With Law & Order star Fred Thompson's well-publicized announcement of his presidential candidacy still fresh in everyone's minds, the LAT's Cause Cèlebré column takes an opportunity to evaluate the former senator's prospects for raising some of the seemingly limitless industry cash that rains down from the Southern California sky each time Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama set foot within the Los Angeles city limits. Unsurprisingly, the Times finds that the Republican's Hollywood fundraising time would be better spent robbing some Famimas at gunpoint rather than waiting around for a gay billionaire to throw him a Malibu beach party:

Things appear to have stabilized since last week's shocking turn of events that saw Owen Wilson attempt drastic, life-ending measures upon himself: He was released from the hospital, and The Darjeeling Limited director Wes Anderson told the AP that the actor was "doing very well, he has been making [friends] laugh." And lest fans despair that there may be no hope for a full recovery for their cherished Butterscotch Stallion, perhaps they'll find some reassurance in MentalFloss.com's gargantuan list of famous people who unsuccessfully attempted suicide, only to return from the brink stronger, happier, and fully equipped to star in everything from major motion pictures to seasons of The Surreal Life:

Star reporter Ilyssa Panitz is in search of experts to look at a couple of photos—photos of someone admitted to a hospital after "reportedly attempting to slit his wrists in a suicide try. The two photos, taken just eight days afterwards, appear to show no scars, scabs or bandages whatsoever."

[Note: video possibly NSFW] The release of the red-band trailer for Beowulf finally provides a promising demonstration of the powerful motion-capture technology director Robert Zemeckis has been trying to perfect over the last handful of years. While earlier versions of his moviemaking technique were able to produce nothing more impressive than disturbingly dead-eyed, animated children in The Polar Express and somewhat less disturbingly dead-eyed, animated children in Monster House, the director's mainframes can now generate computer-enhanced images of a naked, golden Angelina Jolie so compellingly lifelike that audiences will momentarily forget about all the fantasy-destroying, do-gooding baggage she's accumulated since acquiring her debilitating orphan-collecting addiction.

Not for nothing, but you never hear stories about Tom Colicchio scorching his scrotum while cooking. [AHN]

In their review of 3:10 To Yuma, AfterElton.com detects "yet another coded gay villain" amid its cast of outlaws, adding Charlie Prince to the pantheon of memorable but politically incorrect screen baddies like The Silence of the Lambs's Buffalo Bill, 300's Xerxes, and Collateral's Vincent the Hitman. As portrayed by Ben Foster, an actor best known for having played Claire's creepy bisexual art school boyfriend on Six Feet Under and X-Men: The Last Stand's winged and six-packed (read: gay) Angel, it becomes exceedingly clear from Charlie's first appearance just which gang he runs with:

· The trades mourn the recent silencing of their favorite of the Three Tenors. [Variety, THR] [THR]
· Scott Rudin beats out Warner Bros, Universal, Sony, and New Line for the movie rights to the historical novel I, Claudius, with Leo DiCaprio and his The Departed screenwriter William Monahan expected to jump ship from their failed WB bid to join the winning Rudin team. [Variety]
· The Agent Dance, East Coast Edition: NY-based CAA bigshot Bart Walker leaves the evil agenting monolith to form a talent management division at indie film powerhouse Cinetic. We expect reports of the mysterious torching of Walker's apartment to emerge shortly. [THR]
· Apple and Hollywood still can't decide whether to fuck or fight. [Variety]
· Studio execs head into the Toronto Film Festival with "fat wallets and a healthy appetite for product," ready to snap up any movie they think might make a buck during a possible strike by the guilds. [Variety]

OMG! OMG! Britney Spears is going to open the VMAs! And MTV has reportedly hired Criss Angel to create the mind-freaking illusion that she's on stage dancing and lip-syncing to new single "Gimme More," instead of sitting in her dressing room, drinking vodka tonics and trying to feed her babies Twinkies dipped in Gerber strained peas. [Extra]

According to a review in THR, Gone Baby Gone is "going to be remembered as one of the best crime movies of this decade." Yup, the Gone Baby Gone directed by Ben Affleck. [THR/Reuters]

Pretty much everything you need to know to get a sense of how bad things were for the networks during last week's Nielsen apocalypse is contained in CNN.com's always-handy Story Highlights box. Except for this fun fact: that ratings-leading Two and a Half Men episode was a rerun. This, of course, is great news for CBS, which now knows that when it can't be bothered to make even a token attempt at providing its viewers with fresh entertainment, it can still count on ten million people to show up and mumble along with months-old Charlie Sheen punchlines instead of flipping over to see if anyone had their hearts explode on a first-run episode of Fat March.

