Earlier today, we were introduced to Alex "Writer-For-Hire" Perez, the affordable, amazingly versatile scab extraordinaire who may very soon find himself with all the strike-violating work he can handle if the WGA's membership takes to whatever's left of the charred streets of Los Angeles around November 1st. Today's LAT runs down some of the projects that could be touched by the pinch-hitting scribe's genius should harried Guild writers scrambling to meet their deadlines fail to turn in drafts the studios can quickly convert into the substandard product they'll slap up on multiplex screens while strikers burn through their bank accounts:

Our prayers go out to Robert Goulet, as the mustachioed crooner lies in critical condition at Cedars-Sinai awaiting a lung transplant. In his honor, we bring you vintage Goulet in his failed sitcom pilot Acting Sheriff, in which he demonstrates a facility with delivering macho-sounding non sequiturs to an appreciative studio audience. [AP]

With a significant portion of Southern California engulfed in apocalyptic hellfires sent by a vengeful God clearly envious of our year-round good weather and easily accessible, delicious produce, the hardy footsoldiers dispatched to the front lines of this unwinnable war display extraordinary courage in the line of duty. We speak, of course, of the paparazzi angling for a shot of Britney Spears's home. The NY Observer reports:

· Why does it take the threat of a strike for people to start cranking out the truly genius ideas? Fox has ordered a script that could generate a Prison Break spin-off set in a women's penitentiary, a project that would be perfect for Michelle Rodriguez once she concludes some previous obligations. [THR]
· ABC's Cavemen inches ever closer to joining Viva Laughlin in the Fall season's "bold TV experiments canceled too soon to see how terrible they could eventually become" club, drawing its lowest key demo ratings to date. Somewhere, Hugh Jackman's wife sheds a tear in sympathy. [Variety]

Over at LAtimes.com, Gay Dumbledore remains just as hot as coverage of the wildfires. [LATimes.com]

TV legend Gary Collins, with whom we vaguely recall spending some quality time during his hosting stint on 80s talk show Hour Magazine (the television makes an excellent babysitter), shows the troubled Hollywood kids of today how an old pro does the DUI thing, getting popped for a drunk-driving joyride that ended in a multi-car collision in Sherman Oaks. [TMZ]

As proven by the For Your Consideration ads taken out in today's Var (click the image for a bigger version you can actually read), whether you're contractually obligated to promote a respected actor's performance in an otherwise forgettable FBI thriller or a moody, serial-killer-related period drama that never quite found traction at the box office, "Nothing Short Of Astonishing!" is this awards season's must-have pullquote.

It turns out the now-infamous Anna Nicole in Creepy Clown Makeup clip comes from a much longer, much more disturbing video, aired on Geraldo at Large. Brought to Rivera's show by the father of a nine-year-old girl present for the entire shoot, the girl describes having seen Howard K. Stern give Smith something from "a white bottle with red stripes."

When one's creatively adventurous casino musical murder mystery bombs so spectacularly that everyone involved is still picking the bloody sequins from the costumes of cabaret dancers killed in the low-rated blast out of their hair several days later, one can either go into hiding, hoping the media will stop calling to find out What Went Wrong, or one can hold one's head high to proclaim (in song, preferably), "Nothing ventured, nothing gained!" We're not sure which route Hugh Jackman eventually plans to take, but his wife has chosen the latter option:

Perhaps realizing that local supermodel hopefuls like the ones who've previously supplemented the WGA's organizing efforts will be far too busy taking jobs on the 25 model-search-related shows the networks will rush into production in the event of a writers' strike to once again work the picket line, the Guild will no longer pursue jurisdiction over reality TV programming when negotiations resume on Thursday, according to a report in Variety. Emboldened by this concession, the studios will attempt to shake the Guild's resolve by unveiling a PowerPoint presentation demonstrating the ready availability of cheap, nonunion labor they can employ during a walkout, centered around the video samples posted to the promotional website of their first post-strike hire, Alex Perez:

As if there's any other story on everybody's minds:
· Never has so fabulous a T-shirt design been made available so quickly after a zeitgeist-hijacking story first breaks. You go, gay wizard!
· We're not saying the signs were completely obvious, but a little effort could have easily unscrambled "Albus Dumbledore" to read "Male bods rule, bud!"
· Let the Other Fictional Gay Characters list-making begin: New York fingers Fozzie Bear and Lando Calrissian (as if), while Radar gets a vibe from fudge-tunnel-voyaging Willy Wonka.
· He's here. He's queer. Yet some of us are having a hell of a time getting used to it.
· And finally, the requisite Gay Dumbledore Halloween costume. Oh wait—that's Pimp James Lipton. Never mind.

