The Z-List celebrity dance competition world was thrown for a loop yesterday when Marie Osmond collapsed on live TV following a performance on Dancing with the Stars: It was a shocking turn of events that elicited gasps from the audience, if not a few snickers of derision from overzealous competitors, at least one of whom was overheard to have said, "Geez, my mother died and yet I still managed to keep it together. Looks like the pressure's finally getting to someone. Team Seymour!" A round-up:
· Marie describes what it feels like to survive a post-Samba, nowhere-near-death experience: "I wasn't quite sure what was going on and then I saw everybody. I saw my kids, I saw TOM [BERGERON] and I think I said, 'Oh, crap!'" [ETOnline]
· Brother Donny helpfully speculates on some of the external factors that might have contributed to Marie's loss-of-consciousness! Health scare! Tragedy!: "Marie is touring, she has 8 children and went through a divorce." If we had 8 sets of crushed eyes staring down at us after falling off the reality TV gravy-train, we might say, "Oh, crap" too. [ETOnline]

Even though the just-released Transformers DVD has broken this year's first-week sales record, director Michael Bay, ever the blowing-shit-up perfectionist, isn't completely satisfied with the product: "I was traveling promoting (Transformers) while they were doing the DVD. You try to guide people as to what to do (in making it), but ultimately if you rush your date, you are not going to get the DVD as good as it could be. ... Studios want to pump this stuff out, and my job is to care about it and try to put the right people on it. They just see it as a show they are selling, and I see it as a movie." Included in the features that will have to wait for the Transformers: Special Fauxteur's Cut DVD: a behind-the-scenes clip in which an uncompromising Bay reduces star Shia LaBeouf to a weeping mess by repeatedly screaming a suggested line-reading through a megaphone, footage in which the phrase "you talentless little baby" figures prominently. [USA Today]

Stopping by The Tonight Show Friday to promote Things We Lost in the Fire, Halle Berry brought with her a couple mementos she probably now wishes had also perished in the blaze: Having recently discovered the funhouse-mirror filters on Apple's Photo Booth program—also employed to terrifying kaleidoscopic effect by Rosie O'Donnell—Berry pulled out several printouts of her morphing handiwork, including a big-nosed alter ego she described as "my Jewish cousin."

Returning to her show after a brief hiatus necessitated by her well-publicized crusade to return an unwanted dog to a family that could shower the adorable animal in the love she never could, embattled pet-adoption facilitator Ellen DeGeneres says she's learned an invaluable lesson from IggyGate: Don't cry on television.

For those uninspired by our previous Halloween costume suggestions (honestly, we didn't really expect you to go around terrifying children in a Teri Hatcher mask), a thread developing on MetaFilter since yesterday could provide you with a more abstract, but no less timely, alternative that will make you the envy of every terrified, sporadically scribe writer at your local Halloween party:

Sensing that there might be more to yesterday's announcement that Ryan Gosling's sudden departure from Peter Jackson's The Lovely Bones adaptation than a friendly disagreement over competing visions for the film, the sleuths of Page Six dig deeper into this new Hollywood mystery, unearthing disturbing allegations of personality clashes and actorly eccentricity. Egads, we say!

Here: An ode to WNBC film critic Jeffrey Lyons set to Belle and Sebastian's "Get Me Away From Here I'm Dying." Also of note: an appreciation of the deceased Popeye's on 13th and 1st set to New Order's "Love Vigilantes." [Fetus Fervor]

Mere minutes ago, millions of east-coasted Dancing with the Stars fans watched as Marie Osmond fainted during judge Len Goodman's appraisal of her samba, a dance apparently so physically draining that it was impossible for Osmond to stay conscious long enough to signal the show's producers to cut away from a coming swoon in time to avoid unnecessarily upsetting America. But don't worry: we're told the Dancing crew returned after the impromptu break to let everyone know she's fine.

Star Jones, too often the lone voice of sanity to be found on basic cable programming dedicated to the celebrity-related legal issues of the day, has a point: We don't know much of anything about the ongoing investigation of the sexual assault accusations made against David Copperfield beyond the stream of gossip being leaked to the media by shadowy "sources within the FBI." So unless an official spokesperson from the Bureau comes forth to announce the case-making evidence discovered when agents pried apart the mysterious crate in the magician's Las Vegas warehouse stamped TOP SECRET BAHAMIAN RAPE TRICK: DO NO OPEN!!!, we should all give Copperfield the benefit of the doubt and stop wasting our lives on the kind of gossipy speculation Jones has abhorred ever since being ejected from The View.

