Vanderslice at the Troubadour.
· Pie! French dip sandwiches! A lively discussion of the James M. Cain novel, Mildred Pierce! All tonight at Phillippe's.
· "The Great Picture," an exhibit of the Guinness record-holding world's largest photograph (taken by six photographers who turned an airplane hangar into a camera), has its opening reception tonight at the Art Center College of Design in Pasadena. [via CityBeat]