Defamer PartyWatcher Ann and photographer Maggie Serrano checked into Hollywood Hellhouse this weekend, a tour of the depraved we first took three years ago and have now returned to, in the hopes that its horrific depictions of drug use, homosexual intercourse, and botched abortions might eventually begin to nudge us towards the path of the righteous. (Sadly, we appear to just keep doing what it is we're doing, albeit getting progressively drunker.) In its latest incarnation, ensconced in an abandoned Acapulco restaurant on La Cienega that only recently hosted the far cheerier Father-Daughter Purity Ball, Bill Maher good-naturedly donned some devil horns for an impromptu photo-op in the post-Hellhouse Youth Center. The entire photo gallery is here.

With HBO subscribers understandably less engrossed in the mysteries with which the network now presents them on Sunday nights—such as whether or not Tell Me You Love Me's Adam Scott employs an ejaculating stunt-cock or how much longer we have to wait before producers serve up that hotly anticipated sexagenarian-penetration scene—it's inevitable that viewers don't seem quite ready to end their speculation about what actually happened in The Sopranos final, endlessly discussed moment. Series creator David Chase, who once emerged from post-finale hiding to reassure us that he wasn't fucking with America's collective head with his creative choices, now returns (in the form of an interview in a new Sopranos book) to offer people a greater degree of closure. Reports the AP:

· Music round-up: Jesus and Mary Chain with BRMC and Evan Dando at the Wiltern; Rihanna at the House of Blues; Interpol at the Forum; Tokyo Police Club at the El Rey.
· Greg Fitzsimmons, who once toiled on Ellen DeGeneres' talk show—very timely!— is headlining a free night of comedy at Jennifer's Coffee Connection in Studio City.
· The Steve Allen Theater hosts Cartoon Dump, an unholy union of the worst animated cartoons in history and Mystery Science Theatre 3000 for "adults who are emotionally and developmentally damaged kids at heart."

From time to time, Defamer videographer Molly McAleer seeks out the temporary camaraderie of the friendly folks patrolling the red carpet of various Hollywood events, looking to make a connection with someone other than the abusive, controlling TiVo mascot with whom she's recently formed an unhealthy relationship. On Sunday night, Molly turned up at the ArcLight premiere of Postal, the latest addition to director Uwe Boll's video-game-derived cinematic canon, where she and the legendarily confrontational Boll seemed to hit it off.

You know what's like, totally boring? All this snoresville wildfire talk on the TV! Burning this, property loss that...if you've seen one smoldering Malibu mansion, you've seen them all. And where have momma's damn stories gone? Mercifully, the crew at KABC 7 broke in a little while ago to let us know where we can turn to get the soap fix that will help housebound viewers like us through this difficult time. While we're waiting for Pat Robertson's prayers to finally extinguish the flames God has sent down from above, we need our General Hospital time more than ever.

Our friends at Valleywag have made a potentially troubling discovery: Wes Anderson's The Darjeeling Limited "prequel" Hotel Chevalier, in which Natalie Portman famously bares the naked form she's so selfishly withheld even when toiling in arty, nonexplotatitve stripper roles, seems to have disappeared from iTunes. We know you've probably already long finished with it, but its disappeareance still must be vaguely saddening. [Valleywag]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw the cast of The Kite Runner enjoying a leisurely Italian meal, far from the threat of rape-incited religious rioting.

Just in case you need a little extra help soiling up the pants on your writers' strike costume, here's the best of the public communication resulting from yesterday's "bargaining" session. From the WGA: "We have no intention of discussing the producers' rollback proposals. Not now, not ever. The producers asked to take Tuesday off to caucus." And says the Alliance: "Don't confuse process with progress. While we actually met today for the first time in 5 days, the WGA leadership again failed to address the producer's proposals. The WGA leadership dismissed the withdrawal of the producer's recoupment proposal as insignificant despite their claim that this was a major impediment to reaching an agreement. The WGA leadership has yet to make any movement on its own or the producer's proposals." Happy Tuesday! [WGA.org, AMPTP.org]

· Attempting to keep vital a love affair they began back on the set of Gangs of New York, director Martin Scorcese and still-boyish muse Leonardo DiCaprio will reteam once again on Shutter Island, an adaptation of a Dennis Lehane novel about a U.S. Marshal investigating the disappearance of a dangerous crazy lady in the 1950s. [Variety]
· ABC picks up the back nine episodes for this season of Pushing Daisies, bringing their order to a full 22 hours of beautifully shot, expensively produced whimsy. You know, unless the writers fulfill the networks' secret wish to wipe out the rest of the TV season. [THR]
· ABC's Samantha Who? posts another "solid" Nielsen performance on Monday night, while NBC's Heroes set a new series low. Also: Dancing with the Stars wins the night behind Marie Osmond's dramatic fainting spell, leading producers to plan a stunt in which Jennie Garth will suffer an orchestrated, on-camera ankle fracture on next week's show. [Variety]