With just eight short days until the release of "Blackout," Britney Spears's attempt at stepping away from all the sock-related distractions and again donning her popstar hat (a Kangol-brand porkpie), the first reviews have appeared, including a dispatch from the NY Daily News in which the critic is struck by the robot behind vocals:

The weeklies continue to be quite generous about keeping everyone up to date on every inch of John Deere-assisted progress Owen Wilson is making on the path back to health, assuring the world that his recovery is proceeding slowly, steadily, and one lawn mower ride at a time. [People]

· Music round-up: The Fiery Furnaces at the Troubadour; The Go! Team at Amoeba Records; Something For Rockets at Spaceland.
· The New Beverly has a sci-fi double-feature of Danny Boyle's Sunshine and its cinematic inspiration, Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey.
· A mere $17 gains you admittance to tonight's Breaking Into Soaps seminar at the Celebrity Centre, where Barbara Niven will put you on the path towards all of your daytime-TV-related dreams.

If you've ever felt that the awkward confrontations in which Larry David invariably finds himself during the average episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm sometimes seem like the product of profound mental illness rather than improvisational comedic invention, the work of a clinical psychology student noted in this week's New Yorker might finally convince you that David's TV character might have deeper problems than merely being an impatient, fussy jerk. When the student showed episodes of Curb to his schizophrenic patients, they quickly recognized Larry's socially dysfunctional behavior:

Hollywood fleshpeddler Heidi Fleiss's long-gestating Stud Farm project—a gender-reversed counterpart to Nevada's Chicken and Bunny Ranches that will offer a wide menu of U.S. Grade-A certified he-steak to a man-famished female clientele—is currently fielding applications from sexually potent candidates eager to be included among its stud stable. From heidistudfarm.com:

With these words, action star/political activist/internet demigod Chuck Norris abandons his own promising presidential candidacy and makes his official endorsement for the Republican nomination, pledging to saddle up and rise a conservative dark horse all the way to the White House: "A short time ago, I wrote in jest about what I would do if I am elected president. Of course, that was written all in good fun. Like most of you, over the summer and into the fall, I've been watching, listening, studying and praying about who could lead this country as our next president. I won't leave you in suspense. Though Giuliani might be savvy enough to lead people, Fred Thompson wise enough to wade through the tides of politics, McCain tough enough to fight terrorism and Romney business-minded enough to grow our economy, I believe the only one who has all of the characteristics to lead America forward into the future is ex-Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee." [World Net Daily via CNN Political Ticker]

We've long been skeptical about our Governor's ability to inspire his fellow Californians during a time in crisis, but following his Malibu address of earlier today, we're utterly confident that he's ready to rise to the challenge placed before him.

· Peter Jackson's feature adaptation of The Lovely Bones suffers a severe cast downgrade as Mark Wahlberg steps in to replace Ryan Gosling, who's departing the project following the always-popular "creative differences." [Variety]
· Talks are underway to bring a reality series starring Scottish psychic Derek "The Baby Mind Reader" Ogilive to America, centering around his possibly telepathic ability to translate the secret language of an infant's mysterious cries, gurgles, and gassy smiles into something understandable by parents. [THR]
· Superman Returns writers Michael Dougherty and Dan Harris bail on the franchise, opting not to come back to write a sequel. Warner Bros. denies rumors that the studio is planning on hiring new writers to start the Superman saga over yet again, avoiding the potential Superboy Problem presented by the introduction of Kal-El's bastard, half-Kryptonian offspring introduced in Returns. [Variety]

Until only recently, the greatest mystery surrounding David Copperfield was how he successfully managed to put Claudia Schiffer under a magician-lusting trance for six years. But with recently surfaced accusations of rape and an FBI raid in which they seized computer equipment and nearly $2 million in cash, legitimate questions have begun to arise over whether there's something far more sinister afoot here than a mere penchant for blousy clothing and a suspected Just For Men addiction. In the wake of the controversy, meanwhile, Copperfield's upcoming Southeast Asian tour has been canceled:

We've just obtainted the new draft of the planned Les Moonves ad to be published in tomorrow's trades: "Hey, writers—You know what? Fuck you. I'll cancel my disappointing Fall season myself, bit by bit. Goodbye, Viva Laughlin! By the time you go on strike, there won't be anything left for you to walk out on. Love, Les. PS—Tell Patric Verrone to check his mailbox. The ear in that bloody wad of Kleenex is Hugh Jackman's. Just wait until he gets four of Jimmy Smits' favorite toes on Wednesday morning when I sacrifice Cane to the cause." [Var]