Having steadily risen the variety show emceeing ranks since he was plucked from relative obscurity by the immaculately manicured hand of Merv Griffin himself, it was really only a matter of time before American Idol host and E! red carpet munchkin Ryan Seacrest would be asked to preside over a major awards telecast. But until that day comes, he's more than happy to take on the Emmys. Talking to THR about the high-profile gig, Seacrest spoke of having to stretch past his copy-regurgitating comfort zone into the realm of jazz-hand-waving song and dance man:

Yesterday, the internets were ablaze with rumors (well, really, one rumor) that allegedly gender-shuffling Matrix co-director Larry Wachowski had finally completed a long-whispered-about sex change, opting to spend the rest of his life as a woman named Lana who would haunt the dreams of every embattled publicist unlucky enough to be assigned to subsequent Wachowski Family films. Troubled by the swiftly spreading report, Fox 411's Roger Friedman put in some calls, and today is satisfied that Larry is still happily beschlonged:

• The Tonight Show: Fred Thompson running for President [YouTube]

· Dueling premiere parties, arguments over release dates (too close to Labor Day, American Gangster, and Brad Pitt's Jesse James flick?), and bickering over one-sheet images that reportedly made notoriously cuddly star Russell Crowe feel fat: the tension between Lionsgate and its 3:10 to Yuma talent has certainly made for some good times, according to Slate.
· Jeremy Piven admits to not being as stylish as the professionally wardrobed fictional character for which he is best known.
· Joe Mantegna tries to fill the Mandy Patinkin-shaped hole on Criminal Minds.
· Danny DeVito is not opposed to the terrible, terrible idea of a Throw Momma from the Train sequel.

America's Sitcom Sweetheart Jenna Fischer won over all of our hearts playing The Office's lovelorn, plain Jane receptionist: Men fantasized about being with her, while women simply wanted to be her, marching into salons across the country and demanding they be given the mousey perm sensation known as "the Pam." But as is so often the case with objects of public fascination, what seemed like an impossibly glamorous existence outfitted in the finest sensible flat-soled shoes and cardigans masked a hidden pain—both of the lower back (she fell down a flight of stairs at an NBC upfronts party in May and spent most of the summer recovering), and of the heart. A blog post appearing today on her MySpace page has announced the end of her marriage of six years to Slither writer/director James Gunn:

The lingering fallout from the Michael Richards incident threatens to destroy Eddie Griffin's stand-up career. [Yahoo! News]

· Music round-up: Ben Kweller at the Echo; Lucinda Williams at the El Rey; BB King at the Hollywood Bowl; Stevie Wonder at the Greek.
· Flypoet's latest spoken word and poetry event alights at the Savoy. [via Flavorpill]
· The AMC Burbank 16 hosts the opening night gala of the 11th Annual L.A. Shorts Fest, where director James Toback will be Q&A'd within an inch of his life by fans as he accepts the festival's Maverick Film Achievement Award.

We have no idea if the "newly released photo from a rare public appearance earlier this year" posted in an item at Rated-M.com (as excavated by Cinematical) is evidence of anything but reportedly transgendering Wachowski brother Larry's predilection for dangly earrings and sassy bandanas, but the blog claims that his much-rumored journey towards womanhood is now complete, a transformation that has obvious implications for hopeful 2008 summer blockbuster Speed Racer and the way the directing duo's names will be listed on its one-sheet. Says Rated-M:

The American Idols Live Tour, currently winding its way around the country and dropping its spaceship of Earthly karaoke delights tonight upon Worcester, MA, offers fans of Fox's reality behemoth the opportunity to get within screaming distance of the previous season's top 12 contestants. But as Sanjaya stands alone under a pink-gelled spotlight, pitchily singing to half-empty arenas about the "Man in the Mirror," organizers are wondering what happened to the throngs of teenyboppers who dependably lined their wallets in past years. From USA Today:

Back in the good old days of the web—say, circa April of 2007—when one's CAA-backed, Will Ferrell-supported comedy video-sharing site had an amusing clip starring an attention-grabbing A-list talent one wished would go "viral," one simply posted it and let the internets work their magic, confident that endlessly forwarded links would efficiently deliver their work to the eyeballs of bored employees across the globe. Now, however, we live in far more complicated times, when newly retained PR firms dare not leave anything to chance, as evidenced by this e-mail invitation enlisting the help of the "internet press" to turn Bill Murray into Funny or Die's next drunken, swearing baby: